No, I didn’t. But it was resurrected. And I’m happy to be one person who is not to jumping on the “that was a masterful rant” bandwagon.
I take it that you’re in the biz as well, kevja?
I am curious about something. How often does the average American receive a telemarketing call, and, how aggressive are the sales pitches? I can’t fathom how much hatred some posters feel towards telemarketers, but that’s because I rarely receive telemarketing calls, and they always let me go as soon as I say no thanks. I’ve only ever had problems on two occasions: about 6 years ago I couldn’t get a local portrait studio to stop calling, and once a few years ago a telemarketer kept trying to push a newspaper subscription on me after I had firmly said no. Perhaps I’m the exception, but I don’t really care about telemarketing. It’s a job like any other crummy job, and the occasional phone solicitation doesn’t bother me.
I work in a call centre (customer service, not sales) so now I think I mind telemarketers even less because I have to sit in front of a computer and talk on the telephone all day every day myself. Most people are friendly, but I deal with a lot of abuse too, and I’m not even a telemarketer.
I’m a telefundraiser, and I was calling on behalf of the World Wildlife Fund today. All this week, actually. Tough campaign! I say that not to garner sympathy, since there is none to be had. But I think it’s interesting to note that of all the campaigns I’ve called in my short tenure – public television, public radio, Sierra Club, California Parks, San Francisco ballet – the World Wildlife Fund has provoked the most hang-ups right after I identify the organization I’m calling for. I wonder why that is.
This old hag told me to go to hell tonight. In fact, the guy who told me to drop dead on my first day was old, too. Conclusion? Old people suck!
plain_jane: Well, I only really went off on a telemarketer once. The phone rings, and it’s this recorded voice. “I have an important message for you, but all our operators are busy.” Foolish me, I think it’s actually an important message, and I stay on the line for a good five minutes before I get to find out it’s a sales pitch. I’m a little pissed, so I just hang up on the other person.
Half an hour later, I get the same call. And again an hour later. For the next four or five months, I get these calls regularly. Not every day, but when I do get them, I get about five in one day. Of course, I didn’t know about “Do Not Call” lists. At the time, I didn’t have a cordless phone, so I had to get up and go into another room to answer the phone. This was really annoying. But I just hand up the phone as soon as I heard that damn voice, “I have an important message for you…”
Over time, the calls came more and more often. Finally, on one day, they’re calling literally every fifteen minutes. After a good dozen calls, I stay on the line, wait on hold a few minutes, and start screaming as soon as I hear a live human voice. I don’t remember what I said, but the fuckers never called me again.
That was an exceptional case, though. 99% of the time, I say, “Sorry, not interested, please put me on your do not call list.” and they say “Okay, goodbye.” Well, and there was the one guy who called me a douche. Usually, I’m polite. Every now and then, though, you find one who needs to be chopped into little bits and boiled in acid.
Followup note: As a result of this thread, Claudia VonL gave up telemarketing to enter a nunnery. She interrupts dinners no more.
And speaking of revivals - always good to see the most superb roasting and spitting in Pit history back for an encore. Truly a masterpiece.
“Good grace”? Good grief.
Of course good grace, Jackmanii. How else would you describe Claudia’s reaction?
I mean, besides as the actions of a
Witness:
This is the first post I’ve ever read in the Pit, and I fear that by starting with this, I’ve set myself up for a lifetime of Pit-reading disappointment…
People are mad that they sued the wrestlers and won.
Cervaise, I have contacted the Pulitzer people. They should be in touch with you regarding your prize very soon.
<--------------Giggling and wishing desparately for a something snappy to add. Alas, everyone else has beaten me to it.
This is almost as funny as Scylla’s “The Horror of Blimps”. (when you add in everyone’s comments and replies).
I’m in awe Cervaise… I don’t even know what to say. At the very least, you’re a pit demi-god. I’d even venture to say you’re a minor deity.
Are you offering courses?
:smack:
I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out who’s been calling and hanging-up on my phone at MINIMUM 3 times a day for about the last two months. sigh I’m really not blonde, I swear!
We also, sadly, get an absolute ton of telemarketing calls. I just either hang up on the rare occasions I answer the phone, or far more usual, screen all my calls, no muss no fuss, delete the marketing messages once a day.
Cervaise…your post was so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
Er…I blame ending up in this thread and bumping it without looking at the date on a lack of sleep, having about 27 windows open at once so I have a bunch of stuff to read when the board recycles soon, following this link to that link to that site without paying attention… and…um…I’m not blonde? 
It’s alive! The thread’s alive!!! (But still really damn funny.)
My temp agency called me recently and asked if I would be willing to take a short telephone marketing gig. I had specifically told them when I registered that I didn’t want any telephoning jobs and so I balked, but as they assured me it was only calling corporate clients already signed up with the organisation in question (and as I hadn’t gotten any other work from them in a long time) I said yes.
So I show up for work and guess what I’m doing? Cold-calling businesses. Out of the frickin’ Yellow Pages. Thanks very much, <temp agency deleted>.
Despite being told to essentially start at the beginning and work through, after talking to about the twentieth self-employed accountant I said “Fuck it” and started skipping to businesses which were most likely to want the product I was pushing. My success rate skyrocketed. After a day and half, they decided I was doing so well I could start calling people’s homes.
I quit on the spot.
Somehow I don’t think I’ll be getting much work from that agency again, but at least I’ve done my bit by refusing to make the world a more annoying place.
How appropriate to have this bumped, considering the recent court decision.
(Yes, the OP is still a masterpiece.)
The beauty of the pitting was nearly eclipsed by the OP and the mind numbing thought process that spawned it, harty applause all around.
Great to reread this again. Somehow, the perfectness of the rant never diminishes in the rereading. And the timing really is perfect, considering the court decision.
A brilliant rant is always a thing of beauty.
I recently read the OP on OpalCat’s Page O’ Flames, and I must say that I nearly wept with joy.
Simply amazing.
First time I’ve read this, but I must say the sheer brilliance and genius of the OP is terrifying. Please, OG, don’t EVER let me do anything to piss off Cervaise.