It’s fairly obvious by now so I may as well reveal this information… I’ve never had a girlfriend.
There, I said it. Now can you understand my predicament? I’m going to fail miserably.
You know what a miserable failure is? Looking back on this girl the rest of your life and never knowing for sure if she was interested or not. You ask, she says yes, or she says no, but then you know for sure. And it doesn’t have to be for some magical kind of date - ask her to go to coffee with you. Ask her for a drink. You’re way over-thinking this.
You know, Lobsang, this has me thinking. You know who you remind me of?
Me.
Trust me. That’s not a good thing, at least not in this particular instance. I’ve been there many times. Sometimes I think I’m there now, but the hell of it is that I’m not sure, being horrendously bad at reading “signals.” (And too cowardly to ask!)
Ask her out. (I get a pass because of my situation…har har)
There’s only one way to find out. Ask her out.
featherlou is right on the money. You are definitely over-thinking this.
Ask Lisa out!
Any news? I’ve been following the saga, even though I haven’t posted.
Lobsang, dear you have absolutely got to stop imagining how she feels toward you. You have no way of knowing what she’s thinking and feeling unless you’re a mind reader or she’s specifically told you. You don’t know that she only wants friendship. You really don’t.
Stop telling yourself lies right now. They only serve to kill your courage. From what you’ve said here she could very well be interested in you but you’ll never know until you ask. Just ask. Open your mouth and ask.
Wanna go out sometime? How about dinner on Friday? Would you like to go see this concert with me? I’ve been wanting to see this new movie, would you like to join me? Figure out exactly what you want to say and memorize it.
I am frequently tongue tied and shy and I find that if I rehearse what I want to say in my head it helps. That way when the moment arrives and I’m nearly paralyzed with fear I’ve still got the words in my head.
Good luck. 
I’m with Anaamika, how’re things going? roots for Lobsang and Lisa
Lobsang: Screw the right moment, screw the right words, and most importantly screw her. If she isn’t smart enough to see that you are the great guy and amazing boyfriend you know you are, she isn’t worth another thought.
Have I got your attention yet? Good! Remember: “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.” All of the difficulty you’re going through is solely due to your idolatry of an ideal you yourself created. The first thing you must do is take a club to what you think she is and what you think you are.
“Wouldst thou have that Which thou esteem’st the ornament of life, And live a coward in thine own esteem, Letting ‘I dare not’ wait upon ‘I would,’ Like the poor cat i’ th’ adage?”
In other words: Do you really want to look back on this and wonder ‘What if… ?’ There are worse things than ‘No.’
Know what works? “Me & Mark are heading over to The Fox & Hound tomorow after work for pool & $2 pints. Wanna come?” Mark’s always willing to do a favor and no-show $2 pint night leaving :gasp: the two of you to play at billiards and knock a couple back. I can’t stand the idea of a “date” because to me a “date” is a formal job interview. Too damned much pressure to put on yourself. It’s like rolling up to someone and saying, “will you please critique the front I’m about to put on? It’s not really who I am, but I’d really like to get in your pants.”
Nuts. Dude, I know you’re stuck on her, but just hang out with her as much as you can and enjoy every minute of just hanging out. It sounds like she enjoys your company and that means you’re 85% of where you want to be. You sound a lot like I was when I was in the market for my first girlfriend. We spent a lot of time hanging with friends, almost never by ourselves. One cold December evening on our way to a phone both to call a cab I put my arm around her like pals will sometimes. Next thing I know she’s done the same. After an hour of making out in front of the phone booth our cabs came and took us to our respective dwellings. That one lasted a long time. She’s still my very best friend…and you even know about The Saga. Stuff just happens or it doesn’t. But it seldom seems to happen when you consciously want it to.
Best of luck. I’ll be reading.
Am I the only one who needs to mention that it is often a terrible idea to date your coworkers?
Just say to her “Look, I know we are coworkers and all but I’ve been wanting to ask you something for the longest time but I’m afraid of how you might respond. I have these feelings and if you said no…well…I guess I’ll just ask…do you want to go to the bathroom and make out?”
Well a load of people from work are going paintballing, then bbq, then out drinking. I’ve agreed to go to that (guess who nudged me to go) in a few weeks.
That’s better.
Ahhhh love. Her name could be Bleckbern Vomittrool and you’d still find it to be a lovely name.
The annoying thing about this is… she’s always broke (and I can tell it gets her down) and I have too much money. If only I could say “be my girlfriend and we can put all this spare cash I have to better use” but life isn’t as simple as that… It would be inappropriate… not to mention incredibly insulting… Like saying Ha! I have money to burn and you are broke!
I would kill for a laid-back matter-of-fact way of letting her know I like her. I don’t mean asking her on a date. I mean just telling her how I feel so she can let me down gently, or dive on me with barely enough time to say “what took you so long!”. A laid-back m-o-f way of doing that would fit with the laid-back essence of the shifts we spend together… so that once the deed is done and the reply is given the shift can carry on with little or no uncomfortability. Part of me thinks she’s going nuts waiting for me to let my feelings known. Another part of me thinks she hasn’t the foggiest clue that I quite like her and that she’s not waiting for anything at all. Yes Yes I know the only way to find out is to ask. No harm in sharing such things with you guys though.
Man! The suspence is killing me. Do you shre any common interest in movies. Can you mention that a certain movie starts tomorrow and I was thinking of going. Are you interested in this movie?
Ms.Nic and I were friends for 5-6 years before we went out together (we both were seeing someone else) and I was afraid I would damage that by asking her out when both of our “previous commitments” were not a consideration. But the idea of not asking, and her going on with her life never knowing my interest was worse than my fear of asking. If she gives up on you, thinking you are not interested, and shows up at a work gathering with someone who did ask, you will regret it forever.
