A boob in the hand is worth two in the blouse.
My new motto.
Give a man a fish and he owes you a fish.
Teach him to fish and you’ve lost your fishing monopoly.
Why does it always rain on me? Is it because…
a) Warm air meets cold air causing it to rise, cool and condense - precipitation shortly follows
b) I move in conjunction with the Inter-tropical Convergence Zone.
c) I live in Scotland
I thought it was: Hell hath no fury like the robot army of a woman scorned.
I remember I read this on some webcomic:
Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. So how come nobody suggests to ban people?
IT-related ones:
Lubarsky’s Law of Cybernetic Entomology: “There is always one more bug…”
My addition: “… if you hire consultants and pay them by the hour”.
Parkinson’s Law of Data: “Data expands to fill the space available for storage…”
My addition: “… as soon as your employees find out there’s no porn-filter on the office broadband connection”.
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight.
Red sky all day, you’re in the middle of Crisis on Infinite Earths.
He who laughs last is slow to get jokes.
If life gives you lemons, point out that on the order form you specifically asked for tangerines!
Never judge a Chinook by its hover.
That’s: If you’re not a part of the solution, you’re a part of the precipitate.
That’s because he has the other half of his water in a redundant glass! 
When Life gives you lemons, kick it in the nuts and scream out “I want some fucking jelly for my biscuit!”
When life gives you lemons, make applesauce.
One more from the great Norm Peterson: “It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I’m wearing Milkbone underwear.”
Those who remember the past are doomed to repeat it…to anyone who’ll listen.
Half a loaf is better than none. - John Heywood (c.1497-1580)
Half a wife is better when you have the bottom half
Hard words break no bones.
(only the dinnerware)
Have confidence in yourself and you can lick anything.
I thought that was : Be flexible and you can lick anything
Once we iron out all the bugs, we’ll be running on flat bugs.
Mind like a steel sieve.
Body by Nautilus. Brain by Mattel.
If you can’t be a good example, be a bad influence.
“If God had meant for us to eat waffles, he would have given us… lips like snowshoes”
Rev. Billy C. Wirtz
“I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy”
I don’t remember exactly who said it but it came from the Dr. Demento show
Unclviny
you can pick your nose, and you can pick your kids’ nose, but you can’t pick your kids.
It’s Not The Money, It’s The Principle!
The principle in this case is I don’t want to be out that amount of money
That would be Tom T-Bone Stankus in his surrealist salute to the Wizard of Oz.
That song is out there on the net if you know the kinds of programs to use (cough).
I think he just says, “frontal lobotomy”, though.
If a tree falls in the wood and crushes a mime artist, does anyone care? Terry Pratchett
If at first you don’t succeed, give in and go get drunk in a pub somewhere.
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand. Homer J. Simpson
He knew the value of a man’s life. Often to the penny. Terry Pratchett [of assassins]
If you come to a fork in the path, take it and look out for a knife.
I slept like a baby last night - I woke up three times crying, wet the bed, soiled the sheets and ended up sleeping in my parents’ room. (British Comedian)
Bulimic Science: What goes down must come up.