“Slut” is a word used by people who offer cruelty instead of understanding. It is often applied to women (but is applicable to men) who abuse the vanity-high as well as the actual endorphin rush of sex, in the same way as drugs or alcohol, for avoidance of, or to masquerade as reasoning and self-understanding. People who are irresponsible with their sexuality can leave themselves open to cruelty from their partners as well as from gossips, all of whom have their own issues. They can damage others besides themselves, such as their sex partners, significant others, and children, but no life is immune from damage both great and slight due to human weakness.
How many sex partners makes one promiscuous? How many drinks makes on an alcoholic?
Justin Credible: I feel differently about sex and the role it plays in my life. I respect your sexual choices. You’re free not to respect mine, of course. You can be as judgemental as you want.
But I hope you understand that judging me negatively because I’ve had sex with more men than you think is proper makes about as much sense as judging me negatively for not going to church on Easter. Because I’m Jewish.
And for what it’s worth: My shocked response to tdn’s “number” was only because it was tdn who offered it.
Dude, no offense, but I want to know what that special thing is.
To the OP: I know my husband’s number, and he knows mine, because they were relevant. Also, back when we got together (we were both 19) I’d have cared how many previous partners an SO had, but only because I was young enough to care and because someone with a really high number at that age might have some other things going on. Now? If I found myself single? (I’m 29, btw) I wouldn’t ask and I’d be surprised if anyone else did. 10 years of serial monogamy, if you don’t want or have bad luck with long-term relationships, can give you a high number without even trying. Even if you only have a new partner every six months or so, that’s still 20 people. Add a few shorter flings and numbers add up fast.
Please get down off your high horse. I get that in your opinion sex is this sacred rite that should only be shared within the bonds of a judeo-christian marriage and that the rest of us lesser mortals are someone broken. But kindly state your remarks as opinion and not as fact. (This is also in response to your earlier pontificating)
Wait…incompetent fumbling is “something special” now? Why wasn’t there a memo?
Since my wife and I met when we in our 40s, and we had both been single up until then, I have to assume her number is at least as high as mine. I’ve never asked, because I really don’t care.
I would consider myself to have been fairly active sexually in my late teens and early 20s. But at age 37 now, I’ve been married now ten years and in a committed, monogamous relationship with my husband for 13 years.
I’m also reasonably certain that I have more sexual experience than my husband. I don’t really feel our past sexual experience has, or even had, any bearing on our relationship. At the point we committed to a monogamous relationship, that was it. The fact that we trust and respect each other has a lot more to do with the strength of our relationship than past sexual history, which in no way defines our value to each other. It didn’t when we met and certainly doesn’t now.
So, IME, sexual history is no indicator of whether you can have a mutually monogamous, committed relationship.
Exactly. A number per se means little, if not nothing.
The current guy recently asked me (quite hesitantly) if I’d been a virgin the first time we hooked up. I had to laugh. That’s the only time we’ve ever discussed our past sexual history.
I’m trying figure out why anyone would need to know this number. For me, the more important question is why do you want to know this? I think any conversation that involves this being asked and numbers being honestly shared is not going to end well.
Plus, I’m having that scene from 4 Weddings and a Funeral play in my head now.
Why is tdn being given shit? So he has different standards–so what? He’s not disapproving–he’s being honest. Here’s some of my honesty, too:
I’m not a fan of the “see how many guys/girls I can fuck” school, but I am hoping that those with high numbers cared about their partners at least during the act, and weren’t drugged/acting out sexually/drunk/high/paid/paying for it. I prefer to think of them as more sexually active and adventurous (and hope they practice safe sex)–other than that, it’s none of my business. I know I’m an old fogey about this kind of stuff, but seriously, who has the time to be racking up these numbers? Even in college, I had little time for such things.
If I had a partner who had (say) triple digits, I know I would look askance at that person. (And most likely not be their partner–in this case, ignorance may well lead to bliss. Heh). For someone else, that triple digit may be a great turn-on. What difference does it make?
I agree. I managed to get through a decade and a half of single adulthood without asking the question anytime during a relationship. Certainly by sometime in the early stages of being ‘an item,’ as they used to say, I’d have a general idea of her romantic past, and she’d have a general idea of mine, but neither I nor the ladies in my life ever asked for a head (or crotch) count.
