I’m going to counter the premise of the OP: these are *indeed *things you want to hear on the first date. So much better than hearing them on the 15th date! 
Indeed. A friend of mine just told me a story last night about going on a 3rd date with a guy who found that the best time to tell her that he didn’t approve of any of her gay friends because gay people are gross and going to hell. I think she would have preferred to hear that on date one!
“Oh wow, you live right near my favorite abortion clinic!”
“You do realize there’s no use screaming, don’t you?”
You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk back alone!
Love this.
“Oh don’t mind that, I’m just recording the date so my mom and I can go over it later”
“You have bigger tits than my mom”
True one but not really a date.
I had sent a letter to a girl I was acquainted with that was sufficiently quirky - or so I thought - to entice her to my hometown and, in fact my bedroom. While we’re talking she spots my lawn gnome (lawn gnome relocation was a trend with my friends at the time.)
Her: Oh isn’t he cute? Does he have a name?
Me : Nietzsche
Her: [hugging Nietzsche to her chest] You know, the funny thing is this gnome just got closer to my tits than you ever will.
Me::eek:
Fake ones:
I’m a virgin and I’m ready to give it up and try all of the things I’ve spent every night of the last 6 years thinking about. I want to do it with **you[/]. Now! I sure hope my babies like you. That’s what I call my four poodles.
I was once featured on America’s Most Wanted, but it was a mistake. I wasn’t quite wanted enough to make the list.
Do you like wearing diapers too?
I think the “Oh sweetie” is the best part - nothing like some condescension to go with your kick in the emotional nads.
You make an excellent point.
Or:
Speaking of babies, are you OK with changing diapers? Good, mine is about full…
Where did I go to college? Liberty University.
Is it time for Rush’s show yet? That guy is so smart.
“Are you saved?”
…So after dinner shall we rendezvous in the men’s room?
“Why no Ma’am. Jesus saves - but Moses invests. I’m invested.”
Was this from a man or a woman?
Here’s another one that, if it were the case, you’d also want to know about it ASAP so you can end the relationship right then and there. Why, yes, I started the thread.
“My son has herpes.”
Why the hell would you tell me that?
ETA: Not referring to my son, but to her son. Just wanted to make sure that was perfectly clear.
“You saw me on that Chris Hansen thing? Those guys totally set me up.”
True ones.
" You are kind of creeping me out, you remind me of my ex, but we can still go to dinner"
" If you don't have the balls to tell that waitress to recook your eggs I am out of here"
" have you ever been to the hot springs? Last time I was there I sucked off about 15 guys"
" I really am married, I am just trying to make my husband jealous"
" I am going to be outfront with you, I am not really into sex but I need to marry someone with health insurance, it doesn't bother me at all if you watch porno and jack off in bed"She said she was 16 but I swear to God I could tell she was 22.