I don’t know. Maybe to make it more plausible that they could all fit in the asteroid? Maybe to ensure Generic Astronaut and his formerly mute love could not be together? Heck if I know.
I enjoy the episode, but damn, the movie is boring. Oddly, though, they really rush through some sequences where other films would apply padding - the rocket mission prep and launch, et cetera.
I just had a cool Aztec-coincidence. Brad Pitts 2001 movie The Mexican is playing on TBS and who do I spot playing “Big Car Thief #4?” No other than Vadinho! Yes, from **Puma Man ** to The Mexican. What a fulfilling career.
Puma Man has been watched, and I’ve got my notes, I just haven’t had time to write them in yet. But soon!
**MST3K 9.03 - Puma Man **
Sort of a semi-unique episode for me - one of the few (three, I think) Sci-Fi episodes that I had not seen in its entirety prior to this project.
Intro : Servo’s wearing Lifts to feel taller. Pearl’s throwing a ball at Castle Forrester, but Brain Guy’s less formal party proves to be a bigger hit.
Exposition hits us, hard and heavy - there were these aliens, see, and one of them came to Earth and fathered the first Puma Man, protector of… stuff. The aliens tool around in a giant spherical spaceship (Tom : “Christmas ornaments - of the Gods!”) and leave behind a techno-mystical mask that allows for mind control. A vapid blonde pretending to be an archaeologist is studying that mask, at the behest of Donald Pleasance, when we join the present day. When she discovers the technoligcal innards of the object, Donald hits her with the mind-whammy. Based on her translation of the mask’s inscriptions, Donald and his pal go on a murder spree, trying to kill the current generation’s Puma Man. I assume they have some sort of selection process as to who might be candidates for the job, but they pretty much just murder random people.
It is then that we meet our hero, who apparently works in a natural history museum. He’s thrown out of a window by a mysterious Aztec, and survives. He’s cornered by the Aztec - who then vanishes. While looking around for the guy, he meets the vapid blonde, and sets up a dinner date. Then the mysterious Aztec returns, and tells him of his destiny as the Puma Man. Apparently, the window thing was a test. I’m guessing there are a lot of flat non-Puma men out there. The Aztec tries to give him a totemic belt of power, but our hero’s just not having it.
Host Segment : Mike wants to emulate the ‘dry’ hair look of the hero, but ticks off his nanite hairdresser, and she takes it too far.
The dinner date turns out to be a trap - Pleasance has his goons interrupt an intimate moment between the blonde and our hero, but he manages to handle them and make his escape - only to get stuck on a roof. Just like a cat. Fortunately, the Aztec is on hand, and tosses him the belt, which magically generates a costume, and he instantly knows how to fly… poorly. He makes a getaway, and the crooks follow him, so he stops at a construction site to grab one of them - he doesn’t get much useful out of the interrogation, though - Donald seems to mindwipe people to keep them from revealing the location of his secret HQ. He then joins the Aztec fella at his warehouse / home.
Host Segment : Crow and Tom try to recruit Mike as Colossamundi Man, but he’s not interested.
Puma Man learns to teleport through hyperspace - just one of his many puma powers. He borrows a locator device form a friend - then has to rescue the Aztec from assailants (which is odd, as it’s usually the other way around in this movie), and then he finds the blonde, and plants the device on her car. He manages to find Donald’s lair just as he’s managed to mind control a set of world leaders at a summit, and there’s a big fight scene - kinda. Mainly, he bounces off Donald’s forcefield and gets semi-mind controlled. He fights it well enough to escape, though, but his powers are shut off by the mind control.
Host Segment : Tom and Crow use an Aztec mask to control the mind of folk singer Roger Whittaker.
Puma Man manages to fool Donald’s goons into thinking him dead - meanwhile, the Aztec guy goes off to do the real heroing, with bombs strapped to his body, suicide-style. He even manages to resist the mind control effect, and start wrecking Donald’s mansion. As Mike and the bots note, he’s pretty much the real hero. However, once he breaks the mind control focus used for controlling Puma Man, our ‘hero’ comes frolicking in to ‘save the day’. Puma Man does get to be the one who takes down Donald, though, by way of a thrilling final fight in a helicopter.
Then the aliens show up and reclaim the mask, and the Aztec. Crow, upset, resigns from the SOL.
Finale : Crow resigns, but immediately returns. Roger Whittaker shows up to save Pearl’s party, but would rather try Brain Guy’s.
Signature Riffs :
<Crow> (as Hero, studying designs) “Who am I kidding? I can’t build a cat.”
<Tom> “I hate it when Axtecs force their way into your hotel room and force you to try on belts…”
<Mike, as Donald> “My name is Pleasance, and I am funky.”
