A classic gem from my mother, spoken after I told her I was an atheist. You haven’t lived until your own mother tells you that you deserve eternal damnation! I don’t believe in hell but this is still a pretty crappy thing to say.
She also had this weird habit of telling me that I was retarded and couldn’t do this, couldn’t do that, etc. When I went to live with my aunt, she called her up and told her that she would have to wash my hair, prepare all my meals, and pick out my clothes because I was unable to perform these tasks myself. My aunt was rather confused, as I had been performing those tasks by myself for months with no problems.
My mother also used to rant on about how I’d never make anything of myself because I’d never finish school or get a job, I would always be a burden, etc. I find it amazing how as soon as I got away from her I not only finished high school, but went on to do two semesters of college (all with honors) while holding down a job.
My mother also hasn’t contacted me since she got out of prison, but that’s because I’m no longer a minor and she can’t get a disability check off me. Yet more proof that just because any two dollar crack ho can spread her legs and get knocked up, she is still not worthy of respect.
Sorry for the delayed reply. I don’t have kids, but I do understand that expressing your satisfaction in their attempts is important. They need parents’ approval and encouragement in this way, of course. I’m just saying that this method of encouragement is an awful one, or at least it was for me. I remember being that young, and that phrase stung (upon reflection.) I’m not being in(un?)compassionate, it’s only that I wouldn’t use this phrase to show my compassion.
I don’t mean to imply that my parents were anything but wonderful, wonderful people.
Whenever I asked them too many questions and began to get annoying, or if I asked them a question they did not know the answer to, they made things up. Sometimes I wouldn’t even need to ask questions - sometimes they just told me things that, looking back on it, were absolutely ridiculous… but I didn’t know that at the time, did I?
“Rats have poison in their tails, and if you get close to them they whip you in the face with it, killing you”
“Wear your espadrilles. They have magnets hidden in the soles that make your feet stick to the ground, so you’ll never trip.”
I’ve never understood using the “I’m leaving whether you come with me or not” ploy with kids. I don’t recall my parent’s ever saying it, although I was accidentally left a few times. Sorta happens in big families, oops.
You are the parent, they are not. If you think it’s time to go and they’re still playing, dawdling whatever, go get them. Don’t play on their innate fear of abandonment!
I was twelve and in the middle of the usual pre-teen argument with my mother. She started screaming and said, “If I had a gun I would shoot myself.” At the time I thought it was because of me that she said that. She was going through a hard time otherwise, but I didn’t know that. Kids always think that everything is about them.
This is sort of the antithesis of the OP, but one thing that you should never do to your child is to stop speaking to her or him – for hours. It drove me up the wall emotionally.
Mine did it a few times, too. Didn’t really bother me. (In fact, in many ways it was better because it removed me from the problem at the moment (her or my siblings.)) On one such occasion, I’d just figured out how to withdraw from my bank account, and took the bus to the mall - got $10, and went shopping for a while before catching another bus home.
Worked for me.
Other things:
“You’re hungry.” “I don’t care. You’re not angry. I said you’re hungry. Eat. Eat or I’ll make you eat.” (“angry” could also be substituted with “sad,” or any other emotion that I was feeling - apparently, he knew better than I did what I felt. And apparently I always felt hungry. Wonder where some (not all) of my food issues come from and why I have no problems eating when I’m not hungry?.. hmm)
If your teenaged daughter already has excruciatingly low self-esteem, and is being teased about the size of her lips - do not, not not not, poke yours out and laugh at how ugly it is when she’s upset at something. Not helping any part of any problem there.
(Really, my parents were pretty good parents, they just had a few idiotic moments and ideas.)
My friend said it made her feel like it didn’t matter whether she wanted to kiss people or not, so when a doctor [insert sexual abuse] she just complied.
You’re a hot looking chick.
I know its a compliment, but not the sort of thing you really want to hear from your dad.
The most upsetting things I found were the blatantly unjust. If a kid doesn’t feel a punishment is fair, then it aint doing its job.
I never took “you did your best” to mean that I was somehow inferior or incompetant. Maybe it all depends on context, but I always took it as a good thing.
There will always be someone better than you for many reasons. Maybe they have more experience than you or they’re older/taller/bigger/etc.
I remember when I played on a recreational soccer team. We practiced once a week and took everyone who signed up. Sometimes we’d play teams that practiced several times a week or were selective in who they’d allow on the team. Sometimes we were outclassed by these teams. As long as we did our best, we felt respectable and proud of our efforts.
Zoe, my dad once made the mistake of telling me “don’t be so ugly” when I’d said something particularly mean to my brother. Of course, being 7, I took it as ugly in appearance and, oh boy, was I devastated (daddy thinks I’m ugly!). Luckily, he pretty quickly realized what was going on.
“You want something to cry about?”
“You’d be so much happier if you’d lose weight!” (Immediately followed by: “I mean, I would love you no matter how much you weighed, but you would be soooo much happier. . .”)
“You’re too fat for gymnastics.” (I was 8)
“I’m not going to feel sorry for you because you’re crying!”
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
“Children should be seen and not heard.”
And to my brother:
“Your sister always got good grades.”
“You need to grow up and be a man.” (My brother is 17.)
I confess I used to tell my younger cousin that he was immature, acting like a baby, and that he should grow up and act his age. but 15 3/4 years later, now that he’s 16, he’s taller than me, outweighs me and it’s all muscle. I hope he doesn’t remember.
‘‘Don’t talk so stupid!’’ When my dad doesn’t agree with what I’m saying, or I’m daring to defend my side of an argument, this is usually what he tells me…:rolleyes:
“It’s hard for all of us, you know that…” This one needs backstory, because as is I realize this might seem self-centered, but it was the way my mom would say it so dissmissively whenever I complained/mentioned I was having a hard time dealing with anything having to do with my late sister…(She had severe cerebral palsy, as well as other disorders, and passed away due to a brain tumor…) I wish to make it clear that my promblem with it was the tone. It always made me feel as though I didn’t matter as much as the adults.
“You’re so smart, and you’re just throwing it away…” I was told this whenever I came home with another crappy report card. Yeah, I tested high on the IQ test, great, doesn’t mean I can automatically grasp every concept for every subject…
shakes her head These don’t compare with the horrible things other parents have done, but they never helped my self-esteem…
Whenever I got a grade card with anything besides all A’s on it, my dad would tell me that I could do better than that. I’d get one or two B’s, and he tells me that I could do better.
Little children are very literal. We learned that you should not tell a group of kids that includes preschoolers " …and when we’re done, we’ll share our artwork." One of my former coworkers made that mistake.
If you’re 3 or 4, share means one thing: you have to give it to someone else. Fortunately I noticed a trembling lower lip right before one of the kids started to cry, and was able to jump in and tell her " When she says ‘share’, she means we’ll show people our pictures. You get to keep your own."
