Since I stopped drinking we don’t have anything in common anymore…
True one (not said to or by me, thankfully):
“If you give me a friendly divorce, maybe I’ll come back to you eventually!”
‘I repeated, the woman I have been loving is not you.’
‘But who?’
‘Another woman in your shape.’
- Tess of the D’Urbervilles
“Your Tits:Psycho ratio reversed”
“But now that we’ve broken up, could you arrange a date for me with your mother? She’s hot!”
“My new girlfriend says that it’s all right if you and I still have sex, but no more than once a week. How do Saturday afternoons look for you?”
“I’m sorry, but did you have the impression that we were dating? I thought of you as a one-night-stand that refused to go away.”
“I don’t think you’re woman enough for me. Maybe you and your best friend together though.”
“Since your identical twin is genetically identical to you, it won’t really even be breaking up exactly, just switching to another copy.”
You don’t look nearly so hot when I’m sober.
Since you’ve stopped drinking, you’re boring, and not nearly so much the slut I’ve always hoped for.
“No, seriously, I thought you were a man the whole time we were dating.”
“If I have to sell my body to get the money to divorce you, I will!”
“Remember when I asked you out?? Well… I was talking to the guy behind you”!
“Don’t you just love when leeches get into your pants”?
“You know, if God actually stopped and thought about it, I’m pretty sure he could think of something better to do with skin rather than hold your sorry ass together”