I read in Cosmo once that the correct answer to that question is 3 (regardless of what the actual number is).
So, when asked I’ve always said exactly that: “I read in Cosmo once that the correct answer to that question is 3. So 3.”
I have to be honest - I’ve been totally put off on guys who’ve asked though. Mr. Wonderland and I have had general conversations about our past relationships, but if he blurted out “How many guys have you had sex with!!!” my opinion of him would change for the worse. God, how antequated. Wanting to know if someone has a past that could put you at risk for something is one thing. Demanding an itemized list is just…sad.
:rolleyes:
FWW I would not raise an eyebrow unless the number was over 120.
:dubious: Stop looking at me like that, I grew up in the if it feels good do it generation.
FTR I have never asked a lady that question, but several have volunteered the info.
I agree it’s not an appropriate question for a first date. I’d suggest the ‘Miss Manners’ approach - say, in the most horrified tone possible: “Why on EARTH would you need to ask that?”
Great answer. You could use my standard answer for rude questions
I’m sorry, what did you ask? :: they repeat question:: Wow, that’s what I thought you asked.
I tend to say it with a wrinkle of my nose and a bemused look. It almost always makes them apologize.
I’m not sure why tdn is getting so much crap for the “12” response. Seem like he’s simply stating his own personal opinion. He didn’t say that he’d dismiss her, only that he’d need time to absorb it.
I’m 33, reasonably attractive, and I’m not at 12. I don’t pass judgement on those who have a higher number, and don’t think the shocked and snarky insults are fair to those who prefer a lower number. They’re not asking any of you to live by their opinion.
At the risk of being made fun of, I tend to go by a quote from Alicia Silverstone in Clueless : "You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet. "
I’ve never asked or been asked that particualar question. I wouldn’t like it, especially an the first few dates, unless you were really clicking and it was part of a deeper conversation.
People go through different phases in their lives, and may very well sleep with a lot of people during some phase. I think talking about our past in general terms, such as if were used to be causal about sex is a more fair conversation (important in fact).
When we talked about it, I was upfront with my wife about my past. Even though she has always been more conservative, she didn’t have a problem with my history.
I think that just asking numbers is an attempt to label someone without looking deeply into them. More than “X” is a slut, between “X” and “Y” is acceptable and less than “Z” is uptight.
What does that tell you about them? That they were really good people who kept sex special for only people that they truely loved?
Or, they just lacked motivation to do what they really wanted? That they were socially ackward and couldn’t get laid for the life of them?
The deeper conversation is what’s important, and exact numbers aren’t useful.
Well, it’s quite simple really. Ideally, sex should only happen between two people who plan to share the rest of their lives together. Of course, with all the pressure that exists in the world to have sex, it’s understandable that people won’t always wait. Mistakes happen. It’s easy, particularly when you are young, to think you are in love when you really aren’t. But you should’nt just jump in the sack with everyone with whom you have a relationship. When you do, you really take something special away from your eventual life-partner.
Pressure had little to do with it. I wanted to get laid.
I don’t consider them mistakes.
Love had nothing to do with most of my encounters. Love isn’t a requirement for me to engage in sexual activity. Given the propagation of lovemaking acts going on even as I type this, I think it’s safe to assume the many people would agree.
Again, in your opinion.
Assuming they share the same ‘morals’ you do. For many people, sex is not some sacred act. For you, maybe. But for those of us who don’t share that belief, it does not make us any less moral.
Ok, so you’re old fashioned. That’s not a statement of morals, it’s a statement of culture. It’s fine for you to have that point of view, but please understand that many people don’t, and please don’t suggest that it has a negative bearing on their morals. I think the modern thinking goes something like, if it feels good and hurts no one, go ahead and do it. Another complementary point of view states that you can’t know if you should spend the rest of your life with someone unless you know you’re compatable, sexual compatability included. In other words, don’t get married then fuck, fuck then get married (or some would say, get married and be fucked for life.) Finally I’m not quite sure what you’re taking away from your life partner other than the forgetable inexperienced fumbling that comes from first time sex.
I suspect that most people are comfortable with a number somewhat close to their own, or close to what theirs would be if they’d been single for a particular time. Lets say when I was single, I managed to get laid once a year and my first time was when I was 18. I then meet someone who is 30 and has been single for much of her life. I’d think 12 partners would be a number that I could easily cope with. Any higher numbers and I probably have to think about it before realising that different people have different experiences. As an illustration of the point, my wife, who was a 20 year old virgin when I met her, was hurt and shocked when she found out I’d had a “one night stand.” She eventually realised that there is a broad range of morally normal experiences, she also realised she shouldn’t ask questions she doesn’t want the answers to (thanks Cleo, or whatever women’s magazine it was that prompted it.)
BrknButterfly, the question is one that is probably quite common among teenagers, they’re a bit prone to notch counting. For adults though I think it is a dangerous question to ask, one you shouldn’t ask unless you are going to be happy with an answer between 0 and 1000, and if you’re happy with those numbers you probably wouldn’t be asking in the first place. I would pretty much see it as a deal breaker for initial dating. Once in a more serious relationship, the topic will probably come up naturally in a less obvious way.
Death Ray, as much as I agree with your post I don’t think the question in and of itself needs to be a deal breaker. My recommendation to BrknButterfly is just to say “none of your bees wax” and leave it at that. If the person persists (and it’s really early in the relationship) then this suggests a symptom of a larger problem.
I am almost 30 years old and I have had sex with three guys. Total.
I have been with my SO for a year, and I have never asked him what his total number is…one night when I was drunk I told him that he was #3…and he was both flattered that I told him, and a bit shy…i.e., he didn’t reciprocate.
I don’t really want to know his number. I would never ask him. I am positive that he would never ask me; I offered the information and he did nothing about it other than to tell me that he was pleased that I took him that seriously. I know that he was involved with a girl, and then engaged, for a total of 5 years. When I met him he was in the “I’m free! To screw everybody!” phase.
I don’t want to know how many girls he screwed within that phase. I wouldn’t hold it against him but I still have no need to know the number. I think it would upset me for foolish pointless reasons. Jealousy is perhaps the most ridiculous emotion in the world–and jealousy over the past is even more ridiculous. He belongs to me now, as I belong to him. The past is the past.
Yes you’re probably right. The initial question may just indicate different expectations of what conversation topics are ok early in a relationship. Persistance would indicate a further problem.
Unfortunately slutty still seems to be a term attached in a derogatory way to women. I understand the concept exists but I consider it seriously flawed. Having said that, I consider slutty to be an attitude rather than a number. I’ve seen slutty virgins and I’ve seen very sensible down to earth women who probably slept with more men than I know.