knocks and enters office Shouldn’t that be 19:00 SIR.Clicks heels and leaves
Keith
See also the SDMB Legion of Honor.
I was going to apply for the Lackey position, but I’m not short. 
So I’ll go for the sexy, busty, alluring, innocent-looking secret agent. I already have a great pseudonym :D, plus I’m a crack shot with a gun. I could be described as a ‘bitch’, but ‘raving bitch’ fits me better.
I look awesome in formal attire, can run in five inch heels, have experience in most forms of gambling, and know that the proper way to eat asparagus is with your fingers. I SCUBA dive, ski, ride horses and can drive a stick.
I would prefer to be an assasin but, alas, my kisses are not deadly. However, according to my husband, after a few years with me, you may wish you were dead. It you see fit to torture anyone to death, I will gladly take that as a side job…providing you pay time and a half, of course.
At your service,
Sue
Sir, I hate to report this but Wally has been seen consorting with the enemy. give fancy hand salute and leaves
Keith
My fellow usurpers:
At the bidding of Lexicon, the supreme leader of our organization, I bring forth this Cheese, and this Beer for your revelry.
::sets various cheese dips on the table, all gourmet in quality::
::Motions for the imported beer trucks to back slowly into the gathering hall::
Our master has given me express permission to allow you to begin the festivities. Your only charge is to come up with one nefarious scheme. No excuses shall be accepted.
The next hiring cycle shall begin soon, as I must attend to a fiendish plot that I have brewing.
Mr. Cynical
:An awesome blanket of absolute perverse darkness falls over the Legion of Doom HQ. Everything is silent. All hearts miss one life-giving beat. Tendrils of fear and loathing snake up the spine of all present. A sudden atmosphere of hatred and vengeance becomes palpable. From the void of the abyss, a rich cello voice echos forth:
"Greeting, Lexicon and Legion! I despise you - each and every one. Nothing more than a rag-tag high school clique! Everything you stand for is a sham; a twisted, hollow mimic of human emotion and relations. You have been a boil on the ass of this board for far too long!
I am the Destroyer; the Breaker of Souls; the Writer of Words; the Wearer of Socks; the Eater of Small Pieces of Chocolate; and I WILL annihilate you all."
I assume the position of Arch-Nemesis is still open?
Samurai: The Arch-Nemesis position appears to be filled by SingleDad, who reeks of goodness, honor, and all things frilly.
However, please consider rethinking your standpoint on the Legions of Doom©. There are several positions still open for placement. Salary, is as before, DOE.
Do your part to confound our foes.
Turkey Legs at Amusement Parks
Any use in this organization for a sweet, perky, eternally optimistic cutie-pie? Or should I just go check with SingleDad?
Sunshine:
You’ll have to get with the bossman on that one. Of course, in my limited scope, I could find a place for you.
there is one very critical post which has not been filled. Chief of Security!!!
Someone needs to watch everyone, and trust no one. Someone who is not only ruthless, and unscrupulous, but also has absolute disgust for anyone who gets close to the Evil Overlord, and would do anything to prevent the demise of the Legion from within. I am that someone. I will watch all, report all, and have mercy for none!
So have I got the job? I can start right away! From now on anyone who wants to get close to Overlord must be strip searched by me! I’ll start with all of the Sexy, busty, alluring, innocent looking secret agents!
Sili
ahem
MC, I respectfully request that you review my application above. Thank you. 
SILENCE!
SingleDad is a liberal eunuch! He is opposing the forces of Doom in the name of “Honor”. Silly man. How does one fight with a non-existent weapon? One might as well invade China with sarcasm.
I am the purveyor of filth and decay and do not challenge you because you are evil. . .but because you are not evil ENOUGH! You are after world domination; I am calling for the extinction of the human race and the eventual destruction of the very planet. You eat fell meats; I eat fell meats sopped with evil gravy with a side salad of nefarious greens. You break the will of good men; I break it and then proceed to jump up and down on the little pieces.
If I am refused my rightful title once more I shall be forced to cry. But they will be tears of the most evil, putrid water, I assure you.
Another reason I would be a good sexy, busty, alluring, innocent-looking secret agent:
My real name is Doll, Kara Doll.
Our all-powerful master, Lexicon, shall return shortly to review my decisions on hiring procedures. Although an evil empire, we are still required to fill out federal taxpayer forms, at least untill we overthrow this puny government.
In the meantime, show your pennance.
Got it, infiltrate ALF.
Incidentally, I’ve also begun an attempt to infiltrate the Legion of Honor. Hope you don’t mind. I’m shooting for a position in their security department, so I’ll get chances to steal Top Secret documents and files.
Where the hell is Papa John’s anyhow??
I’ve been squeelin’ tires and sprayin’ gravel all day and all I can find are these corn-founded Pizza Huts !!
Oy!
Sweet Basil
I must bring to The Legion’s attention that SingleDad is advertising for a superhero over in the Legion of Honor thread. There is no counterpart position currently available here. You know, of course, what that creates. A superhero gap! (Even worse than a basselope gap!) I thus offer my services as resident Magneto-Type Super Villain With His Own Agenda.
I shall meet with Agents of Doom on beetling, windswept crags overlooking an angry sea (the better for cape billowing and whatnot). I shall gaze through narrowed eyes at all I survey, my head lifted in chilly haughtiness. I shall heap scorn upon, and knock hell out of, whatever do-gooding pantywaist those misguided souls in the other thread dragoon into their futile crusade. I shall stand mightily with arms crossed over out-thrust chest whenever possible. I shall shout things like, “My power is beyond your comprehension!” and “Fool! Reap now what by your folly you have sown!” I shall not wear tights.
