Simon: Nice effort Brad, but let’s remember our performance hierarchy: legitimate theatre, musical theatre, stand-up, ventriloquism, magic, mime.
At laser-eye surgery place -
Obi-Wan’s ghost: “Use the force, Luke.”
Luke (pointing at huge fancy machine): “Are you sure, 'cause I was just gonna. . .”
Obi Wan: “Just use the force.”
Luke telekinetically stabs woman through her head with light saber
Luke: “Are you happy?”
Obi Wan: “I’ve never been happy.”
Lois: (while high and naked on the couch, talking to Stewie and Brian) He’s knockin’ on the back door! Should I let him in?
Brian: Umm…what?
Lois: Peter’s knockin’ on the back door! Should I let him in? I’m a-scared!
Peter: I haven’t been this scared since I was ambushed by that pack of roving Tom Brokaws.
Peter: This is gonna flop as bad as that musical we did of Red Dawn.
[cut to Peter on stage, dressed in camouflage]
Peter [warbling]: I’m a Wolverine, and my anger keeps me warm… a Wolverine, and you Commies best be warned…
Brian’s ditsy girlfriend, on the phone: Brian, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’ve been wondering if I’m a Jew.
Brian: Well, I don’t know. Are you Jewish?
Girlfriend: No.
Brian: Well, there you go.
Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker’s face on TV and she looks like a foot.
–there are a lot of throwaway jokes regarding celebrities that are just downright mean. I absolutely love them. There is one about Liza Minnelli that I won’t bother two explain because half of it is visual, but that one is my favorite. “you love me now, mama”
Doctor: Your lump was just a fatty corpuscle.
Peter: How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Don’t forget the wonder that is Adam West -
Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma.
West: Oh My.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that Toxic waste. What in God’s name were you trying to prove?
West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well that’s just silly.
West: Silly yes … Idiotic … yes!
West: I love this job more than I love taffy … and I’m a man who enjoys his taffy.
West: We invited Reverend Jesse Jackson to open up our ceremonies with a prayer. Unfortunately he could not make it, so instead we have LaToya Jackson.
LaToya Jackson: Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yea God!
West: How very inappropriate, thank you.
Or Stephen Hawking-guy: “You’re pathetic. Tell you wife she can come over later for some boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka, boom shaka laka laka, boom.”
Peter, after Lois points him to a newspaper article about a busload of children dying:
“Lois, that’s just morbidly obese.”
After mentally assuming “esoteric” to mean “delicious:”
“Brian, Who’s the Boss? is not a food.”
I use this all the time whenever someone says something that’s morbid.
Peter is sitting on the doorstep, not having gotten Meg’s birthday party together yet.
Brian: “You know Peter, if you’re going to pull a party out of your ass, you might want to stand up.”
Lois, singing to Meg.
“You are hmmhmm, going on hmmmmm, fellows will fall in line.”
Lois: “He was really big and well-built, you know? Like a Marine! Omigod, to have a Marine inside you, well, there’s just nothing else like it.”
Brian takes Meg to the prom, drinks too much, barfs and then shamefacedly begins lapping it up again. :eek: Always a dog, no matter how many guy things he does.
If I recall, he asks her if she’s going to eat that first. He is a gentleman you know.
Captain Kirk: “Alright men, this is a dangerous mission. And it’s likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.”
Ensign Ricky: “Aahh, crap.”
Peter: I’m gonna go microwave a bagel & have sex with it!
Quagmire: Butter’s in the fridge!
Peter: I can’t go out drinking tonight, I think I have a problem with alcohol. Eeeh I’m just kidding. Lets drink until we can’t feel feelings.
Brian<when he is acting as if he were stewie>: I’m a pompous little anti-christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
Stewie (enters living room in diaper): “I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing in my own feces?” clap clap “Some service here!”
Lois: “Peter, what did I ask you not to do last night?”
Peter: “Drink at the stag party.”
Lois: “And what did you do last night?”
Peter: “Drank at the sta–uhh! uhh! You almost got me!”
Peter: “By the way Lois, I got a piercing over there. I’m not going to tell you where but I will give you a hint–it wasn’t on my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls.”
“Stewie: Did you hear that Meg? Guys can marry other guys now. So…this is awkward, but I mean, if they can do that, that is pretty much it for you, isn’t it? I mean you may as well pack it in. Game over.”
Chris: “Dad, what would you say if I told I didn’t want to be in the Scouts?”
Peter: “I’d say, ‘Come again?’ and I’d laugh as I said, ‘Come.’”
Lois: “I just wish my opinion mattered to you.”
Peter: “Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that’s the greatest gift of all.”
Lois and Peter at a high school football game supporting Meg as a flag girl.
Lois: “Oh Peter look, isn’t she beautiful?”
Peter: “Yeah, but I think she’s seeing someone. She’s sitting next to that Philipino guy.”
Lois:“Peter, I’m talking about your daughter!”
Peter: “Oh… yeah… Yeah, she’s hot.”
Brian surprises Stewie in the bathroom, shaving himself.
Stewie: “Brian! Oh… uh… do you think you might… oh, this is awkward…”
Brian [laughing in disbelief]: “Holy freaking God!”
Stewie: “So… do you think you might… maybe… shave my… coinpurse?”
Brian: “Hahahahaha hahahaha hahahaha… no.”
Dr. Diddy: Lemme explain somethin’ to ya’all. We need to get Meg half-nekkid and centre-stage, and that’s gonna make us all billonaires. 'Cuz there’s nothing America loves more than hot white jail-bait ass.
Peter: That’s the smartest thing anyone’s ever said about anyone.