“Brian! There’s a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says, `Ooooooooooo’!”
“Peter, those are Cheerios.”
The Cheerios one – that was an early one, but still one of my favorites!
Tom Tucker: “We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?”
I like the one where Peter starts narrarating his own life -
“Lois had really let herself go”
“I awoke several hours later in a daze”
“So …like can the family understand the baby or, or uh, what’s the deal with that?”
“Our Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa filed this report - ALL… BY… HER… SELF!”
This reminds me:
Brian: “They’re eating Asian reported Trisha Takanawa!”
Peter: “That’s insane, they’re just going to be hungry again in an hour!”
Stewie: We’re playing house…
Lois: But that kid is all tied up!
Stewie: Roman Polanski’s house.
Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
Peter: “Oh yeah, I read about this in a book once.”
Brian: “Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?”
Quagmire: “How old are you, sweetheart?”
Girl: “16”
Quagmire: “18? You’re first”
Girl: “Mom!”
Quagmire: “heh heh - I like where this is going”
Job interviewer: “So, Peter, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Peter [looking at picture of interviewer, wife, and son at beach. Internal monologue don’t say doin’ your wife don’t say doin’ your wife]:
“doing your…son?”
Lois: Who likes to eat red carpet?! Who likes to eat red carpet, huh, big boy?!
Oh man, how could I forget Tom & Diane?
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn’t really matter what we say. I’m the lord Jesus Christ. I think I’ll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?
Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don’t like black people.
[they laugh]
Cameraman: You guys, we’re still on in Boston.
[Tom and Diane stare in horror]
and later . . .
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom… I don’t think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she’s in Quahog and cant hear a word we’re saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we’re back on in Quahog.
[They freeze, with Tom still holding up a paddle]
But my favorite is a short one:
Tom Tucker: I’m turning down the thermostat . . . tune in at eleven to see Diane’s erect nipples.
I also laugh like an idiot at Peter’s demonstration that he’s really good at breaking bad news in a gentle way. Cue the barbershop quartet:
You have AIDS!
I hate to tell you boy, but you have AIDS
. . .
Not HIV but full-blown AAAAAAAAAIDS
Oh, and red carpet reminds me of this:
Peter: Just don’t forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. . . . You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.
Peter: “If I wasn’t so sure you’re a lesbian, I’d swear you’re coming on to me.”
Death: “I caught Flo Jo. I can catch you.”
And, favorite all time, the Pinocchio sequence. . .
Gepetto (bending over with his ass in pinocchio’s face): “Did you take that cookie from the cookie jar?”
“No”
“I promise I won’t be mad.”
(my quotes aer never vetted fro accuracy)
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where’s the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don’t see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God’s sake, there’s only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
[yelling]
Stewie Griffin: HE’S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a…
[gunshots are heard following by a “body drop” sound effect]
Peter: I am looking for Peter Griffin. He gave me a hundred dollars to take off all of my clothes off.
Brian: Enis.
Peter: What did I say?
Brian: Anus.
Peter: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
Brian: I’ll be out on the porch, since you are up on the cross.
Brian: I’ve licked my share of peanut butter…
When Stewie wakes up in a daze and falls into the radiator, his line, “Dammit to blood-gutted pus-spewing hell!” cracks me right up.
Here’s Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa with her slant on the story.
Brian: Good one Peter, did you stay up all night coming up with that one?
Peter: I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
Stewie, reviewing Brian during his performance review while working as part of Stewie’s pyramid scheme…
Stewie: Now, I’m going to do something I like to call the 'Compliment Sandwich" Where I say something good, talk about where you need improvement, and then end with something good.
Brian: Whatever you gotta do…
Stewie (flips notepad): Something good… something good… You look like SNOOPY and it makes me smile… but you have smelly dog farts.
Still my favorite scene ever…“WHERES MY MONEY MAN?! HUH? WHERE IS IT, MAN? WHERE’S MY MONEY?”
Quagmire to two girls making out in a lesbian bar: “So, ever been penetrated?”
Holy crip he’s a crapple.
Meg has a stalker crush on Brian.
Meg: Hey, Brain! Let’s go the mall and…hang out!
Brian: Uh…I uh…can’t, Meg. I…uh…(notices Brian) Chris and I have plans tonight!
Chris: We do?
Brian: Yes…to do that…thing…that thing you normally do at this time of the night.
Chris: Masturbate?
My favorite one-line zinger, while watching “One Day At A Time”:
Brian: Got anything on that remote lower than “Mute”?