There isn’t much to tell, not much at all, but this is MPSIMS and I bloody well feel like sharing. I need to vent. Not anger. Far from it. No it’s a different kind of venting.
Basically there’s A girl at work whom I am quite interested in. (there was a thread about it) When I say ‘interested in’ I mean I adore her. I want to be her knight in shining armour. I want to care for her, to fight her battles, to be her other half.
But she doesn’t know any of this, and furthermore I feel quite sure she’s not interested in me that way. She likes me. She thinks I’m cool. But that’s a fecking long way from being ‘interested in me’. For now I don’t mind… I’ve decided to develop the friendship. [pause to watch a kitten make a complete mess of a mini pork pie] As it is I/we are desperately short of topics of conversation. How do I ask her about herself without sounding creepy?
Since I properly met her I think I’ve lost all the crippling shyness that has cursed me to a life virtually devoid of experience of the opposite sex. I keep wanting to blurt out my feelings, but I don’t because I know that, considering the type of friendship we have, letting her know how I feel (even that I have feelings of any kind) would be the worst thing I could possibly do.
I’m a weird sort. Here I am making a planet out of a pea. She’s just an attractive female friend. The first one to come along in a long time. It can’t be a coincidence that I’ve become so very interested in the first one in such a long time?
I think I’m babbling now. Hopefully I can refrain from posting a thread every single time I spend a [work] day with her. (I haven’t seen her in a week. The moment she walked through the door today my heart danced. My face was, however, a winning poker one. )
As much as I would like to waffle on and on and on about her I must let you resume your regularly scheduled viewing.
Just . . . chat. Monday morning, tell her you were chatting on a message board and paused to watch a kitten make a complete mess of a mini pork pie. If she has any message board- , kitten- or mini pork pie-related comments, the ball will be rolling.
And then she’ll say “Oh yeah? You were chatting on a message board? Let me see this message board. What were you chatting about? I want to see what you were chatting about… Thank…ohhhhhhhhh dear.”
[stunned silence]
I’ve got two more shifts with her (wed, thur) and then I’m off for a week. Can I reveal her name or would that be silly?
You’ll never know what will happen unless you say something.
It’s not actually all that difficult to let someone know that you are interested in them, if that is indeed what you want. Flirt with her a little…see how she responds.
If your goal is, for the time being, just talking to her, ask her about things going on in her life. “What are you doing this weekend (or over the holiday)?” “What do you like to do when you aren’t working?” Tell her about your family - she’s likely to respond in kind…find out about her siblings and/or parents. As time goes by, she’ll probably start volunteering information to you about what is going on in her life.
Why would revealing her name be silly? (Just her first name, I assume…)
I’m not being mean and I really am happy for you and truly hope this will develop into something beyond your wildest dreams, but my cynical nature tells me this will end badly. It’s great to have a female friend but don’t hang your hat on the nooky peg.
Tell her about your nieces. Perhaps she has young 'uns in her life with whom she is close, plus it will give you a chance to show off a kind-hearted side of yourself. Not that you don’t ordinarily, but it does give a glimpse into your non-work life.
Get drunk and make a fool of yourself in front of her and your mutual friends. It’s what I did and she showed how awesome she is by not caring a whit. We’re still just friends, though, but that’s okay. If you like a girl so much that you want to be with her for the rest of your life then it only makes sense to accept that in whatever form you can. Men (and women) who can’t be friends with an unrequited love baffle me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t hang all of your hopes on the romantic notions. You got it bad my boy, and I hate to see people pounded down with overexpectation. It’s happened plenty of times to me and believe it or not, in my experience the eager, perfect sunset, poetry inspiring Love that has consumed you (Feels great doesn’t it?) often just freaks women out. Women are pragmatists. Come right… be her friend, take your cues from her. Remember, you have to work with her no matter how this turns out.
Never hurts to ask her out. Probably better to be direct. If she is not interested in you in that way, swallow the medicine and don’t break stride. Most importantly, Get over it and move on.
You’ve got to balance the cute kitten and neice stories with indicating you’re interested in her romantically. Get her comfortable with one or two cute stories, support her when she mentions going out for drinks after work. She’ll like the support in her endevour and drinks will allow conversation that will balance out the cuteness.
Just don’t go on and on about kittens, that’ll get you put into the ‘friends only’ box if you’re not careful. You want to be in the ‘friendly’ box-- it’s much easier to get to the ‘boyfriend’ box from there. Don’t worry about her asking to see the message board, unless she’s really into message boards. Though you could say you were chatting with friends instead, because it’s true, and she’s not likely to think it was on-line chatting.
Once you’ve impressed her with your wit over drinks, ask her out for coffee or lunch!
Question for female-type posters–with the hopes that it will aid Messieurs Lobsang and myself:
Given a position where one has gotten along very well with lady A for a year–but unable to go further because intracompany dating is not allowed–and then she gets fired.
Now, how is the Rat-type humanoid best to approach lady A?
Direct: “I know we’ve been friends for a year, but now that we aren’t working together anymore–well are we already too established as ‘just friends’?”
Just keep being friends and “wait and hope.”
Other?
At the time of which we are speaking, I did a tad of a ramped up #2. That is, I still held myself to the rules of what things one can do with a friend but hinted at and worked towards a more romantic relationship. Things went well and she seemed to be okay with Rat-like person’s increased interest. Then, as rummaging through a bookstore before heading to a ball game, she picks up something like “How to Get the Guy: Tips for the Shy Gal.” “What do you think of this?” “Whaa?” “Well there’s this guy I like, but he keeps ignoring me.”