You probably, like, went to class. That would totally have cut into my fuckin’ time.
Well, 12 at the age of 30 is ~1/year. 100+ would mean something closer to 1/week (okay, 1/month), which might be rather a lot.
Relationship success has a bit to do with it, too. I’ve been in one two-year and one four-year relationship since I was 16, which left only three years for promiscuity. If I was promiscuous. Which I’m not.
Well, that explains the absence of several lab partners for me…
Exactly. But then, I’m thinking that those who have large numbers tend not to devote quite as much time in getting to know their partners as I did. I waited until at least the 3rd date–and then there’s the time I dated the grad student who was a virgin, but that story’s for another time… Any guy who tried to get me into bed on the first date didn’t get a second date. Maybe those are the people who have large numbers?
To answer the OP, it’s a weird (and, IMO, really, really rude) question to ask anyone you’re not in a fairly serious relationship with. It’s certainly rude on or even before the first date (which is when it sounds like its being asked).
I also think it’s a pretty fundamentally useless question to ask someone. If you’re trying to find out their general attitude towards sex (like where they fall on the “I’m a wait until marriage kind of guy” or “Buy me a drink and we’ll see, sailor” spectrum), then there are definitely more accurate (and less offensive) ways to go about that. If you’re trying to find out what the odds are that you’ll get lucky on the first date before issuing the invitation, you’re almost certainly an asshole. In either case, there have been several appropriate suggestions for responses (I like Dottygumdrop, Mangetout and Sleeps’ responses best myself).
For the record, I’m certain my husband’s number is considerably larger than mine, but then again, I’m not rock-solid sure what my own number is. And there’s almost certain to be some definitional confusion clouding my count - what exactly are we counting, anyway?
I’m not compelled to explain my thinking, of course, but I will offer it anyway.
I tend not to date women who have random hookups. I tend more towards those who want something long term. Not that there’s anything wrong with having many partners, but I’ve never been a one night stand kind of guy. I’m in my mid-40s, and my own number is a mere 21. But I was with a bunch of those women for years. It’s not that I didn’t get laid a lot, it’s that I tended to form something more lasting with those partners. The idea of having several hundred partners just seems really odd. Not immoral, but really outside of my experience.
And I realize that every woman I meet is going to have a past, but I’m uncomfortable with her having had a lot of partners, especially significantly more than I’ve had. I can’t explain the discomfort logically, but it’s very real for me.
I have no idea what my current partner’s number is, but I’d like to think it’s pretty low. She met a guy when she was 20, and divorced him at 40ish. My guess is that she was faithful to him. Shortly thereafter, she lived with a guy for a year and a half. That ended in December. She also admitted to a one night stand, which was a one time thing for her. So, there. I’m guy number four for her. Given that she might have had a few hookups before her husband, I’ll be happy if I’m guy number ten. Even twenty. If I ever find out that she’s been with a couple of hundred guys, I don’t even want to know how that happened.
Everyone has their opinon on when is the best time to wait on having sex. Everyone has their own values and their own timeframe when it is acceptable or not. Though one shouldn’t have an opinion on someone else’s views or actions in their own lives. You might be the kind of person that would wait until they are in love and have some type of emotional interest in that person. That is great and fine. That works for you. It doesn’t always work for everyone else and that should be okay. No one should judge other people on choices they made for themsleves.
Though that would be in a perfect world, wouldn’t it? I am not faulting you for your thinking or point of view. It’s your thoughts or opinion. Though don’t fault another people because they don’t live their life to the same standards you have set for youself. It’s unfair.
I am not ashamed have the number of guys I have been with. They are choices I have made and I don’t consider any of them a mistake. They, in some form or another, taught me things about myself that have help me grow. I am not talking in a sexual nature either. I could go on and on about this and how it has helped me but that wouldn’t be the purpose of this thread.
As for “slutty”, I don’t consider that as the number of people a person has been with. I would probably use that term if my friend was wearing a shirt that was to tight fitting or showed her breasts. Or a skirt that was way to short. I think it is unfair that woman get labelled one way for being with a number of guys when guys get away with the same thing scott-free. Well the “you the-man!” guys have to be with a girl. I think that is unfair, but again… people place judgements on people every day. No matter how much it may be unfair, it isn’t going to change.
It’s just how some people are. It’s life, I guess.