<Crow> “The world’s most persistent belt salesman!”
<Mike> “He has the power to rear-project major cities!”
<Crow> “Soundtrack by my little brother’s Casio.”
<Mike> “This is a test … of the audience’s patience.”
Next : 9.04 - Werewolf
I think my favorite riff in that one is when Tony puts on the belt and is suddenly wearing the goofy costume. The way Crow laughs as Vadinho is hilarious.
“<<laughing>> No no, you look great!”
That and the riffs on the puma-theme song.
Nitpick: it’s coatimundi.
Great episode. But Werewolf (up next) is a classic.
The superhero outfit with the khaki pants just kills me. Why? They finally found a sillier look than spandex. And why must they pronounce puma like pyooma? That drives me nuts. I know these are not the movie’s biggest problems, but they’re my biggest problems with the movie.
And thanks lots, btw…I’ve got the song going through my head now: “Poo…ma man…he flies like a moron…”
I wondered if it was some real thing. I couldn’t quite make it out clearly. Thanks!
While we’re waiting…I just happened to catch a bit of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea on AMC…and the character of Sparks, the radioman looked incredibly familiar – both the voice and the face. Finally, it came to me! It was Bill (“you’ve been hittin’ the booze agin, Ev”) Easton, from Giant Spider Invasion! In a *real *movie!!
He was also the Klingon judge in Star Trek VI. Another MSt appearance for him was as one of the witch-hunting mob in Touch of Satan.
**MST3K 9.04 - Werewolf **
Ouch. One of the more recent of the films tackled on MST3K, Werewolf is pretty painful. I am going to abbreviate the “action” descriptions, folks - I know people like the longer format, but it makes these enough of a chore that I avoid doing them.
Intro : Mike thinks he’s James Lipton; Mike attempts escape but is foiled by a conjured cannon, courtesy of Observer.
We open on an archaeological dig… somewhere. The diggers are Native American, but everyone else in the movie has a random accent, so it’s hard to say. An unusual skeleton is uncovered, and one of the guys in charge of the dig, Yuri, gets into a fight with one of the diggers, causing the digger to slice open his arm on the skeleton. The werewolf-like skeleton is viewed with suspicion by the natives, while Yuri and partner Noel see more profit potential. Our third ‘archaeologist’, Natalie, seems more dubious. There is much talk of Werewolves or Skinwalkers, called Yanaglatchi. The digger who was cut begins to ail, and Yuri’s curiosity leads him to sneak into the hospital and take a blood sample. Shortly after, the digger wolfs out and breaks free of the hospital - but his escape is short-lived, cut down by his fellow diggers with silver bullets.
Host Segment : Based on Joe Estevez’s minor role in the movie, Mike and the Bots discuss which celebrity relatives they’d put in a Werewolf movie. Like Chip Hitler.
We finally meet our main character, Paul Niles, and the wacky groundskeeper of his newly-moved-in house in Arizona. Paul gets to a party and meets Natalie, and Yuri leaves the party in a huff and infects an innocent security guard with the digger’s wolfy blood… ultimately causing the guard to transform on his drive home and crash his car.
Host Segment : Where, O Werewolf song.
Natalie shows Paul the skeleton, but Yuri arrives and explodes in rage as is usual for him - Paul gets slammed into the skeleton, cutting his shoulder. The rest of this section of the movie is Paul’s transformation and largely unsuccessful werewolf attacks. I think he successfully kills, like, one girl.
Host Segment : Mike becomes a Were-Crow.
Yuri spots Paul wolfing out, and conspires with Noel to capture Paul and put him on display - but Natalie takes exception in her own mumble-mouthed way, and tries to warn Paul. Caretaker Sam is attacked by Paul, but survives, Natalie and Yuri arrive at Paul’s house, they all run out into the desert, and Paul kills Yuri. Yay! He was kind of a jerk. And, apparently, at some point, Natalie becomes a Werewolf too to spend time with Paul.
Fin : Mike’s transformation into a WereCrow is complete. Bobo botches Pearl’s werewolf-induction experiment - bringing a cocker spaniel, instead of a wolf.
Signature Riffs:
(re: title)
<Tom> “I don’t know, you had him last!”
(re : Joe Estevez)
<Crow> “One of the lesser Estevezes.”
(re : fistfight)
<Crow> “This is a production of Roadhouse in the Park.”
<Noel> “Skinwalker.”
<Mike, as Noel> “Texas Skinranger.”
(re : skeleton)
<Mike> “It’s Crow T. Werewolf!”
<Crow> “Hey!”
(re : caretaker)
<Crow> “Dictator for Life : Santa.”
<Mike> “An American Werewolf in Traffic.”
<Tom> “Ah, great. A random citizen that can kick a werewolf’s ass.”
