The Quotable Simpsons Bonanza

Cafe Society
41

Lisa: You’re a latter-day Clarence Darrow!
Hutz: Uh, was he the black guy on the Mod Squad?

Hutz: Ooh, he’s going to win!
(watching the DA)

Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. Here’s my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.

Bart: What’s that guy doing here?
Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I’ll be defending you on the charge of… Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I’ll be famous!

Hutz: Don’t worry, Homer, I’ve got a foolproof strategy to get you out of here – surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won’t know what hit him.
[camera pulls back to reveal Hutz is in the cell next to Homer]
Cop: [bangs bars with nightstick] Pipe down in there, Hutz.

Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty. I refer you to my expert witness, Dr. Hibbert.
Hibbert: Well, only one in two million people has what we call the “evil gene”. [holds up a card showing DNA] Hitler had it, Walt Disney had it, and Freddy Quimby has it. [chuckles]
Hutz: Thank you, Dr. Hibbert. I rest my case.
Judge: You rest your case?
Hutz: What? Oh no, I thought that was just a figure of speech. Case closed.

42

Troy: [singing] I hate every ape I see
From chimpan-a to chimpan-zee
No, you’ll never make a monkey out of me…
Oh my God, I was wrong
It was Earth all along…
You’ve finally made a monkey

Apes: Yes, we’ve finally made a monkey

Troy: Yes, you’ve finally made a monkey out of me

Apes: Yes, we’ve finally made a monkey out of you

Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!

43

(After watching Dr. Nick Rivera apply a cleaner to the grave of Edgar Allen Poe- or as Nick puts it, “Edgar Allenpoe”) “Quoth the raven- what a shine!”

“What a terrible waste. [notices audience] Hi! I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such drivers-ed films as Alice’s Adventures Through The Windshield Glass and The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot. For the next sixty minutes, we’ll be seeing actual footage of car crash victims.”
[Completely inappropriate goofy music plays as the sounds of cars crashing are heard]
“Here’s an appealing fellow. In fact, they’re a-peeling him right off the sidewalk!”
Homer [laughing uproariously]: “That’s funny because I don’t know him!”

“McArthur Parker, the agent? McArthur Parker, my agent?”

Parker: “Ever heard of Planet of the Apes?”
McClure: “Uh, the movie or the planet?”
Parker: “The brand new, multi-million-dollar musical. And you are starring…as the human.”
McClure: “It’s the part I was born to play, baby!”

44

“While you’re enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins [sub]and…[/sub]”
“What’d he say about my car?”

(And not a quote, but I loved the look on his face and fake laugh during the 138th episode special where they just showed the very first Simpsons cartoon).

45

(From The Meat Council Presents: Meat and You: Partners in Freedom)

Jimmy: Uhh, Mr. McClure? I have a crazy friend who says its wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
Troy: Nooo, just ignorant.

46

ANNOUNCER: Which popular Simpsons characters died in the past year?

[Commercial Break]

TROY: If you said Dr. Marvin Monroe and Bleeding Gums Murphy, you’re wrong. They were never popular!

47

KKK? That isn’t good. Either way, it looks like Simpsons quote threads are the new in thing. There’s Mr. Burns, Lionel Hutz, and Troy McClure. So I thought I’d join the party with a thread dedicated to one of my favorite minor characters. And remember, every time you post, I’ll send you a check for $10! (Checks will not be honored.)
"I heartily endorse this event or product!"- Krusty the Klown

“Krusty, George Carlin on line one.”
“What? Look, George, my ‘seven words you can’t say on TV bit’ is entirely different from your ‘seven words you can’t say on TV’ bit. [pause] Well, ex-cuuuuuuse me!”
“Krusty, Steve Martin on line two.”

“Itchy and Scratchy won’t be here, but we’ll have all sorts of new friends, like…uh…Professor Gas Can…and…um…former U.S. president Ike Eisenhower! ‘Let’s get busy!’”

[after watching a cartoon in which Itchy turns Scratchy into a glass sign]
Krusty: “Man, you’d think the quality would dip after 5,500 shows, but [laughs]”
Lindsay Naegle: “Well, the FCC isn’t laughing They don’t believe kids are learning anything from Itchy & Scratchy.”
Krusty: “What don’t they learn! Don’t trust mice, cats are made of glass…”
Lindsay Naegle: “Our license renewal is on the bubble. We need educational programming fast.”
Krusty: “What about that Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour?”
Lindsay Naegle: “That’s barely legal enough as it is. Here’s what I was thinking: a newscast by kids, for kids.”
Krusty: “You’re not taking any time out of my show! It’s jammed up as it is: there’s a monologue, those idiot puppets, Krusty’s Naptime, the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Señor Papino…I tell you, it’s the tightest three hours and ten minutes on TV.”
Lindsay Naegle: “We’re cutting ten minutes from your show.”
Krusty: “Well, I guess I can trim the hobo parade to a lean twenty.”

“No, not my plane! You can’t take that! Dean Martin and I used to fly in that thing all the time! The moon hit our eye like a big pizza pie! We wrote a song about it, but it ended up infringing on one he had already recorded.”

“Well, Itchy and Scratchy are gone, but here’s a cartoon that tries to make learning fun! [groans] Stay tuned, we’ve got some really good toy commercials coming up- I swear!”

