The Unending Torture of The Lost Dog Joke

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I remember this one from a Warner Brothers cartoon. The third line is:
Man:“Who was the greatest baseball player of all time”
Dog:“Ruth”
Bartender throws them out. Then the dog says to the man, “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio”.
The joke I am thinking of is very cloudy. Something about a man who has a purebred dog who he is trying to use for breeding, but never will have sex with any female dogs. The owner decides to get rid of him so he gives him a bone and $20 and sends him away. A little while later the dog is seen getting it on with a female dog in an alley. The ex-owner says “Rover, how come you never did this before?” and the dog replies “because I never had $20 before”.

I probably totally screwed that joke up.

22

Sigh.

I’m gonna hate myself for doing this, but anyway …

The reason a guy has to know the size of his penis, in regards to a height restriction in a parking garage, is because if he has an erection while in the garage his penis will be too large to fit. See? It’s a roundabout way of saying he has a large penis. [Foghorn Leghorn voice] It’s a JOKE, son. Whassamatta, boy, you got wax in your ears? [/Foghorn Leghorn voice]

Geez. Next you’ll be asking me why I always leave the bottom button of my vest unbuttoned.

23

why do you always leave the the bottom button of your vest unbuttoned? :wink:

24

Just in case.

25

Thank you very much. I just shot Dr. Pepper out through my nose. You owe me for a keyboard, mister :slight_smile:

26

No, I’m just a really dense individual–I’m just dumb, not naughty! I swear!
Seriously, jokes online never translate very well for me. At least half the time I see a joke online, I have to have someone explain it to me (of course, once they actually say it, I get it).
And I like Kyomara’s explanation of the penis joke best.

27

Originally posted by Kyomara

If it was before, it sure as hell isn’t now.

::sigh::

At least Sauron understands me…

28

Dunno if I’d go around bragging about that, though.

29

How do you get a dog to sound like a cat?
Freeze it and then cut it in two with a chainsaw.
“meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooow”

The councelor at the unemployment office goes into his office and sees a dog sitting on a chair. He chuckles to himself and says “uh huh. I guess you need some work, huh?”
The dog says “Well, yes, actually. I come from a long line of plumbers and I’ve been quite skilled in that area. Perhaps you have something like that available.”
The councelor stared in disbelief. “A talking dog! Wow! You could make millions! You could be a headliner at the circus!”
The dog cocked his head to one side and said “I don’t understand. What would the circus need with a plumber?”

30

A travelling ventriloquist breaks down on the side of a country road. He sees a grasshopper, and to pass the time while he waits for help, he practices his act.

“Hello, Mr. Grasshopper. How are you?” He voices in for the grasshopper “Great, thanks!”

Just then a shepherd wanders by with his sheep and sheepdog, and looks at him talking to the insect. The shepherd is clearly amazed, so the ventriloquist continues.

He asks the dog “How’s your master treat you, Mr. Dog?” and voices in for the dog “Oh, pretty good, he feeds me and I have a fun job.”

He asks the sheep “What’ve you been up to lately, Mr. Sheep?” And before he can continue the farmer blurts out “Don’t listen to him, that sheep’s a liar!”

31

[Latka]
There is dog. He went in bar. Man at bar give him drink. Dog give man three dollar and seventy-five cent. Where he get money? He is dog! Thenk you veddy much.
[/Latka]

32

Guy walks into a bar with a frog in his breast pocket. He sits at the bar, has a few drinks. An attracive young woman sits next to him and notices the frog.

“Gee, that’s a nice frog you’ve got there,” she says.

“Thanks, but this isn’t just any ordinary frog.”

“Really? What’s so special about it?”

The man leans close and whispers, “This frog, can eat pussy like nothing you’Ve ever seen before.”

“I don’t believe you,” the woman says.

“It’s true…come with me and I’ll show you.”

So they get a hotel room (this is obviously a woman with a taste for adventure), and the guy has the woman take off all her clothes, lie on the bed, and open her legs. Then he gently sets the frog on the bed between her legs. The frog sits there, expressionless (how else? it’s a frog), staring blankly at the woman’s genitals.

They wait a minute. Two minutes. Five minutes. The frog just sits there. The man nudges the frog a little bit, but still nothing happens. Finally the woman starts to get irritated. “What is this, some kind of bullshit joke?!” she says.

So the guy picks up the frog, looks him sternly in the eye and says “Alright you little shit, I’m gonna show you how to do this just ONE MORE TIME…”

33

How do you get a cat to sound like a dog?

Dip it in gasoline and then throw a match at it. It goes “WOOF.”

34

here’s one that always makes me smile.

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?”
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, “Anything else?”

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?”

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog’s neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”

The owner said, “He’s not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”

35

Now that someone has posted a joke with an animal other than a dog, here’s another…
A man goes into a pub with his pet octopus, sits down at the bar, and proclaims that his octopus is a maestro musician - you put a musical instrument in front of it, and it will play a tune.

naturally this draws out the skeptics, who invite the octopus to try out the piano in the corner. Bach, Beethoven, Mozart - No problem! So someone else grabs a guitar. Again, the octopus is a virtuoso. Jimmi Hendrix would have been impressed.

As people can find them, other instruments are produced: mouth organ, fiddle, drums, trumpet, saxaphone, harp etc.

Suddenly the barman has an idea. He goes down into the cellar and finds an old set of bagpipes, gives them a dust-off, brings them back up to the bar, and sits them down in front of the octopus.

The octopus is clearly stunned. After sitting there for a couple of minutes looking at the bagpipes, he gives them a prod with a tentacle and jumps back. Then he gives it another prod, and another, before picking up the bag and turning it over. Then he satrs trying to wrestle the bag pipes, grabbing several legs at once.

The barman is delighted, and says " What’s wrong with your octopus? Why can’t he play it?"

And the bloke says “Play it? As soons as he works out how to get them pyjamas off, he’s going to f*** it!”

36

A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits on the stool and lights up a cigarette, starts watching the game.

Bartender comes up and says,

“Hey there pal! you know we’ve got a drink named after you.”

Grasshopper says,

“Yeah? you got a drink named Steve?”
jarbaby

37

What a delightful thread. I opened it with considerable trepidation, because instead of thinking it was about a dog joke that was lost, I thought it was about a joke about a lost dog, and the unending torture reference had me anticipating it was the “Freeshow” joke. Which is not only really stupid, it was used in a Matt Groening cartoon, told just like kids would tell it. AWFUL!

Instead, I’m having giggles.

I’ve heard the grasshopper joke only it’s a white horse, and the bartender says they’ve got Scotch named after him. “You’ve got a Scotch named Eric?” Of course, if you don’t know Scotch, it ain’t funny.

38

ok …I’ve gotta post one more, then I’m done. I promise.

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation, and went home on

39

you can make a dog sound like a cat too!

Snap freeze it, then run it through a band-saw! ** MEEEEEOW**

40

Ok, can’t resist…
Man walks into bar.
Bartender notices small amphibian sitting on man’s shoulder.
“Oh, how cute!! what do you call him?”
“Tiny.”
“Why ‘Tiny’?”
“Because he’s my newt.”