The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Garden Gnomen

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This weekend I was served papers by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Garden Gnomen. I didn’t even know such an organization existed. I figured you wanted a garden gnome and you did a little research into which kinds of garden gnomen are available, then you decided which garden gnome is right for you, then you think a little about if said garden gnome would fit into your lifestyle, and if it does you go get yourself a garden gnome and leave it in the backyard. (I’d prefer to leave it in the front yard, or even the side yard, but someone had different ideas on proper gnome placement.)

As it turns out, this is not the way to go. Not if you want to stay on the good side of the SPCGG. And believe me, you do.

Your average, domesticated Garden Gnome, that most noble of all landscaping decoration, has certain needs that must be met. A certain amount of air must waft around his little concrete head. A certain amount of light must glance of his smiling visage. A garden gnome must be treated with kindness and respect. If not, the SPCGG comes down on you like a ton of bricks! (Then the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bricks goes after the SPCGG. It’s the Circle of Life, people.)

When I finally got my garden gnome earlier this spring I thought I was prepared. I had a flower bed just for the little guy. It was a very nice flower bed and it was all his. No competition for attention and all the sun basking he could want. And he got to be in the middle of a planting of marigolds! What could be better than that? All was well.

Then the marigolds really started to grow.

When they got up to his knee, I thought things were settling in nicely. It was looking like a very pretty marigold garden with a gnome protector. It was bucolic as all get out. (I think. I’m not 100% sure exactly what “bucolic” means. But I think it has something to do with plants and it’s generally considered good.)

When the marigolds grew up to my gnome’s hip it looked even better. Marigold plants were really starting to fill in the bed and choke out the weeds. No more weeding for me! (Like I ever did any weeding to start with.)

When the marigolds started to grow up to the gnomes lantern I thought “Uh oh! I’d better do something about this.” (My gnome is holding a lantern up in his right hand.) Then the marigolds were up to his shoulder. Then his head was hidden. Then, before I knew it, only the tip of his jaunty concrete hat was showing.

That’s when the trouble began.

I woke up to find a note from the SPCGG taped to my front door. It said… a lot of things. It was hard to read though because whoever wrote out the note was pushing really hard on the crayons and the words sorta smudged together. But I think it said my gnome wasn’t getting sufficient light and air. Like I was ashamed of my gnome. That would be bad for his self-esteem, and if I didn’t address the issue posthaste (Have you ever seen the term “posthaste” written in green crayon? It’s surreal) steps would be taken to rectify (“rectify” in crayon is funny too) the matter.

Well, something had to be done and it had to be done soon! I didn’t want trouble with the SPCGG! (Would you?)

So I went over to the Little Woman’s wildflower bed and stole out one of the extra landscaping blocks and put in in my marigolds where the gnome went. Now he can stand up and proudly survey his domain. It seemed to make him happy.

Good thing the SPCGG didn’t find my gnome fighting pit. Their heads would have probably exploded.
-Rue.

2

I think the politically correct term is actually “gnoperson.”

3

I think Gnomes are gay.

Ever see a female gnome?

No wonder all the Gnomes look constipated. They suffer from DSB: Dreaded Sperm Build Up and became Gay Gardeners Guardians.

4

Mr. Anachi’s marigolds aren’t doing too well. He was a little busy last week so wasn’t able to tend them lovingly like he normally does. I know he’s probably wondering why I haven’t be tending them lovingly but I don’t want to get a note from the SPCH (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Husbands) and have been tending him lovingly instead. He’s on his own today since I had to come back to work for at least part of the day. Billing’s gotta be done. Ain’t no getting around it. :frowning:

Tupug

5

Gnome fights? I’d love to see a gnome fight! Rue you need to go back to the concrete and gnome place and buy a proper pedestal for your gnome. Then the SPCGG would be happy cause what could be better than a gnome on a pedestal? Where will the gnome stay when it gets cold? Does it have a winter home? You might want to begin planning. A little foresight will keep the SPCGG off your back.

It has been waaaaaay hot here. Everyday the heat index has been around 110F, which means temps have been 98F-100F. Course I don’t mind so much. I have a nice air conditioned house and a pool. Plus I am a summer baby so I like summer. Yesterday afternoon the pool was really warm. The water temperature was 84F when I checked it at 3PM. That’s warm for pool water. Especially for non heated pool water. Still it felt good.

