Microsoft word seems to think that more commas are better. Whats up with M$ anyway? Ooooh… shiny…
Where were we? Oh, yes, bottlecaps…
That’s right, bottlecaps! You should keep those away from children. You never know what they will put in their mouths. I once shallowed a chickenbone as a wee lad.
On the subject of word usage:
There are two types of people in the world in my mind. Those who’d like to have used the future pluperfect in a sentence and those who wouldn’t. Or haven’t.
Speaking of the world in my mind, sometimes I like to amuse myself by making up soap operas involving people at work I don’t really know. Like that guy in shipping and receiving and that girl who takes over the front desk when the receptionist is at lunch – they’re having the most wicked affair! (And under her clothes… she’s wearing a camel burger thong.)
Speaking of thongs, Rosie O’Donnell wears them. The only celebs-and-their-underwear factoid I would more like to Roto-Rooter from my brain is that Meredith Viera doesn’t wear panties at all.
My ex-boyfriend’s best friend was dating a girl named Meredith. She was cute, but boy was she dumb. I’ve never really understood how a perky pair of knockers can compensate for having no brains.
I only have one knocker. On my front door. Sometimes people use it after pressing the doorbell button for a while and receiving no response. That’s because our doorbell does not work. The knocker does, though.
Both my knockers finally work. The milk production was slow to begin with, but this morning I got a huge pumping. The left knocker’s still a little lower on production, though.
Speaking of milk, I’m kinda ticked off. Here I’ve been drinking whole milk my entire life, and I just found out last week that 1% tastes exactly the same. Same goes for regular Pepsi and Pepsi One.
There you are glibly talking about milk, when you’re not addressing the real issue, which is that handguns are killing more Americans every year than are being killed by choking on the screw top on gallon bottles and suffocating on the plastic lining of milk cartons combined.
I will never understand warning labels, like “Don’t use this bag as a toy.” Although my favorite is the label on the bottom of the tiramus (that’s not ever close to the right spelling) that says “Keep rightside up.”
Speaking of tiramisu, why aren’t there any really good Italian sweets? Biscotti is just nasty – unless you’re still teething, I guess.
I had the most incredible cannoli once. Every cannoli since then has been a disappointment, yet I continue to seek a repeat of that mouth full of ecstacy. The great cannoli came from some little place in Mexico City.
Speaking of coops, do you know why a chicken coop only has two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
I have a door. I use it to keep out all the men from Cannol that want to come give me a mouth full of ecstacy. It also has a peep hole but that’s useless because I’m just really not into that kinda stuff.
The only proper way to eat marshmallow peeps is as follows:
Holding the peep about a foot in front of your face carefully on top of your fingertips, bounce the peep up and down and make cute, high-pitched “peep!” noises. Imagine the peep is a real live cute-as-a-button baby chick. As soon as you can almost believe it’s a real baby chick, suddenly make a loud GRRRRR noise and CHOMP its head off with one snap of your jaws.
Now chew politely and swallow. Wasn’t that fun?
Funny you should mention high-pitched noises. The ATM here at work (not to be confused with the ATMB, which doesn’t really exist here at work, but that’s a story for another thread, which has already pretty much run its course, so we won’t worry about that right now) must’ve broke recently, because they installed a new one. Now, every ATM I’ve ever used had one thing in common (well, actually, they had many things in common, most of all the creamy filling of cash)…you hit a button, the machine goes “beep!”.
But not this new one.
Nope, you hit a button on this new ATM, and it goes “ba-deep!” For some unknown reason, they switched the standard, one-tone “beep” with this odd, two-tone “ba-deep!”. Strange, and just a bit annoying.
Plastic! Don’t get me started on plastic! It’s everywhere. It never decays, it just builds up in landfills and whatnot and pollutes the water.
Did you know that a baby wearing a plastic-coated disposable diaper is 46.9% more likely to get diaper rash?
We should use more natural materials like good old cotton diapers. And supermarkets should use good old brown paper bags, like in the old days.
Speaking of good old brown paper bags, and this is a true story mind you, as I was watching one of our buses pull up to the middle school this morning to pick up a few students, a girl got off the bus to vomit. Now this girl was headed to the elementary school, so she had to get back on the bus even though she was getting sick. Poor girl was just standing in the grass letting it all out, so to speak.
Well what do you do in a situation like this if you are a bus driver? You grab an old reliable brown paper bag of course, and put the kid back on the bus with the proper instructions.
Another crisis averted thanks to the incredibly versatile brown paper bag!
I mean, brown just isn’t a very cool color. I always end up looking like I’m trying to blend in with something if I wear it, so I pretty much keep my distance.
I’ve found that wearing blue, black, and a little bit of green every now and again is the best combination to ensure bona fide “chick magnet” status. Rrroar.