“Okay, so…do you have a sister?” [/brother]
“No, I think you’re absolutely right that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. That’s why I brought out the paper bag during sex.”
“Alright, just calm down. I’ll put on my robe and wizard hat…”*
“On a completely unrelated topic, if the cops come by any time in thenear futre, can you tell me you were with me last night?”
Can I still come over?
“As long as we’re being completely honest, I just wanted to say your pussy hygiene is reprehensible and I want to vomit every time I get near it.”*
“I met someone online I’m pretty sure is female.”
“You’ve turned me gay, what can I say?”
“I just can’t stay with someone who refuses to do anal.”
I’d like us to still be friends.
“It’s not me, it’s you.”
“but we can still be friends with benefits”
“but if you would consider a sexchange…”
“I’m imaginary”
“you those breast implants I bought you?I will be waning them back”
“and all times I said you did not look fat in those pants, I was lying”
“would you please sign this release form for our home movies”
“If you decide to go psycho on me, I just have one thing to say to you: exgirlfriendrevenge.com”
“So Star Wars quotes and Spock ears aren’t funny anymore, are they.”
“I’ve decided to break up with you in the form of a LOLcat: Itty Bitty IHATEYOUYOUPSYCHOHOSEBEAST committee. Enjoy the picture.”
*(forgot to post this in my post above) Actually a true story.
“I guess I should tell you about this weird rash now…”
“Fine, but I want my favorite condom back.”
I can’t afford you AND heroin. I choose heroin.
could you please burst out in tears again?I wasn’t ready with the camcorder, and I need it for my blog
By the way, your new co-worker, the one who started last month? I don’t suppose you have her cell phone number?
Hey, the last time I broke up with someone, we both said that. We also said “I’ll always love you.” Then we made out for ten minutes.
What I failed to say was “That girl over there is cute. I wonder if she’s single.”
Your house, your clothes and your cars all smell like ferret. And you need to take better care of your feet.
(True story, but for some reason he didn’t take it well. It had started out as a “its just not working for me” kind of break up but after too many "why?"s and tears it ended up with ferrets and his ugly toenails.)
Meet Jane she is exactly like you, only a lot younger
“You see, size does matter.”
“But, Mom, you said she would stay!”
“It’s NOT that common, it DOESN’T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!” 
“Sorry, I think I’d rather be a Buddhist monk than get married.”
True story! What do I win???