I concur on the direct approach. Not only that, you should swagger like you got your mojo working right up to her desk, and say “Hey, let’s go get some drinks at Pub A after work tomorrow” (be specific). Look her straight in the eye when you do it. Don’t break eye contact. It may not be easy, but you can do it.
Most women will respond more favorably if you are direct and give them the impression you know what you want, and you want them.
If she answers in the negative, extend your hand and say “Friends, then?”.
Was that for me? I had success in the past by being direct, and yeah, having some feigned confidence. Of course, I’m married now and not on the scene, so take it with a grain of salt. The direct approach works really well in marriage, too!
Let me clear up a few things for you, Lobsang. Lisa poops, farts, burps, pukes, wakes up with smelly breath, feels guilty about mistakes she made years ago, wishes she was different than she is in a few ways, and wonders if that guy she’s always flirting with at work will ever ask her out; in other words, SHE’S HUMAN! Ask her out, for the love of all that’s holy. She’ll say yes or no. You’ll deal either way.
I am under no illusions about her from an objective point of view. Not once have I described her attributes in this or the other thread (I don’t think so anyway).
Whether her looks and personality are middle of the road and very much human why can’t I still adore them. What I’ve seen and heard of her I like.
I do intend to ask her out or let her know that I like her in as sensible a way as I can think. And if she tells me she’s not looking for that (from me) then I swear to you and all those interested in this saga I will be a happy man if she is simply my friend. Heck, being turned down might even make it easier to relax and have a good conversation.
Another thing - I’m not sure if her behaviour is flirting. As I have said she might be just interacting with me because she thinks I’m a cool workmate. She does tend to gravitate physically and mentally towards me over the other many guys in our office… (well me and another guy, but he’s in his sixties and married) Shirley Ujest Surely, you Jest. Me? Good Looking? I looked good in ONE photo and that was a fluke. But believe it… Maybe it’s extreme bad luck, extreme shyness growing up, or both… but I have little experience at this. Oh sure I can charm… but as soon as doors marked ‘chance’ creak open my brain turns to custard.
Hey this might happen tomorrow or the day after… If the right moment occurs.
After the day after tomorrow I 'm off work for about 9 days. I don’t care what anyone says about her being only human and about falling into traps, and about friendship versus romance. I am of the opinion that anything at all is better than nothing, and that it’s about time I took a few risks.
A poker face doesn’t have to be a stone face. It can also be a happy, interested, enthusiastic face as long as it is always that.
Illustration.
I was sitting next to a friend of mine in a poker game one time. A guy sat down across from us and started crying. As the cards were dealt he moaned and groaned and writhed. This went on for a few hands and my friend finally said, “That guy has a perfect poker face.”
I also have a wicked idea. Do you know her address? Get that too.
Arrange to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to her home at the end of the day with just your first name and no sentiment expressed at all. No roses – too romantic. Daisies or other wildflowers or something like that. Cheerful. Friendly.
If she knows more that one Lopsang, that’s okay. Don’t call. Just let her think about it for nine days plus.
Then when you come back, ask her out for coffee or a drink after work.
If you don’t have her address, arrange to have the flowers delivered to work, but don’t put a name on them. Pretend to know nothing. Deny everything. But give her a wink before you leave. Then don’t call, etc.
Don’t worry about what you will say to each other when you have time alone together. Those things have a way of taking care of themselves. And there is nothing wrong with silences either. You really don’t have to plan ahead.
If you don’t like the flower idea, try delivering a banana split to her house. (Hey, it impressed me, but then the guy who brought it to me was riding a motorcycle.)
Lobsang,
I’ve been in your position, and, believe it or not, she most likely know that you are attracted to her. You gotta ask her out and see where this goes. If not, think of how you’ll feel when, one of these days, she lets it slip that she’s started seeing some other guy! Sure, you’re taking a risk, but it’s better to know if your friendship can lead to more. If not, so be it, and stay friends. Good luck.
Can we stop with the advice now? ( I really really appreciate it… but I want to update this thread without seeming like I am ignoring what everyone is saying to me) I just want to share. If today is anything to go by I will be a happy man if we are ‘just friends’ for ever. I haven’t had that much fun in a very long time.
Music, pranks, laughter, catch, mischief, signals, more laughter, physical contact. Today had it all.
I wasn’t alone with her (we were with a colleague with whom I usually have good shifts with anyway). Between the three of us we just had a laugh. It was more me and her fooling about (not fooling around ) and the third person being sort of forced to join in because too much fun was being had.
