Damn, you got to it before me!
Saturday night I had lobster and steak. And I had to feed some to the gnome, because he was threatening to join the GGLF. I think that when he’s sleeping tonight he’ll meet with a bit of an “axe to the head.” I don’t want to, but it’s gotta be done, SPCGG be damned.
Does that mean you’ll only hit him with the axe a bit, or you’ll only hit him with a bit of the axe? Be specific, here!
If I had a garden gnome, I would most likely perform experiments on it and get into lots of trouble with the Society. I would make my gnome listen to Celine Dion on a walkman at full volume, over and over. I would test mascara on its eyelashes
to see if anything mutates. I would feed it nothing but orange food (a la Billy Bob Thornton). Along the lines of BBT, I would make it smoke cigarettes non-stop. I would send my gnome to a Scientology meeting and have it sit next to Mr. Cruise.
I would invite Mormon missionaries over and have them work on my gnome. The only thing I wouldn’t do is make my gnome sit outside in the 115 degree weather.
I don’t hate gnomes. Really. I just like to play around with them until they CRACK.
In other important news, I am walking (tentatively) without a walker. Some of you may be saying, it’s about damn time/hasn’t it been 5 weeks - and to that I say you go have someone saw off your femur head and ram a titanium rod down into the bone, and see how you like it. I am proud of each and every little step I take, especially the steps to the freezer where ice cream is hidden.
Yay for the walking without a walker thing beckwall! The ice cream now lives in fear. 
I don’t own any gnomes. I do have a cement dog sculpture at the pool. And a metal dog sculpture. And a metal frog sculpture. And a cement bear sculpture. And some little cement bunnies. They guard the pool. Actually the dog metal sculpture looks like he’s about to pee on the Aztec grass. Lots of people comment on that. ACBG swears there’s a couple more of those little cement bunnies everytime he looks. That’s ok that he thinks so. I like em a little crazy. Makes me seem so much more normal.
Today’s weather: Hot. Humid. Hazy. AKA July Hot!
Oh, yippy-skippy. Now we have red dust headed our way from Africa. :rolleyes: It’s not like we don’t have enough of our own dust here. Has anyone been to the beach lately? 
I mean c’mon, it’s bad enough the dogs track sand into the house, now I gotta deal with red dust? 
So I wasn’t too sure what bucolic meant either, so I went and looked it up. Well, I didn’t go anywhere, I just opened a new window and googled it. Google has a nifty little ‘definition’ link you can click (it’s so nifty it’s almost jake), so I clicked it, 'cause I’m all daring with my clicks like that. Turns out it isn’t some sort of chest disease or a really pissed off baby like I thought.
However, the google ‘definition’ thinger also translates the word into a bunch of laguages for you, like:
中国话 (Simplified Chinese)
adj. - 牧羊的, 田园风味的, 牧歌的
or
עברית (Hebrew)
adj. - כפרי, קשור לחיי הכפר, קשור לרועים
My first post with non-English stuff in it. I’m so proud.
You’d rather have an African hurricane instead?
OK people, we have an important Life Lesson here:
Try not to break the rules. They are there for a reason. Sometimes it’s a good reason and sometimes it’s a bad reason, you don’t know, so just be good.
And if you really need to break the rules don’t tell anyone about it. Especially the people whose job it is to enforce the rules.
And don’t cross the beams.
What a minute, I thought crossing the beams was a good thing?
Yeah, I now know what word to never use in an MMP post. Even if I get lightingtool to give it to me in another language.
We’ve tried to keep gnomes, but, they either run away, or our chain-saw bear eats them.
Of course, they could have been intimidated by the talented Flamingo family, that graced our yard for many seasons.
They were, Max, Shirley, and their kids, Chip and Sylvia.
They would do skits in the yard to entertain passers-by. They started with Max as Santa and Shirley as a reindeer.
They did the Easter thing, with Shirley as the Bunny, Max as a helper bunny and the kids, just babies then, as Easter eggs.
They hung out in the yard in their vacation clothes after their European tour. That was the year Sylvia went through her period of angst, reading her namesake, S. Plath. She also carried around a copy of Emily Dickenson poems for a while.
But, kids grow up, and parents grow old.
When the kids went off to college, mom and dad retired to Florida, to be with their living relatives.
I heard that Max lost some weight and was seen hanging out in South Beach. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear Shirley dumped his cheatin’ ass. I caught once him in the garbage with a barely fledgling crow. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t changed his evil ways.
Chip is still here. Hel lives in the basement.
He dropped out of college, couldn’t find a job, too lazy to live on the street and didn’t want word to get back to mom and dad, so he moved back in. What can I say?
Sylvia now works for Boeing. She stowed away on Hubby’s truck, right after she graduated.
Her degree is in Obscure and Depressing Literature. There’s not much of a market for that, since she’s too short to teach.
I’m not sure what exactly she does there now. She was the fire dept’s look out at first. She hung out in the grass along the lake to intimidate the Canada Geese.
When the fire dept. moved into new quarters, she went with them.
She’d hide in the one square foot patch of weeds just outside the station door, and sound the alarm if management showed up.
One day she was gone. Hubby feared she’d been captured by managment and tortured, made to look like an industrial accident.
He later saw her on the high steel in the paint hanger. She was there for a while, then he saw her outside one of the “dog houses” near the runway. He thinks she may be at the Everett plant now.
Did it occur to you he was hiding from the GGLF? Maybe he just doesn’t want to join the military.
I just read something that made me so happy, I need to share it.
