The Wit and Wisdom of Grandpa Simpson

“SEEEX!! I had SEEEX!!!”

“And by the way, I never once washed my hands! That’s your policy, not mine!”

“Ehehehe…we are so old.”

Abe after sex with Vegas cocktail waitress:

Waitress: Oh no! We didn’t…

Abe: We almost didn’t but you wouldn’t take ‘I can’t’ for an answer.

On losing his Vegas wife:

“It hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There it goes…”

or something like that.

On losing his Vegas wife:

“It hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There it goes…”

or something like that.

(sorry for the double-post. computer problems)

[picks up condom wrapper on ground]
“Con-Dome”… “I’d love to live in one of those!”

“They may say she died of a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart…”

Ahem. It’s, “Lay… tex… con… do… Boy, I’d love to live in one of those!”

“I go into comas all the… zzzzz… French toast, please.”

Upon being asked why he thought he was recieving money for nothing, Grampa Simpson replies, “I just figured the democrats were back in office.”

For a sec, there, I thought your senility had kicked in.
Abe: I don’t know! (after being asked to explain how he could remove his underwear without taking off his pants)

I leave [as inheritance] these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and… hey! Where are you going?

… Anyway, about my washtub. I’d just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as… a walking bird. We’d always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we’d all watch football, which in those days was called “baseball”…

More Grandpa goodness

(As the crippled dog, with a vet’s collar around its neck, wheels itself around):

“The lamp’s escaping!”

During the “Nightmare on Elm Street” Treehouse of Terror episode:

Lisa: “It’s horrible! When we go to sleep, we never know if we’re going to wake up again!”

Abe: “Welcome to MY world! ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…”

In the Nightmare on Elm Street parody:

Bart (or Lisa): If we go to sleep, we might never wake up!
Grandpa: Welcome to my world!

“It’s cold out, and there are wolves after me!”

And to expand on Chicago Faucet, my favorite line in that scene:

Joe Friday Wanna-be: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile.
Grandpa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

“Helllllloooooo! You have my pills.”

The full joke for Guin:

Grampa Simpson: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What’s wrong with your wife?
Homer: Never mind, you wouldn’t understand.
Grampa Simpson: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa Simpson: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa Simpson: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa Simpson: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N – yes. But please, don’t you say that word!
Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What’s so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
another favorite:

Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat…
Grampa Simpson: Uh-oh!
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa Simpson: I sure hope so!

I can’t quote it exactly, but when Homer’s mother shows up again after however many years, Abe chews her out at great length for leaving him, abandoning their young son, etc., etc.

Immediately followed by: “Can we have sex?”

Homer: We leave you in charge of the kids for two hours, and the state takes them away?!
Grandpa: Bitch, bitch, bitch.

My all-time favorite Simpson quote is a Grandpa Simpson one:

“Call me mint jelly 'cause I’m on the lam!”

I have, unfortunately, forgotten the exact context, but Grandpa had done something wrong and was getting ready to hightail it out of town.

Grandpa (shouting): That toy is evil! EEEEEVIL!
Marge: Grandpa, you’ve said that about all the gifts.
Grandpa (meekly): I just want attention.