I’ll go into detail tomorrow. But two of the things were… playing with the auto_correct feature of a guy no-one likes (obb guy from other thread) and replacing system warning sounds with more comical ones (appropriate sounds from ‘league of gentlemen’ and ‘red dwarf’).
“Asking her out” doesn’t have to be a big deal and could even be a group thing: “Let’s (all) go out for a beer after work (or whenever).” That would at least get you on the road… Good luck!
Well there is a works do on friday (that’s tomorrow) that she’s probably going to (she asked if anyone’s going and I said ‘Well I’m free that day’) but that’s hardly a date… and hardly anything to write home about. Not to mention the fact that I have to get up really early on saturday.
No I was thinking more about asking her tomorrow, to go out some time after I am back from my week off… but on second thoughts why not during my week off… I’m not going anywhere.
Oh the pain, the pain of it all… why on earth did I have to go and tell my dad. My dad just causes me anguish… the moment I start thinking happy thoughts about just enjoying her playfull company with the personal romantic interest kept at bay (for now) I see him in my mind’s eye telling me ‘no!’ ‘no enjoyment yet… you’ve got to do the difficult risky task before you can even begin to think about enjoyment’… Sod you dad. I have today with her… and if I am going to have a lot of fun and not ask her out then so be it.
methinks I should ask a mod to close this thread.
Since you work together, why don’t you just do lunch? That’s very innocuous, and it’d give you some private time to maybe plan something outside the workday. I have to admit I’m cheering for you.
When Jim and I started dating, we had many a 3:00 am ends to our dates, with both of us working the next day. We worked tired with smiles on our faces. Is she worth a tired day?
Lunch is had in the office. So it isn’t an option.
“and if I am going to have a lot of fun and not ask her out then so be it.”
I didn’t ask her out. And I did have a lot of fun. I came very close to it… I had the courage… but couldn’t find the right words. We weren’t alone for the shift but at this moment we were bacause my colleague had gone on an errand. We were chatting about something and the subject got onto here frustration and stress from work (her wages had been messed up… which is apparently a regular occurence) and she got to how life in general is not going in a good direction for her… well this hit me as a clear and appropriate moment to spring the question. Brain screaming “now! now! it’s now you stupid fool!” but I couldn’t think of any form of the question that wouldn’t come as a total shock to her… especially as I feel pretty sure now she wants me as just a friend (a good one). I actually wanted to say that I would somehow make her life ok again financially at least… I would support her… but that would be just plain stupid and ridiculous… however all I wanted to do was be the solution to her problems.
A failed oportunity in my experience is not a bad thing for future attempts… If anything it makes them more likely and me all the more determined to try. I’m intelligent I should be able to drop the subtlest of hints… but in her company I have the wit of an idiot.
“Lisa I’ve got a question… and I can’t think of any way of asking it that won’t sound really inappropriate… (pause to wait for the courage) Could you and I go out sometime?”
If she says yes then I’ve got the problem of paralysing nerves until and during the date (whatever it turns out to be) If she says no I can relax (if a little broken) and after the self-pity at my imagined future falling out from under me I will be able to start enjoying the friendship again… All three options (ask, get turned down|ask, get a date|don’t ask) lead to anguish of some form.
She has good taste in music… and once mister boss has left after one of his twelve hour shifts we can switch it on… music adds bravado to myself and the room… and when we’re next alone together…
The reason I have to get up early is I have a boat to catch. But it’s not the getting up early… it’s the fact that it’s a works do and it will have many people she’s known longer than me in attendance. There’s too high a risk of me looking like an inexperienced uncomfortable fifth wheel. No I’d much rather wait until I can manage to ask her on a date for the two of us.
Our aquaintenceship is too young for me to have any chance of getting much of her attention away from her more established male workfriends (and a few of them have me beat well and truly in the looks department) for any dutch courage to be utilised. That much is obvious when one of them turns up in our offfice.
All the more reason I think she put me in the ‘friend’ box from day one.
But what am I saying… she’s asked the room in general… and even me in particular… if I am going… because she want’s someone she knows there… oh Lisa I wish I knew what was going on in your head.
I’m such a pathetic loser. I can’t do it. I’ve been trying to pluck up the courage for the last few hours. She’s sat a few yards away… I am pretty sure now that she doesn’t see me that way. But I want to at least tell her… get it off my chest. How hard can it be to say… “Lisa I am really attracted to you” Damn near impossible…
