The silly married name game

Let’s play the silly married name game. You marry off Person A to Person B, resulting in a silly new name for one of them. The rules are:

  1. They must be real people, not fictional characters.
  2. They can come from different periods of history. We’ll lend 'em a time machine.
  3. You can pair up people of the same sex, even if they don’t/didn’t lean that way in real life.

I’ll start:
If Robin Givens married Peter Graves, she’d be Robin Graves.
Your turn.

If Tuesday Weld married the son of Frederic March, she’d be Tuesday March the Second! [/Fozzie Bear]

If Eddie Rabbitt married Bonnie Tyler, she would be Bonnie Rabbitt.

If the Bride of Frankenstein divorced her current husband and remarried magician Jeff McBride, she would be the Bride of McBride.

If Madonna married Liberace, they still wouldn’t have a last name.

If Wanda Sykes married Robert Hughes, divorced him and married Henry Kissinger, she’d be Wanda Hughes Kissinger now.

If Oprah Winfrey dumped Graham Steadman and married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If O.J. married Homer…

One of my friends told me about someone she was at school with. This girl hated her surname of Whiteleg. So she got married. Now she’s traded Whiteleg for Sidebottom. I kid you not.

If the star of Kill Bill married the author of The Three Musketeers, she’d be Uma Dumas.

If Anna Paquin married Eric Bana, divorced him, and remarried Salvatore Bonanno…but hyphenated her name…she’d be Anna Bana-Bonanno.


Okay, I spent almost an hour trying to work this out and now I think I have it:

If Uma Thurman married former tennis player Hernan Gumy, she’d be Uma Gumy.

I hope a Pink Floyd fan reads that.


If Parker Posey married Bob Barker she’d be PARKER BARKER.

If Maria Conchita Alonso married Buckminster Fuller then upon discovering he was dead married Topher Grace, she’d be MARIA FULLER GRACE.

If Marie Osmond married Haley Joel Osment and then Ozzie Osborne she’d be Marie Osmond Osment Osborne. If she adopted Tony Perkins’s son Osgood (as she is want to do) he’d be Osgood Osmond Osment Osborne.

If Clay Aiken married some body builder named Terry Back, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

If Mike Hunt married Clay Aiken, he’d be Mike Hunt Aiken.

Then she could marry Charles Osgood.

If OpalCat from these boards married my favorite Israeli actor she’d be Opal Topol.

If the greatest actress in the history of France married Gary Hart and divorced him for George Burns she’d go from being Sarah Bernhardt to Sarah Hart-Burns.

If Iceland’s most famous singer married an unsuccessful Supreme Court nominee and upon his death married the least popular Monkee she’d be Bjork Bork Tork.

If Princess Leia’s portrayer married an often married CNN interviewer and they made their home at 704 Houser Street she’d be Carrie Fisher King of Queens.

Then if she marries a TV alien, and divorces him to marry Prince Andrew of the UK, that would makes her Bjork Bork Tork Mork from Ork, Duchess of York.

If the oldest of the Beverly Hillbillies married the actor who played Barney Fyfe, she’s be Granny Knotts.

If Popeye’s girlfriend married the ex-husband of the lead singer of Jefferson Starship, she’s be Olive Oyl Slick.

If British singer Dusty Springfield married Dr. Gregory House, she’d be Dusty House.

If the lead actress in the original Broadway production of The Music Man married the Shepard from Firefly, she’d be Barbara Cook Book.

If the character Barbara Cook played married an Arnold Schwarzenegger character, then worked as a dominatrix at night while caring for sick animals during the day and joining a local service club, she’s be Marian the Barbarian Disciplinarian Veterinarian Rotarian (ex-librarian).


Stolen from Rip Taylor…

If Rich Little married Pia Zadora she’d be Pia Little.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader she’d be Ella Vader (against the rules, but part of the routine)

If Totie fields married Truman Capote, she’d be Totie Capote.

if Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she’d be Kitty Twitty.
my own lame one- if Peter Cushing married Whoopi Goldberg, she’d be Whoopi Cushing.

If Tea Leoni married Pol Pot, she’d be Tea Pot.