Groooooooaaaaaaaaann…
Guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “bet ya $10 I can bite my eyebrow.” Well nobody can bite their eyebrow so the bartender says “you’re on.” Guy pulls out his false teeth & uses them to bite his eyebrow. “Bet ya double or nothin’ I can lick my eyeball.” Nobody can lick their eyeball. “You’re on.” Guy takes out his glass eye & licks it. Then he points across the bar and says “I bet you $100 if you slide that empty mug across the bar, I can stand on top of this stool and pee in it and fill it all the way up, without spilling a drop.” That’s obviously impossible, so the bartender says “you’re on.” So the guy gets up on the stool and makes a complete mess. With a smile on his face, the bartender says “looks like you owe me for the bet.” Just then another guy storms in and slams down a bunch of money. “What was his problem?” asks the bartender. “Oh, I just bet him $1000 I could piss all over your bar and you’d be happy about it.”
One of my favorites from elementary school:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stomp out flaming ducks!
Thanks for this; I’ve had the song forever but I never saw this.
So this guy’s been out at the bar far too long. He’s really tied one on, and he knows his wife is going to be ticked at him. He does his best to come in quietly, but he trips on an end table and breaks a lamp before finally stumbling into his bedroom and sprawling on the bed.
In the morning, he wakes up, sure that his wife has killed or soon will kill him. Instead, he finds on the nightstand a glass of cold water, two aspirin and a note that reads “Hey sweetie, had to run off for some groceries. I made your favorite for breakfast - waffles. Love you! XOXOXO!”
Baffled, he takes his aspirin and wanders into the kitchen where he does indeed find waffles and all his other favorite fixings. His son is sitting at the table, scarfing cereal.
“Wow, kiddo. I thought your mom was going to murder me for the way I came in last night,” he said to his son.
“Yeah, well, she would have. Except when we were trying to get you undressed last night, every time she tried to take your pants off, you slapped her hand away and yelled “Cut it out, lady! I’m a married man!””
I haven’t found the link yet, so instead I offer this:
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller’s name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, “Hi there, I’d like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.” Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says “$30,000.” The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patricia explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, the teller explains that she’ll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
Patti finds the manager and says: “There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
“I mean, what the heck is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says,
“It’s a knick knack, Patti Whack
Give the frog a loan.
His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
sigh
Ever hear a joke that made you laugh your ass off and groan at the same time? This, folks, is it!
Adam
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
So…two fellows are out hunting for deer in the pine barrens of New Jersey. Suddenly one of the men starts coughing violently, his face turns ashen and he falls down, thrashes around for a second and then lies still.
His quick thinking partner uses his cell phone to reach a doctor that he knows. He tells the doctor, "I think my friend is dead! What should I do? What should I do!?
The doctor says, “Take a deep breath and calm down. First let’s make sure that he’s really dead.”
There’s a pause and then the sound of a gunshot and then the fellow comes back to the phone and asks the doctor, “OK, what do I do next?”
No offense to atheists (I’m agnostic myself) but I found this one amusing:
An atheist is in a boat on Loch Ness, going fishing. He manages to hook something and he tries to reel it in. Suddenly, up lunges the Loch Ness Monster, madder than all hell.
“God help me!” yells the atheist.
A voice from the sky booms, “I thought you didn’t believe in me.”
“Give me a break,” yells the atheist. “30 seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”
A woman has two parrots. They are very nice pious lady parrots who are always praying and reciting Bible verses.
At church the woman meets a man who has two male parrots. He’s in despair over them–they always cuss, swear, and tell dirty jokes and limericks. The woman suggests he bring them over to her house so her nice female parrots can be a good influence on them.
So one day he takes them over to her house. The female parrots are busy praying and reciting Bible verses as usual and when the male parrots see them they start shouting dirty suggestions and reciting dirty limericks.
One of the female parrots looks over at the other and says “Stop reciting Bible verses, sister, our prayers have finally been answered!”
I unintentionally cause mirth with my everyday antics, but unfortunately these do not transfer so well to screen, you’d all probably say “and then what happened?” after the punchline.
On another note, does anybody know the remainder of the joke that begins:
Three guys go for a walk in the bush and get horribly lost. Eventually they come to a bridge guarded by an old witch. ‘You must show me 21 inches of penis between you or else you caqnnot cross my bridge to safety’ she cackles. The first guy whips out his love-truncheon and it’s 10 inches. The second guy does the same- 10 inches also. The third guy…
An older gentleman, in about his 40’s or 50’s, marries a young woman, no older than 20. On their wedding night, he removes his trousers and throws them at her.
“Put these on,” he says.
She puts them on, but there’s an obvious size difference there. “Your trousers are too big for me,” she says.