My dinner party went off f-aaaaaa-bu-lous-ly Friday night. We had grilled chicken breasts, corn on the cob, butter beans, steamed squash and broccoli, marinated carrots, homemade bread, a wonderful green salad with madarin oranges, walnuts and a citrus vinegarette dressing, and chocolate cake. Everything was tres yummy. Oh and we had spinach dip with bread to dip with and black bean and cheddar dip with those little scoopy corn chips. Also, beer, wine and iced tea. Much merry was made. ACBG remains impressed with my ability to pull off a dinner party for 12. Heck, when everybody brings stuff it ain’t nuttin. Wait til New Year’s when I feel the need to feed a traditional New Year’s Day dinner to anywhere from 12 to 20 people. He’s already witnessed that. He learned the best way to “help out” is to stay the heck outta the way. And go get ice. He’s a good ice fetcher. He also makes good cheese cake but I think I already told everybody about that.

Saturday and yesterday were all about lounging in the pool and quaffing adult libations. Plus I grilled some burgers.

This Friday afternoon, we are closing down early and everybody is coming out to the swampcave for the annual staff pool party. That’s always fun. We do lots of munchie type food. I’m gonna make BelZ’s 'Knock You Nekkid" margaritas. The great thing is, everybody comes out early so we can play in the pool all afternoon then by around six PM everybody is leaving cause they gotta go home to families and such. So, I don’t gotta put up with folks all night long. Friday is also my birthday. FCM sent me a cool ecard this weekend. That made me feel real good. I’m also relieved because since the chandelier is gone I don’t fear any mysterious packages showing up at my house. :smiley:

6

Shirley, it’s about damned time you came to play with the MMPers.

7

They aren’t the ones you need to worry about. The ones to look out for are the militant [Garden Gnome Liberation Front.](Garden Gnome Liberation Front) I only wish I was kidding. You can read more about them here. If you do a Google search for the GGLF you will find even more news stories.

I believe that the SPCGG is a more PC (a.k.a. touchie-feely) splinter faction of the GGLF. Many of you may not know this but I’m my neighborhood’s leading authority on the various factions of the GGLF. I belive there to be some connection between France’s GGLF and Rue’s SPCGG possibly involving 7 time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong. Which of course would make his girlfriend Cheryl Crow and 2nd place finisher, Italy’s Ivan Basso accomplices. I haven’t decifered all the various factions histories and members yet. Currently I am working through connections in Italy’s MALAG (Independent Movement for the Liberation of the Garden Gnomes) to confirm my suspicions. Don’t worry Rue, I’m all over this. Tell Jerome (the Gnome) he done good.

8

Well, I’m certainly glad I don’t have any gnomes to worry about! Cats are enough trouble.

My weekend was very good. Lots of nice, sunny weather. My back is all pink except for the outline of the bikini ties (nice sexy little bikini). :smiley: I didn’t mean to get QUITE that much sun, but at least now people should stop saying “you’re so fair-skinned.” No, I’m not, I’ve just been stuck inside way too much. Instead, now I’m all nice and lightly brown. (Well, with the exception of my pink back.)

I wish we had 80+ degree water around here like **swampy **does! The water was way too cold for swimming yesterday. I stayed in for <5 minutes! But at least I got to go swimming so it actually feels like summertime now.

Lotsa good food this weekend too. Stuffed peppers and balsamic roasted pork loin and spicy Asian noodles and fresh sweet corn and couscous with zucchini and red peppers. Not all at once though. That was spread out over the whole weekend. And there’re lotsa leftovers for lunch this week.

9

I think I need a gnome. He wouldn’t be a Garden Gnome, though, 'cause I don’t actually have a garden. He’d be a Balcony with a Window Box Gnome, protecting my herbs and the two sunflowers that might bloom someday. My grampa’s a farmer, and I can’t grow cat grass. For shame. Maybe a gnome would bring the Great Garden Mojo to my balcony.

But I think I’d try to find a transvestite gnome and give him a little skirt–because I’m progressive like that.

