The Unending Torture of The Lost Dog Joke

Ok. Look. Many many years ago, when I was a swinging bachelorette, I took a trip to Denver with my paramour. We were armed with a bucket full of chex mix, a dodge intrepid and the VERY BEST TALKING DOG JOKE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Every person we met in Denver was treated to the talking dog joke, and every one of them doubled over in laughter, claiming it was the finest talking dog joke they’d ever heard, if not the best joke PERIOD.

On our last day there…we went to a cafe where the table tops were made of slate and you could doodle on them with chalk. our waiter asked us to write out the dog joke so he could remember it.

In what can only be described as a supernatural event…as soon as I wrote that joke down…I forgot it. Not even on the way home from Colorado could I remember anything except the Dog Could Talk.

It has tortured me ever since. Every time someone tells a talking dog joke I get my hopes up, only to have them dashed.

My question to the SDMB is…do you know my missing talking dog joke? If you do…I’ll come to where ever you are and do whatever you ask…including but not limited to…scrubbing your tub grout.


Woof woof.

“I should have said DiMaggio?”

What is the difference between a desk?

Was it the race horse/plow horse story?? Cracks me up every time I hear it…

A dog walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender tells him it’ll be $3.75. The dog grudgingly gives him the money and starts drinking his beer.
“We don’t get many talking dogs around here.”
“At these prices I can see why.”

Sweet jesus. That’s not it…but lord that’s funny.

it’s something similar to the dimaggio joke, but not that. It’s something where he gets kicked out of the bar…GOD! It’s making me crazy.


A man takes his dog over to his neighbor’s house. Neighbor opens the door and says hi.

“I’ll sell you my talking dog for $5.”

“Yeah, right. He can’t talk.”

Dog says, “Please take me. He abuses me and doesn’t feed me. I used to perform for kings and now I’m stuck here.”

The man’s taken aback. “Wow! Why would sell a dog like this for only $5?”

“I’m tired of his lies.”

…geez, there’s nothing quite so embarassing as laughing so hard, I lost control of my bodily functions and let rip a thunderous fart simultaneously.

Thanks, Aglarond…this’ll be making the rounds at work fer shure…

Aglarond! I have to run this past my husband…but something in my gut tells me that a slight variation on this joke IS IN FACT THE LONG LOST DOG JOKE! OH MY LORD! I’m sweating, I’m flushed. I think my discs just slipped back into place and I lost fifteen pounds!

This truly IS the age of Aquarius!


There’s also the variant where the guy went over with his dog AND his cat and sold the dog. Another friend asked why so cheap.

 "Why only $5?"

  "The dog can't talk. The cat is a ventriloquist."

I can only think of one of these off hand. This is a paraphrase, by the way, since I don’t feel like typing it all up. A dog goes into a bar in the old west and orders a whiskey. He’s then told that they don’t serve dogs. This goes on 3 or 4 times and finally some guy in the back stands up, pulls out a gun and tells him to leave. The dog doesn’t, so he shoots him in the foot. The next day the dog comes back carrying a gun and says, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”

I’ll see what else I can come up with.

I don’t get it.

The guy means the dog was lying about having performed for kings, and about being abused. That’s the punch line. As for whether you believe the the dog or the man, well, there is the expression “lie like a dog”–but we weren’t told whether the man liked to fish…:wink:

I really like the “At these prices I can see why.” That’s perfect. :smiley:

This is kind of hazy… so:

A guy walks in ton a bar and bets the bartender 50$ that his dog can talk. The bartender, of course, agrees. The guy says, “What’s the oppposite of smooth?” The dog say “Ruff.”

The bartender starts to get angry. The guy asks, “What is on the outside of a tree?” The dog says, “Bark!” The bartender gets really angry.

[there was a third line here, answered with “Woof!”, somehow"]

The bartender gets really pissed off, and throws them out back. The dog turns to his owner, and says “Good job, dumbass”

so whut?

An old race dog and a young rookie race dog are at the bar having a few drinks. And the old one is giving the young one pointers on improving his race.

“You see,” he says, “I find that eating a can of beans before I get out on the track gives me that extra boost I need to get over the finish line in a tight race.” The young rookie nods and says “I see, I see…”

Then a horse comes up and taps the old dog on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says politely, “but were you just giving advice on running races? Well, I’m a race horse, and if you don’t mind, I would just love to sit in on your conversation. It could be quite fascinating.”

The old dog looks at him and says “Horses can’t talk.”

I know, I know, you’ve all heard it before. But now you’ve read it again and THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!!! PWAH HAH HAH HAH HAAAAAAAHHH…

the lies joke was funny as hell. much funnier than this one.


  • ThisYearsGirl, in another thread*
    **Re: Why do men have to know the size of their penis?

Hmm. There seems to be an emerging trend.

ThisYearsGirl dear, are you being a naughty girl? Are you saying this repeatedly even when you do get the joke, just to watch people flatten out the amusement through explanation, and get themselves confused in the process?

Or did I just arrive on a bad week?

In any case, I may start saying this myself, if you don’t mind…

Now, back to dog jokes.

actually, I’m not sure that [BOLD]I[/BOLD] get it. It appears to be a reference to cars making up for penis insecurities, but somehow that just seems too complicated to be funny.

Or maybe it wasn’t really a very funny joke to begin with?

Third question, what do you find on top of a house?

I like the lies one too. :slight_smile:

Here’s another one:

A bloke and his dog walk into a pub and sit down at the bar. It’s so quiet that they are the only customers, so the bar tender starts up a conversation. “Mate, that’s a pretty good looking dog you got there.”

“Yeah, he’s also very clever too. All I have to do is give him some instructions and he will go off and do the job perfectly.”

“You mean like fetch the paper and shit like that?”

“No, I mean really detailed stuff, like sending him out do shopping.”


“Alright then, I’ll prove it. Here’s $20 that says he will do as I ask.”

The bartender jumps at the idea of a surefire bet, “OK, you’re on!”

The drimker turns arounds and yells, “Dog! Get up here!”

The dog jumps up onto the bar stoll and says “Yes Boss?”

“You remember the shop around the corner?”

“Yes Boss.”

“I want you to take this $20, nip round to the shop and buy me todays paper.”

“OK Boss.” The dog trotts off out the door, with the bar tender standing there open-mouthed.

But the dog doesn’t come back. After waiting for almost an hour the bloke says to the barman, “Looks like you won $20. I’d better go and see what he’s up to.”

So he walks out of the pub, around the corner to the shop, and notices an alley way alongside the shop with a queue of dogs lined up. “I wonder…” he thinks, and walks up the alley and around the corner at the end, to find his dog making double-decker dogs with a bitch in heat.

He yells “You little bastard, you’ve never done this to me before!”

And the dog says “I’ve never had the money before.”