Peter to Brian : Oh my God, you can talk!
Peter: Oh, God! It’s in the racoon wounds!
After William Shatner is run down and killed, later in the episode:
Ensign Ricky: ‘Didn’t see that coming.’
At a police auction:
Auctioneer: Next item lot 49 - This pair of hooker’s panties.
Quagmire*(instantly)*: 50 bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STD’s
Quagmire: 40 bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we arrested her she wet herself.
Quagmire: 50 bucks.
Land of Make Believe is in ruins. Henrietta Pussycat runs by on fire screaming: “Meow Meow Meow, Skin Grafts, Meow, Meow.”
Brian has just started work at Stewie’s make-believe telesales office. He is, at this time, Stewies only employee.
Stewie: Hey, um…Brian. Listen, I don’t want to be a killjoy but…well, I wanted to talk to you about your coffee mug.
Brian: What about it?
Stewie: Well…it’s got “Life’s a beach” on it and that’s dangerously close to…well, I’m not going to say it, but, y’know.
Brian: Yeah, that’s the joke.
Stewie: And nobody appreciates a good joke like Stewie. But I’ve received some complaints from some of the other employees.
Brian: Other employees? Who else works here?
Stewie: FUCK YOU!! THAT’S WHO WORKS HERE!!!
Peter being interviewed for a job:
Boss: What do you see yourself doing in five years?
Peter, looking at family picture on desk, thinks to himself ‘don’t say doing your wife, dont say doing wife’
Peter: Doing your son?
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that’s funny! That’s really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I’ve, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that’s what she says on the show right? Isn’t it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you’ve taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That’s so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we’re hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you’re so funny!
Peter, talking to Lois about teaching Meg how to date: “After I’m finished with her, she’ll be beating off guys with both hands”.