“That’s right,” he sternly replies. “That’s because I wear the pants in this family, and that’s the way it’s gonna be.”
Irritated, his young wife removes her underwear and tosses them at him. “Put these on,” she snaps.
Try as he might, the husband can’t get them past his knees. “I can’t get into your panties,” he says.
“That’s right,” she snaps again. “And until your attitude changes, that’s the way it’s gonna be!”
So this guy is taking an overseas flight to Asia. His plain hits a storm, hits some strong turbulence, and crashes into the sea. Being the only survivor, he swims to a remote desert island with as many supplies as he can get from the plane.
After a few months of loneliness, he sees another plane fly overhead and crash into the see. He spots someone swimming from the wreck, but obviously struggling in the water. He dives out, grabs her, and pulls her to shore. He can’t believe his eyes – he just rescued Cindy Crawford!
So he and Cindy spend the next few years on this tropical island together. They fall in love, have plenty to eat, and life is pretty much pure bliss.
However, one day, he starts getting a little moody.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Cindy asks, kissing his neck.
“Aw, nothin’,” he replies.
“C’mon, honey, I love you. Can I do anything to help?”
“Well, I suppose. Would you mind putting my pants on?”
Confused, Cindy complies and puts his pants on.
“And would you mind putting my shirt on?”
Further confused, Cindy again complies and puts his shirt on.
“Now would you…er, mind if I draw a moustache on you?”
Ultimately confused, Cindy allows him to draw a moustache on her.
“Alright, great! Now start walking down the beach that way. I’ll go the other way.”
They both start walking, and meet on the other side of the island.
“Hey, man! You’ll never guess who I’ve been fucking…!”
Which reminds me…
A widow hires a ranch hand to help take care of the ranch that her husband left her when he died. He’s an excellent worker; hardworking, reliable, and honest. After a while, the widow is so pleased with his work that she gives him the night off to go out on the town.
Midnight rolls around, and the hand finally comes back from his night of galavanting, to find the widow sitting by the window, dressed in a flimsy nightgown. He’s at a loss for words, but the widow is not so shy.
“John, would you take off my blouse?” she asks softly.
John gulps and obliges.
“Good, now take off my skirt.”
A little less nervous, John does as the widow instructs.
“Now remove my bra and panties, John.”
Hastily, John obeys. The widow gives him a long, heavy look and says,
“Good, now don’t ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again!”
I’ve a load of these each as disgusting as yours.
What’s orange and blue?
Baby with popped armbands
What’s worse than a pile of dead babies The live baby at the bottom eating his way out
What’s red, white and screams?
A skinned baby in a bag of salt
And finally
What’s red and slimy and crawls up your leg?
Homesick aborted foetus
I feel so dirty now, these are not my jokes just a list of jokes i have heard that are disgusting and baby-related…
Okay, as long we’re telling disgusting baby jokes…
Why do babies have soft spots in their heads?
So you can carry them in groups of five.
And some that aren’t so offensive…
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says “You have a drink named Steve?”
A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Two cows are out lying in a field. The first cow turns to the second cow and says, “Moo! What do you think of this whole mad cow disease debacle?”
The second cow rolls her eyes and says, “Moo! Why the hell should I care? I’m a helicopter!”
Another duck in a bar joke.
This duck walks into a bar. He waddles over to the bartender and says, “Quack! Got any duck food?”
The bartender says, “Duck food?!? Are you high? There isn’t any duck food in this bar. Now get out and don’t come back!”
The duck shrugs and walks out of the bar.
He comes backs the next day and says again, “Quack! Got any duck food?”
The bartender is pissed. Didn’t he warn that one-note duck that if he came he’d nail his feet to the floor? So, he yells, “I already told you we didn’t have any duck food! Now get the hell out of here or I’ll nail your freaky flippers to the ground!”
The duck shrugs and walks out of the bar.
The next day, the duck is back. He waddles over to the bartender and says, “Quack! Got any nails?”
The bartenders flips. “NO! We don’t have any nails here! Does this look like a hardware store to you?! What do you think we put in our screwdrivers? You are one stup-”
The duck cuts him off. “Quack! Got any duck food?”
Two elderly ladies, Ethel and Louise, are driving to the restaurant for their lunch, when the Louise thinks to herself - “Gosh, I could swear Ethel just ran a red light. I must have been imagining things.” A little later it happens again, and Louise thinks, “Well I’m going to have to pay attention!” and sure enough Ethel just barrels on through the next red light. So Louise says, “Ethel, do you realize you just ran three red lights?” and Ethel sits up a little straighter and says, “OH! Am I driving?”
LOL!
Jake
Great story. As an old childless bachelor I love jokes involving kids. Thanks! 