This was of course pronounced a week after asking whether I sleep nudged up against someone I sleep with (which she didn’t like); pronounced a few days after asking what my family would do if I brought home someone of a different ethnicity; and asked not too long past the last time I had given her a lesson in pool–such lessons including grabbing her hips to position them or wrapping my body about hers to get her arms right–without a hint of discomfort at the familiarity. That is, it certainly felt to me like we had advanced into dating and, while still at a minimum level physically, at a relatively high emotional level.
At current I am aware that my sudden and impersonal dumping was due to a personality flaw–she absolutely hates to say “no.” Though whether it was always “no,” or her pondering further on bringing whitey home to her dying mother–I have no clue. (And if it was always “no,” then I of course have to feel bad about fiddling about with her hips while playing pool )
However, to relate this back to the OP:
But, as a guy one does have to wonder whether simply saying up front “I’m interested in being more than friends, but not if it’s going to mean we have to stop being friends. So, before I make a fool of myself, should I just shut off that bit of my brain and go an as is, or are you willing to give it a shot?” Perhaps not romantic–but most people aren’t mind readers.
Yes, I have to strongly implore you to be as direct as possible in your pursuit of Lisa. Just chatting with her at work about inane topics such as what you did this weekend and so forth just isn’t going to do it for her, ever! There’s a decent chance based upon what’s been posted so far that she does like you right now, so if you buck up and ask her out right now, that’s your first, best, last, and only chance. It may not work out. I’m sorry. Such is reality. I very much doubt that you’ll be turned down for a first date outside of the regualar compelling reasons (marriage, etc.).
What you’ll likely be pleasantly suprised by is how easy it is for women to be involved in friendships with men that they’ve been on one date that didn’t go anywhere. Frankly, I’ve pulled it off (with depressing regularity) and I woudn’t be too afraid for the sake of the friendship, frankly. However, you might find your own interest in friendship wanning after a failed first date.
I would avoid doing anything like getting drunk and spilling anything bordering on obsession, even if you feel that way about her right now. Generally avoid showing any level of affection or attraction beyond the typical range of any “gentelmanly” first date because, hey, she’s still your coworker if this thing goes pear-shaped.
So:
ASK HER OUT!
Do so politely, be ready to accept rejection if she has to, but you’ll likely get a date.
You have got to let her know in some subtle or unsubtle way that you’re interested in her that way. I personally find it quite hard to tell with some guys, especially bubbly friendly guys as I presume you to be, whether it’s that way or this way. Don’t go all intense and serious on her, but do make your passion felt. Do it in a way that will command respect and awe.
You could make use of the picturesque Manx scenery, invite her to go for an afternoon walk with you through the countryside, and at the right moment recite this poem to her. (I’ve sworn to marry the first guy that does this to me. Lucky my literature professor never did eh?).
Or you could just do what my now ex-boyfriend did to me: stumble out of the pub together, put your arm around her waist to keep her upright, and suddenly plant a kiss.
Then again that was one unsuccessful relationship right there…
I wouldn’t worry too much about her becoming interested in a message board; any time I’ve mentioned it (ie “I heard this on a message board I’m a member of”, etc.) the lack of interest is palpable.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think you love her - you love the idea of her. Now it’s time to get in there and get to know HER. Ask her questions; listen to the answers; tell her your own stuff if she asks (and volunteer some usual stuff if she doesn’t). Go for drinks; get acquainted. As you get to know HER better and the real Lisa measures up to the Ideal Lisa, then ask her out.
She got stuck in the lift today. Along with a couple of other CC staff (they all go for ciggy breaks together).
One of them rang me up on their mobile from inside the lift. I arrived moments later and said something like ‘trust you to get stuck in a lift’. It wan’t that funny but she laughed a genuine laugh. I love it when she laughs at things I say. However it’s one of those many indeciferable signals she sends. I can’t tell if her behaviour towards me is unique to me, or if it’s the same behaviour she exhibits to all those in the company with a reputation for being cool and clever, and there are a few.
There’s no kidding myself, I know full well that as I glance at her when she’s not looking, I’m acting out the Niles Crane lovesick puppy stereotype. I try to act as cool as as came naturally before female presence in our office was a twice-monthly occurence, but as it turns out I can’t do anything remotely worthwhile in my job while she’s present, and I can’t carry out the kind of mentally flowing stimulating conversations that were easy with the cooler of my male colleagues.
Maybe it’s a good sign though, that half of the reason I can’t do much useful work while she’s around is that she often turns around and looks as if she wants to gossip or gabble about something, and I feel an overwhelming urge to surrender my full attention.
I appreciate all the replies to this thread. I love coming home and reading them. I apologise to all those who must surely be gagging on all this. I keep telling myself that a week in message boards is a long time, compared to a week in life developments (so refrain from this bloody topic) but beer quickly tells ‘I’ to sod off.
To reiterate what featherlou said, part of the problem here is that you’ve built Lisa up in your mind into something she very likely is not. The red flag to me is the statement “I/we are desperately short of topics of conversation.” Well then how the heck do you know you want her to be your “other half”? She’s pretty and you’re attracted to her and that’s all well and good. But it’s possible that once you get to know her you’ll find her as interesting as wallpaper paste.
She’s just a person. I would suggest that you think of her as such and not as an unattainable goddess. It will make your interactions much more natural, without all the pressure. Then I bet you’ll really shine.
Good luck; I hope she’s everything you want, and if so, that you win her over.
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