Please opt for happiness. It’s great. You’re gonna love it.
Nic
I always think it’s cute how dopers with SOs use some variation of their doper name to refer to their SO (and their kids for that matter) Like ‘Ms.Nic’ in this case.
Anyway… we’ve played twenty questions a few times (where one person thinks of a famous person and the other then asks questions with yes or no answers to find out who the person is) and it has become obvious that she’s not much of a movie fan (for example… she has no idea who ‘Frodo’ or ‘elijah wood’ is. She also had no idea who ‘Ted Danson’ was or that he was the bartender in cheers… the most well-known sit-com in human history)
She’s sporty… would it be odd to suggest we both play tennis/badminton/something sometime? It’s not the kind of ‘date’ that immediately springs to mind but it’s something.
How about darts? It’s a public, non-threating place. She can meet you there so there’s no date-like-agreement to pick her up. Many women I have know loved to play darts. It is a game that is fun, inexpensive, and men have no physical advantage. Ms.Nic loves them (and thanks for your note above). and best of all, if you stink at darts, it can be funny and maybe something she can help you to learn.
Also, don’t suggest a movie that appeals necessarily to you, but one that may appeal to her. Since costs are an issue (if it’s a issue to her, it’s a issue to you) go to an early showing and offer to spring for the popcorn and drinks. Nice but not threating.
Wow, man, do you need a plan? Plan forthcoming…
Make sure it’s not so loud you have to yell to hear each other, and that there’s someplace for her to sit, and from a woman’s perspective, this is perfect, because you can:
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Have a few drinks. It sounds like you both need a drink, if only to use as an excuse the next day for getting silly.
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Be in close physical proximity to each other. Sitting at the table, passing each other to/from the board, standing beside one another.
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Proximity is important, because I think you need some actual physical contact with her. Very subtle contact.
PLAN
Find her alone, ask her out to play darts, and try and get her to come alone. Don’t suggest a group thing. If she brings it up, acquiese, but you go for “Let’s play darts, I’m buying.”, or “I want to get better at darts, would you help me out with a few games.” Something anyone, male or female, would say to a friend if they wanted someone to play darts with. If you can’t get her alone, if she makes one excuse after the other and won’t commit even to a week, I’d say you’ve already been relegated to the just-a-friend category.
Realistically, the two of you are playing darts.
So, in the bar, after a couple drinks, and you’re standing side by side, lean into her just a little. Your arm against her shoulder, light but long enough that she looks at you. You’re going to look at her, smile, and ask either a) Are you seeing anyone?, or b) Are you still single?, whichever is appropriate.
For question a), yes answers lets you shake your head and sigh, and smile when you say something to the effect of ::dramatic sigh:: “My heart is crushed.” ::big smile:: “Another round? Or are you ready to go?”
If she answers no: ::hmmm:: “Another round, or are you ready to go?”
For question b), reverse the above responses.
If you get a positive reponse, either “No, I’m free as a bird,”, or “Yes, I’m still waiting for Mr. Right,” WAIT until the next time you see her to ask her out.
From this point on, whether you continue playing/drinking or walk her to her stop/car, keep tuned for her brushing up against you.
Some women will flirt verbally for days with no intention of getting serious, but many women are acutely aware of even the slightest physical contact and will not tease that way.
So, if she stumbles near you, straighten her up with an arm around her shoulders. If she places a hand on you (pushing you slightlyl, pointing out something, whatever), squeeze her hand for just a second. If she doesn’t run off when you’re exchanging good-byes, you lean in SLOWLY, smiling and keeping eye contact, if she still lingers, kiss her on the cheek. If you’ve the opportunity to help her ow with a jacket, do it.
Why, why do this? Why not? Her father would. A cousin, uncle, brother would, and as such it is all non-threatening. But a boyfriend would too, as would a lover, or husband, or her-little-pony. And she knows this.
She may have never have thought of you romantically before, but a little tactile stimulation might make her look at you in an entirely new way. It’s worked for me. In the least, it’ll bring the situation to the forefront and make her wonder if you were being fraternal, or if you really like her. And wondering is exactly what you want. She could very well like you and not know it (and know, it sounds crazy, but speaking from experience it’s absolutely true) and might need some time to mull things over.
Assuming you got a positive answer to the her being single question, you’ll find out when you get her alone a day or so later and just ask, ‘Could I take you out sometime?’.
And there. It’s done. She either says yes or no. And if she says no, all you’ve done is enjoy her company, been a friend, been a sexy gentleman, and made an impression that might have her cooing about you to her single girlfriends.
It’s a win-win.
In a few weeks! :eek: You’re not seriously considering waiting a “few weeks” before you make your move are you?
Really, if you can’t manage it for yourself, do it for us, your devoted fellow Dopers.
The suspense is killing me.
Something I found out today makes the idea of ‘going out’ especially casually… Is that she ‘goes out’ with blokes all the time… as friends. The one thing I don’t like is that she gets on well with just about every male in the company… and she knows them all better than me, and she goes out for drinks with them.
No rather than try to get a casual date with her would it be a bad idea to simply tell her that I am fond of her? I’m driving myself up the wall because our friendship is looking increasingly like it was stuck firmly in the work friend column from day one… and there fore increasingly less appropriate if I try to get something more. A few of the blokes she get on well with have me soundly beat in the looks, experience, money stakes. For her to want a boyfriend in me there would have to be some feelings there already…
I don’t think so. Do it very casually, and leave her outs.