The October 2002 Evil Overlords Assembly is now in session

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Order! Order! <bangs miserable underling’s head against the gavel plate; tosses bloody remains to the floor in a ragged heap>

This meeting has officially begun. Our first order of business will be to read the minutes from the last meeting. Mini-Flesh, if you will, please?

Mini-Flesh: [ul][li]It was agreed upon that Evil Overlords will adhere to a schedule whereby we will not step on each others toes when taking over the world/solar system/galaxy/universe. Trading of allotted times are allowed as long as both parties agree.[/li][li]It was ruled that an Evil Overlord’s primary means of conveyance (e.g. Death Stars, Mobile Fortresses, 1982 Ford Gremlin, etc.) are definitely symbolic of that EO’s level of evilness and directly linked to the amount of fear and awe to be accorded to said EO.[/li][li]General chaos erupted when several Evil Overlords decided they should be running the meeting. Horseflesh emerged victorious when he cowardly hid behind the captive princess and fired randomly into the melee. All hail Horseflesh! <gives high sign>[/li][li]It was decreed that at the next meeting all Evil Overlords would be allowed to bring only 3 members of their entourage and that they must be chained to the floor while the meeting is in session. They may be walked during a recess but must be kept on a short leash. Each head counts as a member, IOW a 3-headed underling would be all that was allowed for an EO’s party.[/ul]Right, very good Mini. Now for new business. If you wish to address the assembly you will need to be recognized. Please make yourself noticeable as this is likely to get very chaotic. Raise your hand, cast a spell, toss an underling into the air and blast him; whomever makes the biggest spectacle will get recognized first.[/li]
The floor is open…

2

Hefting a fruitcake and brandishing it at the moderator:

“Stand back, everyone! I know how to use this thing, and don’t think I won’t!”

EO Horseflesh , my ambitions as an EO are modest. I want to run the city of Topeka with an iron fist. Up against the wall first would be *you know who. * Can I have it? Of course, I know you think *you * already have control of this territory, but I’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse. Just be my friend and tell me what it is.

3

Aah, a new member to our ranks. I do indeed think I know whom you might be referring to. Does it rhyme with Dead Kelps?

I hearby announce that this heathen will now be your lackey, and you may do with it as you wish. The City of Topeka shall be your new playground. Destroy or enhance it at your whim.

<Thunderous Voice on>
Denizens of Topeka, hear my voice and quail! Fledgling Evil Overlord Baker is your new master. All members of a certain monstrously bigoted family must immediately report to the dungeons for indoctrination. That is all.
<Thunderous Voice off>

Baker, she’s all yours. Here’s the keys. Think you can spruce up Gage Park a little while you’re at it.

4

enter Tristan, with a small horde of headless minions

Greetings! I am new to the Overlording business, but I used to work for EDS. Therefor, as near as I can tell, that should give me street cred if nothing else.

Now then, as I’m new, I should start small.

I wish to rule Montana.

My first order will be the burning down of the entire town of Choteau. After that, lunch.

Any objections?

**place hand on butt of pistol **

5

The floor recognizes Tristan.

Sorry, you’ll have to battle the current Evil Overlord for dominion over Montana.

Oh wait, they put the Unabomber in jail didn’t they? Very well, it’s been pretty lawless out that way since his incarceration. Go ahead. The residents of the blasphemous town of Choteau have had fair warning.

Mini-Flesh, get your head out of your ass and write that down! In your own entrail bile! I’ve warned you before. Don’t think I won’t replace you with another clone. I’ve got thousands of them lined up just waiting to take your place.

6

Topeka … Montana … huh!

Pfft! Typical Northern Hemisphere Evil Overlords! Always thinking small, small small!

For real power, try takin’ over continents, boys! Australia’s taken, but I hear South America and Africa might be up for dibs …

7

The floor recognizes Ice Wolf.

The floor then eats Ice Wolf.

Let’s see what a few rounds with the Garthok will do for you. He hasn’t lost a battle yet. C’mon everybody, gather round!

8

[Muffled sounds of thumps, growls, clank of chains.]

Oi! Garthok, ya wuss! Your drool’s like rosewater, and your ma’s a clodhopper stagehand for the fergin’ Dozey 2nd-Rate Beasties Revue!

CRASH!!

Ya missed!!

[Howls of Hades-style outrage.]

We have taniwha bigger an’ nastier then you mate. Less blind and stupid, too! Does the Dungeon Monsters Union know about your Backstreet Boys poster collection down here? Want me to tell 'em?

[Muffled sound of sobbing.]

Right, then. Move aside like a nice scaley, hunch-backed old freako, eh? Ta, muchly. Oh, and I like the chains – they’re very you.

[Sound of old, long-disused trapdoor opening part-way, before creaking to a halt. Muttered swearing, and ancestral imprecations come forth into the chamber above.]

[Doors fly apart after a well-placed boot to the hinges.]

Right, then. I’ll dust myself off here, mates. You’ll be gettin’ my laundry bill in th’ morning, EO Horseflesh, or whatever you call yourself. Dungeon beast drool stains are a sod to get out, y’know. Creased th’ leather an’ all, dammit.

