The root of our problems

You know what the problem with this country is? Those damned kippers.

They’re the cause for all this crime and degeneracy! They’re lazy and dumb, who’s ever seen a kipper with a steady job? And ugly! You can always tell a kipper. The beady eyes, the strange nose, and the smell! Every damned one of 'em smells like he’s never even seen a shower. And they probably haven’t, even if they ever managed to steal one they’d be too stupid to know what it’s for!

They’re always in their little groups. They even all look the same! How can anyone tell them apart? They always gather together in the dark, probably thinking up some conspiracies against the rest of us. Their violent minds have no concept of good Christian morals. I’d be afraid of them if I didn’t know they were too dumb to get organized.

The only good kipper is one that’s been chopped up into litte pieces and fried!

Who’s with me? Fry the kippers!

How can one who is not kipper even claim to understand kipper cultural traditions and community values? Kippers have historically been segregated from the greater society and have been relegated to menial positions in the food industry. Only when kippers have received educational assistance and achieve prominence in industry and politics can we ever hope to understand kipper ethnicity. We can’t hope to tear down the walls that separate kippers from society as a whole until we acheive a greater integration of kippers. Do you think you know the kipper experience? I suggest we immediately implement kipper studies in all baccalaureate degree programs and urge the entertainment industry to develop more kipper programming.

The only good kipper is a fried kipper, indeed!

That’s typical kipper-loving talk!

As if it’s not enough that all they do is eat and breed, now you to spread their filth to our children!

Oh they’d love that. They could do the same old thing but now it’s sponsored by society. We’d be helping them destroy us because they’re not capable of doing it themselves! Is that what you want?

Well, I wouldn’t want MY daughter to date one!

“Damn you, Smiley Face!”

So much for winning one for the kipper…

Yer pal,

Hey now! My daughter watches Kipper every day on Nickelodeon. He seems nice enough. I don’t see anything wrong with…

Oh wait. You’re talking about kippers, aren’t you? Oops. Sorry.

I feel like showing the world how dumb I am.
What the hell is a kipper?
– Sylence

And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references.

kipper n. 1. a fish, esp. a herring, that has been cured by splitting, salting, drying and smoking. 2. a male salmon during or after the spawning season. –v.t. 3. to cure (herring, salmon, etc.) by splitting, salting, drying and smoking.

Your Official Cat Goddess since 10/20/99.

Semper Ubi Sub Ubi

Excuse me, but I think they prefer “aquatic-edible-Anglican”. Let’s see some sensitivity out there.

No. What have they ever done for me?

Kippers are our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.

The problem with kippers is the schools.
Overcrowded innercity schools.
Fix that problem and kippers can become productive members of society.

t lion

Yes, I cannot tell you how much it pains me to see those little kippers packed into their classrooms like sardines…

“That’s entertainment!” —Vlad the Impaler

Oh, so you’re gonna go pickin’ on the sardines now. You think kippers have had it rough! Yeah! Well it’s a no-brainer - we can slam the sardines - nobody’s in their corner.

Do you realize what they’ve lost to anchovies as regards their ethnic identity? It’s horrific!

Well, I took a kipper out to see a movie and I didn’t have to pay to get him in.

I dated a kipper for six months during my college years. Man, they are ANIMALS in the sack!


Dirty Devil: And kippers are never seen drinking cappucino in Italian restaurants with oriental women. Yeah.


Nah. Too easy.

Livin’ on Tums, Vitamin E and Rogaine

Kippers, kippers,
Roly-poly kippers.
Kippers, Kippers,
Eat them up. Yum!

Fry me kipper, I’ll be back for breakfast.

It only hurts when I laugh.