“Hey kids, look what you can win in the Krusty sweepstakes!”
[Opens an oversized gift box to reveal a zombified Sideshow Mel]
[Cut to a “please stand by” card with a drawing of an inebriated cameraman]
“To enter, all you have to do is send me your parents’ brains! Or, write ‘Parents’ Brains’ on a 3x5 card and send it to…”

“Tonight I’m going to suck! Your blood!”

48

Sorry for the confusion, folks, but I’ve merged all three Simpsons Quote threads into one massive collection. We should really stick to one Simpsons thread at a time.

49

Grandpa Simpson:

Marge: Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it
Grandpa: I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.
Moe Syzlak:

Moe: They think they’re so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Renee (Moe’s girlfriend): Really, you think I’m gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well the parts that are showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.
Renee: You don’t talk to a lot of women do you?
Ralph Wiggum:

Ralph: That’s my swingset, and that’s my sandbox. I’m not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
Bart: Right, the leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
Chief Wiggum:

Chief Wiggum: How do you like that, it’s also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purpose of gambling.

Wiggum: I’d like to help you ma’am, but, heh heh, I’m afraid there’s no law against mailing threatening letters.

Chief Wiggum on phone: Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my god! He’s dead?
Chief Wiggum: Oh, I’m sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused. (hangs up phone)
Woman walks in: My name is Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband was DUI?
Chief Wiggum: Uh… talk to one of those officers over there. I’m going to lunch.
Principal Skinner:

Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Skinner: For Privacy’s sake, lets call her Lisa S…Wait thats to ovious. How about L Simpson?

Principal Skinner: That’s two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Sideshow Bob:

Well, if it isn’t my arch-nemesis Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I’m fairly indifferent.

Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That’s why I did this: to protect you from yourselves. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a city to run.
Judge: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest.
Sideshow Bob: What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did.
Kent Brockman:

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn’t seem to matter now, so…the following people are gay…

Kent Brockman: … and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Kent Brockman: I’m Kent Brockman, on the eleven o’clock news tonight…a certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won’t tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sonny Storm.

50

Let us not forget Troy McClure’s favorite cologne: “Smellin’ of Troy”. :smiley:

51

Homer: I love legitimate theater.

52

[QUOTE=GuinastasiaKent Brockman:

Kent Brockman: Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. It doesn’t seem to matter now, so…the following people are gay…

Kent Brockman: … and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Kent Brockman: I’m Kent Brockman, on the eleven o’clock news tonight…a certain type of soft drink has been found to be lethal, we won’t tell you which one until after sports and the weather with Sonny Storm.[/QUOTE]

Tonite, all the residents of New Springfield will be taking GOLDEN SHOWERS!

What?

53

Random quotes:

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I’ve seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

Homer: [Looking at a globe map…country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! ‘You are gay.’

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you’re not wearing any pants?

Stage hand: Come on people, someone ordered the London Symphony Orchestra. Possibly while high… Cypress Hill, I’m looking in your direction.

Ralph:“This snowflake tastes like fish sticks.”

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them – as is my understanding …

Homer: Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman’s bottom? That’s right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don’t forget – we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

Homer: I want everyone to know that this is Ned Flanders… my friend!
Lenny: What did he say?
Carl: I dunno. Somethin’ about being gay.

Mark Hamill: Back off, you freakin’ dweebs!

Mark Hamill: Luke, be a Jedi tonight! Just be a Jedi tonight!
Mark Hamill & Chorus: Do it for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda.
Mark Hamill: Uh, and do it for Chewie and the Ewoks, and all the other puppets …
Mark Hamill & Chorus: Luke, be a Jedi tonight!

Tim Allen: Oh my god I killed Wilson! Looks like it’s back to jail for me! (stupid grunt)

Moe: Hi, my name’s Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, ‘hey you in the bushes.’

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie The Never Ending Story.

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Bart: Milhouse, what happened?! You were supposed to be watching the factory!
Milhouse: I was watchin’. First it started to fall over, then it fell over.

Lunch Lady Doris: More testicles mean more iron.

54

Homer: What’ve you got?
Street vendor: Crab juice or Mountain Dew.
Homer: Ewww… oh… ick… [shudders] I guess I’ll take the crab juice.

Homer: Oooooo, floor pie!

Marge: You know how I feel about fake kidnappings.
Homer: Still?!?

Bart: I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Lisa: Oooo, look, they’re strapping down Liza Minelli.

55

Bart: “All right, trash cookies! … Uh oh, I think I ate a dog food lid.”

56

Hijack: Different ep, I think – no I&S toon is available so Krusty shows something from Eastern Europe called “Qskrrdopizzzfhwsisk and Parasite” or something similar – two figures having a dialogue in some Slavic language while they flit about from one scene to the next, including one were they’re standing in a line with a bunch of defeated-looking men drawn in a 1950s style – at the end Krusty says, "What was that?!" Well, what was that? That is, of what was it a parody?

57

Just a spoof of dreary/artsy/incomprehensible European cinema, I assume; not any particular show.

58

I don’t think they’re making fun of anything specific. Wikipedia says the animation style may have been influenced by some Estonian material, but it’s just supposed to look like a cheap, decades-old Soviet knockoff of a Western hit.

59

WILLIE: I warned ye, Skinner! That chalk is the tool o’ the Devil!

60

Homer: “No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.”
“Lousy Smarch weather!”

A much more recent favorite of mine:
“Trust me Bart, it’s better walking in on both your parents than just one of them.”-Milhouse

And you can never get too much of the sign gags, like Sneed’s Feed and Seed (formerly Chuck’s).