This weekend, I put together fifty invitations for the bridal shower that will precede Hell’s Wedding (with directions to the location, registry information and little recipe cards that make the erroneous assumption that the bride will someday learn to cook), only I forgot to buy stamps. Guess what I’m doing at lunchtime today?

Then, my best friend and I had an impromptu John Waters Film Festival–the director’s cut of Cry-Baby came out a couple weeks ago, and when we were done with that, we absolutely had to go down to Blockbuster and pick up Hairspray (alas, there were no available copies of Pecker, so the film festival was rather short). I also rented Kinsey, which was very good, but it made me rather sad, as I was reminded that my recent sexual history required a lot of batteries. And I rented Cursed, which was surprisingly good–I really didn’t expect it to be.

And yesterday I pretended to clean for about an hour, during which I actually just moved piles of crap from location to location while dancing around my apartment.

10

Yes I have seen a female gnome. Or at least a man-gnome in drag.

The Sibs got my brother-in-law a pair of gnomen (the proper pluralization, PCness be damned!) for Christmas on year. (Because he likes gnomen? No way! Because my sister (his wife) really hates concretia.) A man gnome and his wife gnome.

My brother-in-law had his gnomen proudly standing to either side of the fireplace. Until my sister “accidentally” knocked the man gnome over while she was sweeping. Lady gnome had to go live waaaaaay out back to live after that. Not quite in the creek, but not anywhere you could see her from the house.

And I don’t think my sister ever got a note from the SPCGG.

It’s just not fair.

11

I gotta ask: Since garden gnomes are made of concrete, do they get woodies?

12

ooh! you could make a lot of money if you manufactured and sold window box gnomes! what a cute idea!

and come to think of it, I’ve seen female gnomes as well. They usually wear dutch hats, have chubby cheeks and big smiles, and often have Pippi Longstocking braids (only blonde)

13

Hmm. As a redhead, I would like to take this opportunity to lodge a formal complaint regarding blonde-only garden gnowomen. :slight_smile:

14

Diamond cutters.

15

My gnome just sleeps on the balcony rail all the time. Nothing in the flower boxes grow up high enough to prevent him from doing his gnomely duty (which, as far as I can tell, is sleep. And recline. I got me a lazy gnome, it seems.)

Made some chicken with Spanish Rice yesterday for late lunch, with a steamed mixed vegetable medley (squash, zucchini and carrots) for vitamins and roughage. The night before we went to the Silver Diner after the girlfriend got home from work. She had a big burger with bacon (had been craving one all day, but did she get the cooks in the kitchen to make her one, at 1/3 the price? No.) Otherwise, it was a pretty standrad boring weekend.

16

Draelin, tell it to the SPCGG (who are the national branch of the international Illumingnomi–Madd Maxx would confirm this, if he weren’t part of the conspiracy).

Rue, it is probably because it all happened in the house. Behind closed doors. And now the lady gnome is in hiding.

Of course, now that you know, you might want to rectify that situation…in crayon.

17

And I’m sure that they’re rock-hard.

Rue, what, exactly, does the SPCB dump on the SPCGG? Garden gnomen?

18

I want to make breakfast, but I’m on a cooking ban.

apparently food has calories. I was not aware of this (<–lie)

I wonder if it’s just baking or other cooking as well. I can see where cake would be a no-no calories-wise, but breakfast is already a meal. Maybe they’ll let me make dinner.

Damn you, baking ban! Cleaning is nowhere near as fun of a way to spend nervous energy!

19

We have little tiny garden gnome sets at work. That’s probably a lot more cruel- they’re boxed up and can’t breathe, poor things. They’re right next to the bonsai potato kits.

The guy who wanted to argue with me (as per last week’s MMP) wa sbuying a copy of The Da Vinci Code, therefore the argument. I’m sure he went home and complained about uppity store clerks.

I recited Ulysses for my co-worker last night, because he’d never heard it before. The Tennyson poem, not the whole Iliad. I’m not sure he wanted to hear it, but I figure it was culturally enriching for him.
Mr. Lissar is taking today (tomorrow? Tuesday) off. He’s got a mild fever and feels crappy.

20

Apparently that’s not the only ban.

Ha! Oh, I kill me.