<Crow, as Natalie> “Paul, you is a wur-wilf!”
Next : 9.05 - The Deadly Bees
Your post was incradibul.
Pauls first transformation was particularly funny. The night outside/day inside mistake and Pauls over the top acting were just too much. Although as a Wurwilf it’s not surprising to see him chewing the scenery.
It’s been noted that due to rather snazzy hologram box art, Werewolf rented pretty well at video stores. I just imagine that there were no repeat rentings.
Has anyone already commented that The Island is a direct rip-off of the MST3K fav, Parts: The Clonus Horror?
Only Parts was better…
Been there. Done that.
:gunshot: “Ow.”
The closing credits, where Mike & the bots sing songs that match the rhythm of the drumming & chanting on the soundtrack, is freakin’ brilliant.
I think this was a good amount of description. Enough to jog my memory and keep all the bad movies from blending together, but not so much that you want to jump out the window. Nice!
Geez, only 22 more episodes to go and then this epic thread is over. Bummer.
It was just getting to be a bear - between deciphering my notes, and typing it in, it was taking me a solid fifteen minutes to get it all in the post. I guess my note-taking skills are lacking. 
The part I enjoy most is the quotes, anyway…
MST3K 9.05 - The Deadly Bees
Woo, the British invasion continues.
Intro : ‘Previously on the SOL’; Observer’s Observant brethren show up to try and reclaim him.
A mysterious man is ranting, via letter, to some British agency, about his deadly bees. Quite incongruously, we next meet a young British pop tart - er, singer - named Vicki. Her agent has pushed her to the breaking point and when she collapses of exhaustion, her doctor sends her to a out-of-season British island bed and breakfast place. Which is run by Mr. Hargrove, a Beekeeper! (cue ominous music) And his chainsmoking, cranky old hag of a wife. The other relevant person on the island is a rival beekeeper (Manfred), who could not possibly be the deadly bee guy, because the first one is so cranky that he MUST be the culprit.
Host Segment : Crow loves Mrs. Hargrove, the Beekeper’s wife, and recites a sonnet for her.
Well, Vicki immediately starts to snoop in the finest “film” fatale tradition. She sees Hargrove up to all sorts of suspicious things, and confides in Manfred. Who can’t possibly be the bad guy. Which is good, because Mrs. Hargrove and her dog managed to be attacked and killed by killer bees, after coming into contact with an ordinary bucket, over the next few minutes.
Host Segment : Tom is raising Wood Ticks, and Crow, lice. Observer packs and sings, but Pearl and Bobo persuade him to stay.
An inquest is held into Mrs. Hargrove’s death, which is ruled accidental. Manfred downloads a lot of exposition into Vicki’s brain, and has her do some more directed snooping on Hargrove - sneaking some pictures of documents from Hargrove’s desk. Shortly after turning them over, Vicki is attacked in her room by bees, and narrowly survives, by shutting herself in the bathroom and lighting a rug on fire. She blames Hargrove, but is too weakened to effectively escape the house.
Host Segment : Mike as a Bee, attempts motion-based communication.
Vicki finally escapes to Manfred’s place, and Manfred goes to get her things from Hargrove. While he’s gone, Vicki discovers a few things that make her suspicious of Manfred - and when he returns, he confirms her suspicions over tea. There’s a lengthy flashback and he explains that he’s set Hargrove up to die as well. He’s mistaken, though, and Hargrove arrives in time to save Vicki from Manfred’s burning home (after Manfred’s hideously overwright death plan for Vicki backfires instantly.) Best vacation ever.
Finale : Visit by the bowler-hat guy from the movie; Observer battles his kin, and wins with a little cheating help from his Earth friends - banishing the other Observers, brainless, to Wisconsin.
Signature Riffs:
<Crow> “Christopher Robin decided on a diabolical plan to kill Pooh…”
(credits play as bees swarm)
<Crow> “They named every bee? This is gonna take forever.”
<Mike> There’s me, 1982.
<Tom> “Guys, just skip the music, go right to the heroin.”
<Mike> “Andy Capp, the Movie.”
<Hargrove, to Vicki> “You room’s through here…”
<Mike, as Hargrove> “…in my room.”
<Tom, as Hargrove, following an odd cut> “That’s what I would have seen, had I been there.”
<Mike> “Wow, look at her go. I didn’t realize cigarettes had so many vitamins.”
<Inquest Official> “Mr. Hargrove, would you take the chair, please?”
<Tom, as Hargrove> “Don’t you need it for the rest of the inquest?”
<Crow> “Hey, it’s Nondescript Spice!”
(Hargrove runs up to Manfred’s burning house)
<Crow, as Hargrove> “Well, Vicki must be here.”
Next : 9.06 - The Space Children