Should my offer be found acceptable, I may be reached by direct video link in my mountain fortress.
do you need an evil squirrel mascot?? can i be it?? i have rabies if it helps
I could be Sergeant Quake, or a Shock Trooper.
This fool who calls himself my adversary is not worthy. I am far too occupied with a worthy foe, the insidious SingleDad. Gods blast and damn he, for such-a-one as he has a vocabulary on par with my own.
His powers of political and corporate non- and double-speak rival my own.
This I find this most distressing.
Lackey, fix me a latte.
This self styled “drunken ronin” poses no threat to a being such as myself. Our organization is much to wealthy, numerous, and above all, right to even worry about this upstart.
As far as organization goes, I would like to announce that we have some new members…
I now have someone who can clean the halls, and solve most perplexing problems.
He is the janitor, and is very myserious and intriguing. Observe his name tag, it proclaims him Myron.
Sue Duhnym is our newest sexy busty alluring man hating secret agent. She is going to woo this Sake Samurai and bring me his spleen in a martini glass that I might eat it as an olive.
I am Jacks seething medula oblongata.
Tradesilicon has inadvertantly applied for the posistion of bouncer. We shall see just how nasty he can be, as my bouncer must be totally devoid of soul when it comes to kickin’ ass. Is that a James Brown album I see? Get rid of it, you must have no soul.
Sunshine- Alack, alay, I am at a loss for words. Would that Wally were here to advise me of the correct course of action. On the one hand I must afford you a posistion within our ranks. On the other, I cannot bear to have one such as you infesting my presence with your eternally upbeat and perky nuances and panache.
Therefore, if you must join us, you will be required to subit yourself to the delicate ministrations of Swimming Riddles and her assistant struuter.
The results of their attentions shall turn you into a creature of darkness that will make Wednesday Addams look like a white kitten in a pink bow with a boob job.
And now, the momeny you have all been waiting for…
The one...
The dreaded...
The only...
The feared...
**SILO**
Sergeant Quake, you shall unleash our Legions of Terror upon the world, sowing much decay and disruption in your stinkin wake of ruthless rape, murder, pillage and atrocity.
Leave no stone unturned, no Starbucks unburned.
I want GAP employees to walk with the fear of cowed prison bithces.
I want there to be fear.
And loathing.
And dread.
And legend.
And Fire and brimstone and sulfur and sweat and above all
TERROR!
<Throws head back, opens wide>
MWAH-HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA–AAAA!
Go now, my teeming millions, my Hordes of Terror. Plague the world of those who oppose us.
Incorporate those who are of like mind into our fold.
And pick up my dry cleaning will you? I need my ascot by thursday and I fear my lackey is scrubbing toilets at present.
My schedule is in disarray without Shadowfox, I’m afraid.
Now, Number One, link up with the cave hovel of one “Lux Fiat” and expertly negotiate his contract to bring his services into my employ.
Make it so, Engage, and so on.
NOW THEN,
<sits on throne of Infernal Darkness, Chaotic Reason, and Eternal Sadness>
I ahall explain some of our rules…
Now.
1.My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will
be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6.I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them.
7.When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on
second thought I’ll shoot him then say “No.”
8.After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks’ time during which the final
phase of my plan will be carried out.
9.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”. The
big red button marked “Do Not Push” will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not
clearly be labelled as such.
10.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum – a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show
they pose no threat.
12.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The
announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15.I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches
117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16.I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
17.When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in
time.
19.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero’s rugged countenance and she’d betray her own father.
20.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it’s too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more
attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21.I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like
Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way – even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator
and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless – my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line
“No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!” (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25.No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually
inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will
think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will
always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and
abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or
romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33.I won’t require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly,
outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell
door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37.If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he’s my trusted lieutenant.
38.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow
up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching
keys happens to follow him around.
43.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly
betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the
other guy a sporting chance.
45.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my
weapon, point it at him, say “And here is the price for failure,” then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46.If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.
47.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come
after me for revenge.
49.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something
else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50.My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess’ cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less
people-oriented position.
52.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might
not know about.
53.If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.
54.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions
that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56.My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner’s manual.
58.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used.
Note: this also applies to passwords.
61.If my advisors ask “Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?”, I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible
tunnels at predictable intervals.
64.I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65.If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control
Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then
subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time
only. If they want me to spare them again, they’d better save my life again.
69.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned
in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears
mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71.If I decide to test a lieutenant’s loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the
answer is no.
72.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable
superweapon on them.
73.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk
“Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75.I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of
a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77.If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my
current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78.I will not tell my Legions of Terror “And he must be taken alive!” The command will be “And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.”
79.If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition
commemorative coins.
80.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and
closer to my fortress.
81.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will
drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83.If I’m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to
decide whether or not to switch with him.
84.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. “Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the
moment of total eclipse.” Instead it will be more along the lines of “Push the button.”
86.I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89.After I captures the hero’s superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is
unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90.I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might
actually be important.
92.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil
ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in
this regard.)
93.If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it’s an
emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the
door, not vice versa.
97.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if
circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent
occasions when they are saving each others’ lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99.Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not
altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.