Oh, and th’ floor eatin’ bit? Feeling a little threatened, are we, precious?

9

Hello, meet my femme fatale Dark Anastasia, and my two bodyguards, the Atomicaly Mutated Masked Mexican Wrestlers.

I demand to know why the agenda of this meeting is limited to the goals of those Evil Overlords that wish to conquer the world, or parts of it.

What about those of us who intend to destroy the world!
Again, I demand to know why the agenda of this meeting is limited to the goals of those Evil Overlords that wish to conquer the world, or parts of it.

And my demands are NON-NEGOTIABLE! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

10

There’s always gotta be at least one nihilist in th’ pack. Sheesh!

A loud one, too.

11

EO Stryper here.

Pffft!!! You lot don’t know what your about!!!
If you want to take over the world (or parts thereof) then you need terror, pain and humiliation…

oh, hang on, that’s my fanasty diary i’m reading… cough errrmmm…

To dominate the world you need Swords. Lots and lots of Swords!!!

12

[Ice Wolf lounges indolently on the recently-dispatched carcase of a minion, picking her teeth with the point of a dagger, watching the gathered EOs with a slight smile.]

13

An EO of the black-leather-femme persausion strolls casually to the center of the floor, carrying a sword nearly as long as she is. She is followed by two Smiths (a la Matrix) wearing headsets and carrying what appear to be high powered rifles.

“I hold Montreal in my fist. I intend to keep it. Anyone care to challenge me?”

She leans on the sword and smiles.

(of course, with Montreal as my base of power, I rule the world already. :D)

14

Feh! Foolish canuck! Any true Lord of Evil will know that over-handing a simple city is by no means a ratification of your evilness.

Myself, I shall spawn many an eeeeevil scheme to see that the world be mine it time, and only th emighty Horseflesh himself may argue!!!

15

Unfortunately, since you did not repeat your announcement in French, the savage Quebec Language Police have been set on your trail. Nice knowin’ ya!.

16

Hands yojimbodog a piece of paper. Ah, but see, I have an exemption, due to my extensive knowledge of the sexual proclivities of separatist politicians. And because I’m holding their children in my basement. :smiley:

17

sound of door being opened -straight down, ripped of its hinges

TheLoadedDog appears silhouetted in the doorway, wearing a ridiculously high collar and sweeping cape…

FOOLS!
Behold, I am speaking in RED - because I am EVIL. Behold a bit more that I put key words in bold because y’all are none too bright. Behold even more that I am wearing a high collar and sweeping cape because I am EVIL. Yes, I know I mentioned evil twice, and it spoils the continuity somewhat, but I don’t care, because I am EVIL.
I spit upon your democratic little meeting, your blech minutes, and your tea and biscuits. I couldn’t decide on a continent to take over, so I’ve settled on the UNIVERSE, and you know why? Because I am EVIL. Yep, that’s it.

You may return to your miserable lives now. I’ll be in touch when I want something.

18

The floor recognizes Evil Overlord TheLoadedDog…mmph…pfff snort…bahaHAHAHAHAhahaha

Sorry TLG, I just cannot say that and keep a straight face. Nice entrance there. You see, people? It can be done. Just use your pathetic little imaginations.

Mini-Flesh has just informed me that our esteemed colleague in Iraq has been stricken from our mailing list and banned from any future meetings due to extreme poopy-headedness. Will someone volunteer to bring the enchiladas and torture/dismemberment entertainment to the next meeting?

19

Michael’s minions fire a 10" concrete-piercing mortar round into the ceiling, blasting a gigantic hole in it. Michael floats down through the hole in a hang glider which he steers towards the podium. Upon landing, he pulls a .44 Magnum, shoots six people in the front row, and pounds a spare Merrill loafer on a nearby desk.

I hearby demand dominion over California, Poland, Antarctica and all BBC television and radio facilities. It is not necessary to know why I choose these, for they will become clear in due course.

I also require one attractive female assistant, preferrably resembling Kirsten Dunst. On second thought, why not just Kirsten Dunst herself?

That is all, except that I hope you enjoy my parting gift to you: A brigade of airborne pirahna fish which are at this instant flying through the hole in the ceiling. Goodnight! :smiley:

20

**The sound of a troupe of jack-booted feet marching in step approaches, accompanied in time to a vocal march containing hilarious and sexually-explicit lyrics. The front screen in the room catches fire from the center and burns outward while BraheSilver steps through the hole with a flamethrower. Dark-clothed minions bearing a strong resemblance to Vinnie Jones storm into the room and begin beating random members in the audience. **

Please. Your red is so demi-evil it may as well be dripping and spelling “Elvira hosts.” My nano-augmented Majestic 12 agents here ring me with constant protection, and my agents deep within the show concept departments of CBS, NBC, and MTV ensure that only the purest drivel will spew forth from your televisions until my demands are met.

My familiar David E. Kelly is hard at work on another series, so you’d better start signing the checks before I give him the order. Put “for my soul” in the memo space, if you would.

The only thing better than a world of drones is a world of mindless drones.