At lunch, while perusing my new copy of *The Werewolf Book*, I discovered that by far the easiest means of becoming a werewolf is simply to be born on Christmas Eve.
No way, thinks I. I* was born on Christmas Eve! I’m a werewolf! Awesome!*
And I thought that tetchiness around the full moon was just PMS. 
I may have this made into a poster and post it in the break room at work. Heck, if folks would follow it, I’d never have to hear from whiny staff again! Mostly I sorta say, just stay in your office and behave but that doesn’t seem to work.
That’s all I got for now.
Hmmm, my gnomes have mysteriously migrated from the flowerbed to the cheesy plastic patio table. I have to admit I’m not a very good “gnome caretaker”, because, well…I really didn’t want them. They were a birthday gift from my mother, so I had to put them in the garden so I didn’t hurt her feelings. Maybe I should be taking my gnomes’ feelings into account as well. So far, I haven’t received any nasty-grams from the various gnome organizations, so I guess I haven’t committed any serious gnome crimes, yet.
The weather is sunny and gorgeous. I stayed home today because I just didn’t feel well, and I was making way too many trips to the bathroom to be of any use at work. 'Nuff said there, I think.
We spent the entire weekend on the boat, and I am definitely getting darker, although my back is slightly pink. The water was almost like bath water so it made for a nice cooling off whenever we parked the boat and just wanted to paddle around in the water.
I wish I could have gone to work today. I know, I know, that’s just crazy talk, but I have yet another project hanging over my head, and it’s due tomorrow afternoon. I’m going slightly crazy because I just want it done and I know it’s going to take me some time to get it done.
This weekend’s menu consisted of BBQ’d chicken breasts, rice, and salad on Saturday night. Last night we had grilled pork steaks and mac and cheese. I was just too damn tired from the day’s cavorting on the boat to much effort into cooking. The pork steaks were very yummy though.
scout, are you excited about your upcoming trip? Hopefully, the weather will cooperate and you’ll get to see the mountains in all their glory. Usually, the first two weeks of August have the nicest weather though.
Next week I start my two week vacation. Woo-hoo! I am SO looking forward to it! I really need a break.
I have yet to decide. I’ll keep you posted on the Axe vs Gnome situation.
Ah yes. Garden Cnomes.
My friends are trying to sell their house, and buy a larger one out in the country so that the kids and grandkids can move in. Then there will be up to four working adults supporting the household. Sounds like a good idea, if gas prices don’t rise too high and kill their commute.
However…
They haven’t yet sold their existing house, and they’re getting a little antsy about it. They did an amazing job fixing the place up–everything from repairing the foundation wall to painting the ceilings–and they’ve had lots of showings… but… no-one’s nibbled.
I blame the Garden Gnome in the flowerbed next to the entrance. On first glance it looks quite normal, but then you look closer, and yuo see that it’s apparently taking a great and satisfying whizz in the daisies. You look closer again, and you see that it’s really swinging a golf club.
But it’s first impressions that count. How many potential buyers have had slight feelings of unease upon entering the house, I wonder, unease caused by seeing the apparently-micturating gnone out of the corner of their eyes? And how many buyers have passed on the oppurtunity because of those feelings?
Not that swinging a gold club is necessarily a bad thing… as we know by this thread, garden gnomes are the natural enemy of smurfs. That golf club is simply part of a good defensive perimeter.
By the way, isn’t a gnomon the pointy thing in the middle of a sundial? What would happen if you used a gnome as a gnomon?
Same here. NOT normal for Ottawa, we’ve been having a heat wave for the last few weeks. I’m glad we have air-conditioning (although I never seem to be able to get an air-conditioned bus to and from work). I’m NOT looking forward to my hydro bill, though, unless it’s like the previous one*.
*Was checking my financial records, realized that it was almost four months since my last electrical utility payment (normally billed every two months), couldn’t find the bill anywhere in my files, decided to wait a few days as the next one was due soon, opened it very cautiously, expecting an amount in the range of $500, found a small credit balance and a note apologing for a billing error last year.
Wow! I just previewed and posting is sure fast and furious!
I can’t speak for other potential home-buyers, but a garden gnome taking a whizz in the flowerbed would be the exact opposite of a dealbreaker for me.
Yep! Although I really need to buckle down and decide what I really want to do while we’re in Seattle. All we know for sure is that we’re going to meet up with two friends. There’s other stuff on my list, but it needs to get fleshed out a bit.
It is so hot here! 93 this minute, according to WeatherBug. I spent all day Saturday sweltering at General Butler State Park (scene of Rue’s trip to the Kentucky Scottish Weekend.) Every year I get together with friends from high school. Well, every year for the past five years I do. We had a wonderful, if hot, time.
Just not the ‘hot times’ we used to have, unfortunately!
In other news, it’s hot here. That’s all I got.
We don’t have any gnomen, because a) we don’t have a garden, and 2) Gnomen really aren’t The Thing around here. If we got any kind of tacky yard decorations at all, it’d have to be those Pink Flamingo thingies, and since I’m pretty sure CurrentDog would attack and eat Pink Flamingo Thingies, we have no Tacky Yard Decorations at all. Well, unless you count DogDad and me, and the Tractor Tire that’s serving as a Strawberry Bed Boundary. But that’s it.
We went geocaching for about two hours this weekend until it got just too dang hot to think, then we went home. I acquired an Inner Ear Infection sometime over the weekend. I am Not Happy, and plan on spending the evening sulking with a heating pad over my ear.