There's nothing wrong with me after all (very TMI)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I don’t mean for this to sound like a penthouse letter, so if it comes out that way, I assure you it wasn’t my intention. :o

In concept, receiving oral sex sounded very exciting. It sounded like it would feel really good. Imagine my disappointment the first time I got it, at 17. Not only was it not good at all, it was unpleasant enough for me to not really care for it at all for some time.

Then, during the cruise ship sexcapade, I had better oral sex from a woman who seemed to know what she was doing. I was comfortable enough with her to be able to talk about what felt good and what didn’t, and I had hoped that I had matured enough by then to maybe enjoy it more by someone who knew a little technique. While it certainly felt nice, it wasn’t the kind of stimulation that brought me to orgasm; it would feel good up to a certain point, then kind of plateu off and then start to tickle more than it felt good. While it was a nice gesture, it made me wonder if I simply couldn’t have an orgasm through oral sex. Actually, the only way I could was manually getting things going myself, then when I reached a certain point of arousal indicate I was ready. That worked, but it still wasn’t all that fun.

It seems like my own body has been condition to respond to my own hands, and so while I’m with a woman things don’t quite work the way I had hoped. At first this was mortifying and caused a lot of anxiety about sex in general. I kind of felt like some sort of eunich because even though I wanted sex very badly I couldn’t really enjoy it physically, which left me feeling kind of unfulfilled.

Then recently I started getting oral sex again. At first it was the same thing- couldn’t reach orgasm through oral sex alone; I had to build myself up to a point (and at that point even a mechanical chimpanzee could have made me orgasm) and the whole thing would last all of 3 seconds :frowning: Then one day we tried it again, and she initiated oral sex…and for the first time in my life it felt as good as I always imagined it would feel! I didn’t have to do anything at all, my body was plenty aroused at the stimulation and I was much happier knowing how much I am capable of enjoying it.

You might be thinking I’m just bragging about some great blowjob I received, but it is more about overcoming what I felt was a sexual hurdle in feeling comfortable enough around a woman to be able to respond sexually the way I had always thought I was supposed to react.

2

Hey, congrats, man. I felt the same way for a while - couldn’t have an orgasm from oral sex. It’s pretty nice to be able to, and I never really had it for a long term experience, but I kinda know where you’re coming from.

Man, can one respond to anything in this thread without some sort of awful pun cropping up? :rolleyes:

Quick question, though - are you able to reach orgasm through vaginal sex? If that is a problem for you as well, then you might need to spend some time understanding why.

A lot of guys masturbate too damn hard, and they do end up ‘training’ themselves to only be able to orgasm to their own hand (and right quickly at that!). So you might have to spend some time training yourself out of it, and there are some techniques for doing so. Mostly involving using an extremely light tough when masturbating (avoid the ‘death grip’), slowing down or stopping entirely just before you orgasm (to prolong and know what your ‘trigger’ is and where your point of no return is), and to use lubricants to more accurately simulate a woman’s vagina.

3

Yeah, unfortunately I can’t orgasm from vaginal sex either :frowning:

I suppose I have ‘trained’ myself on a certain feeling. I know when I had sex for the first time, it felt good, and it was a unique sensation, but it was nowhere near as intense or arousing as masturbation. So I guess I’ll have to train myself out of the rough handling to try to regain some sensitivity.

One big problem about this is getting over it emotionally. Sometimes I wonder if my own feelings about these problems make them out to be worse than they really are (wreck my self-confidence, make me unwilling to experiment with things that might feel good/work for me). For a long time, I had thought that mens’ bodies were a little more straightforward when it came to sexual response. Many women talked about trouble orgasming, but few, if any normal healthy men mentioned problems. But because I had a problem in this department, and I was a guy, I felt that there must be something wrong with me. Lately I have been trying very hard to reassure myself that this is something I can overcome. The success with oral sex feels like a step in the right direction. I think feeling comfortable with my partner will help a lot too. We will see. [aah! don’t look! :eek: ]

4

So, this guy walks into a bar and orders three shots of tequila… :eek:

5

Well, I ain’t gonna say ‘it ain’t you’, because, well, it is. Not that it’s your fault, mind you - how many guys really get taught anything real about sex other than the mechanics of procreation? Were you even taught how to put a condom on, or did you have to figure it out on your own? How many of our fathers taught us how to masturbate? How many men’s magazines talk about how complex our sexuality can be? We simply don’t know, and what we learn is often contrary to what we need to know.

A great example is a paraphrased quote from the movie High Fidelity. Guys don’t get foreplay. When we wanted to mess around with girls, girls were conditioned to tell us not to and to refuse us. So when the girls finally get around to wanting to mess around with us, we don’t understand what they want and want to go rushing to the grand finale while skipping over all the fun bits!

But yes, the way you are feeling about it is likely making it harder. Of course, that’s yet another null statement - like telling a paranoid that they should just stop worrying so much! It doesn’t help you to know that worrying about your situation will make it harder to fix it, because you’re gonna worry about it!

But let me tell you a few things that might make you feel better about things in general:

  1. Yes, ‘getting off’ from oral sex is a great big step in the right direction. It means that you are slowly retraining yourself to respond to far gentler stimuli than you are used to otherwise.
  2. Having an understanding (and patient!) partner will go miles in helping you sort this out.
  3. Yes, you can change yourself! I would recommend seeing a professional sex therapist, if you can, especially with your partner, as they will have the real lowdown on how to do this, but from what I have read and what I have learned, it’s a matter of reconditioning yourself and your orgasmic response.

I am assuming you’re not a eunuch, victim of sexual abuse, asexual (or with a very low sex drive) or homosexual. If any of the above are true, you need to look at this in an entirely different way, and I would not take any of my advice in any way - you need to talk to someone who can help you with those specific issues.

But if none of the above are true, it’s a matter of getting your body, especially your penis, to respond the way you want it to. Delicate touches, with the help of an understanding woman, will go a long way towards this. Try when you masturbate doing it differently. If you do a regular grip, try doing it backwards, or with your other hand. I would also recommend fantasizing during sex, or maybe even props (porn, etc…) to get you even more excited. And don’t ever again use the ‘death grip’ when you masturbate, and always always always use lube when you do.

There are a ton of good sex advice books, but I would recommend the Big Bang by Em and Lo (of Nerve.com fame). No-nonsense advice in real language, and a pretty good section on what’s gone wrong with you when you just can’t come! :slight_smile:

Oh, and good luck and welcome to the world of great orgasms!