Things you never thought you'd say till you were a parent

My friends and I keep joking about the bizarre sentences that come out of our mouths as we deal with our children. Every time some new weird sentence is uttered we look at each other and remark, “That’s another one I never thought I’d say.”

Some examples:

• “Please stop hitting your brother with the poodle” – fortunately it was a stuffed animal
• “Don’t paint the dog’s toenails” – it would have been OK except we have a Bichon and pink polish doesn’t look good on white fur.
• “The kitty doesn’t like it when you try to stick your Barbie in its butt.” – speaks for itself
• “Go into the men’s room and get your sister out of the urinal.” – at a restaurant when she was learning to be independent. She thought urinals were ok for sitting on. Eww. :eek:
• “Honey, the hermit crab doesn’t like chocolate.”
• “Why did you take a shower and then put on the same underwear that you wore in gym class” – said to my 15 year old son.
• “Why is there a dead gerbil in my shoe?” – again my daughter who thought my shoe would make an ideal coffin.
Any other goodies?

My most recent one was:

*“I can’t hear you; I don’t have ears in my groin.” * Said to my 4-year old who would crash into my legs, then try to talk to me.

Unfortunately, I said it at a family reunion, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.


“Get off of your brother right now!”

I have boys, and much wrestling and breakage ensues…

“Get off of the dog right now!”

He’s a Newfoundland and so begs to be ridden by virtue of his size, but he’s got hip dysplasia so that’s a no go…

“Yes honey, I am sure that I don’t have a penis.”

In answer to a query from my youngest son, loudly asked in a crowded ladies room…

I have a special category of these: things you never thought you’d say until you became a Pagan Parent. And yes, all of these have actually been uttered by my friends or myself.

“Tell Hillary’s mother it’s *her *hell, and *she *can burn in it!”

“Stop putting hexes on your brother!”

“No love spells until you’re 18, honey!”

“Who put wormwood in the Kool-Aid?”

And my personal favorite, said to a group of pagan children with a Ouija board at a sleepover:

“No summoning demons before bedtime!”

Man, every single day, I say something I never, ever, in a million years thought would ever come out of my mouth.

[li]Ok, nobody needs to touch anyone else’ hairy spots – said to my 7 year old who commented on his sister’s bf’s hairy arms and how he liked rubbing them[/li][li]Please do not let the dog stick his tongue in your mouth[/li][li]Have you pooped today?[/li][li]Who just left a shit the size of TX in the toilet and didn’t flush???[/li][li]How many days have you worn those underwear?[/li][li]Go ahead and kiss him, I won’t look – my 15 year old is something of a prude, it’s cute and I don’t mind, but sheesh, if I am looking, she won’t kiss the bf and let us go on home…ACK!![/li][/ul]

I could list a lot more, but I will refrain.

Sheesh, even previewing, the dyslexia gets me…

Funny. My mom and I just had this conversation this past weekend.

Some of the examples I came up with:

“Well, let go and it won’t hurt anymore.” – there’s a story behind this one, but it just about speaks for itself…

“I told you not to eat that.” – the boy thought Daddy’s special hot sauce was the same as ketchup, when you got right down to it.

“Let’s just clean it up and hope Mommy doesn’t notice, okay?” – yeah, right, he spilled the beans in five minutes. :slight_smile:

And, in the Most Embarrassing category:

“Hey, <very obvious boy’s name>, stop playing with the panties!” – at the store, waiting for my wife to come out of the dressing room and trying to handle an emergency business call at the same time. I didn’t hit Mute before saying it, though. The silence on the other end was… interesting.

I’m not a parent, but I’m never going to forget the time I was babysitting and cried, “Where did you find those naked women?”

The five- and eight-year-old boys I was babysitting had found a calendar of topless women on top of the refrigerator. And would not leave it alone.

I remember telling my son, “Do not look at him!” I really meant it although it was ridiculous.

He was bothering his brother and I was frustrated.

“Don’t put the dog on the toilet.”

“No, you can not ride in the trunk”

“Saying you have a “Woody” even if you mean the doll from Toy Story is not a good idea”

I have boys and have had this exact same experience.


“Stop putting your butt on me.”

“Your farts are not as funny as you think they are.”

“Stop surfing the coffee table!”

For me, it’s “because I said so!”. I always thought this was dumb when my parents gave it to me as an answer and I always thought I would break the mould and give sound, reasoned answers for all my kids’ ‘why’ questions. Turns out they ask ‘why’ so many damn times, and in such rapid succession that sometimes, I just have to say “look, the reason ‘why’ is that I asked you to”.

“Bring mommy the booger” rates right up there on my list.

Also “Sam, don’t drive the tractor on your sister’s head” (the tractor in question was a toy, but his 4 week old sister still didn’t like it too well).

I have a pin that says “Because I’m the Mommy, That’s Why.”

“Close your eyes, but don’t you dare go to sleep!” (said to my overtired daughter when she was a toddler. I think she was out before I left the room)

Didn’t actually say it at the time, but…

“No, you can’t stab your sister in the face with a fork. Yes, I know she did it first.”


Don’t jump on the cat.

Don’t sleep on the cat.

Don’t bite the cat.

Don’t feed the cat chocolate.

Don’t tickle the cat.

Don’t lick the cat.

Don’t smear tomato sauce on the cat.

Don’t put a ribbon on the cat’s neck.

Don’t eat the cat’s food.

Luckily the cat loves the four year old.

I don’t know, I gotta side with your sons here. Farts will always be funny.

I’ve said many things that I figure must never since the beginning of time have been uttered before that moment, but most of them are just too ridiculous to even remember. One that we’ve had to say numerous times is “please get out of the dishwasher”- for some reason, both my kids had a fascination with climbing into the dishwasher.

Thank God I’m not the only one…

McNew, unfortunately my husband shares your philosophy so I get no help there. The 2 y/o’s newest trick is to back up to me and fart on me.

I need to carry around a sign that says that I actually do teach them manners.