Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it’s time for our viewers to crack each other’s heads open and feast on the goo inside?
Democracy simply doesn’t work
“Soon we’ll all be taking golden showers!”
And I for one welcome our new insect overlords. I’d like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
“This just in - go to Hell!”
Tonights headlines- Homer Simpson sleeps in oxygen tent. He believes it gives him sexual powers.
At Kamp Krusty, covering the chaos after Bart takes over:
“Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq; and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.”
“I don’t say ‘evasion’…I say ‘avoision’.”
“Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say ‘No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?’ But one woman says ‘yes’: Marge Simpson.”
“Are cartoons too violent for children? Most people would say ‘No. Of course not. What kind of stupid question is that?’ But one woman says ‘yes’: Marge Simpson.”
“it’s In revelations, People!!”
I put my post in all caps, for emphisis, because Kent more or less screamed it. When I posted, it was “altered”. 
“… Which, if true, means certain death for us all. In other news…”
The following celebrities are gay:
Springfield was shocked today to learn it will host the next Olympics. Economists predict our city will experience the same boom Sarajevo enjoyed after the 1984 Games.
There’s one stored on my harddisk. I know the beginning and the end but not the middle…
“There’s a new mood in springfield tonight… <snip> … and it’s about f*cking time!”
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
Brockman: Big game fever is reaching a fever pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A&M spreads like wildfever. This is writing?
Intern: I’m sorry Uncle Kent; I lost my thesaurus.
Brockman: sotto voce – “My thesaurus” … you’ll lose more than that! In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever.
“…Oh, and today thepresidentwasarrestedformurder, more on that later…”
“OOOHHH THE HUMANITY!!!.. In related news…”
“HELLO I’M KEN BROCKMAN!!!”
Kent: “What about the reports of your men committing more crime than they are preventing?”
Homer: “Kent, I’d be lying if I said my men weren’t committing crimes.”
Ken: Pause "Well, touche’ "
(I think this is Brockman, although it may be some generic radio announcer…)
“…authorities say the phony pope can be recognized by his high-top sneakers and incredibly foul mouth…”
“Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office…joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.”