Just to note about Letterman - Drew Barrymore was on about a month or so just before Charlie’s Angels : Full Throttle came out; Crispin Glover was on in March of this year, and Madonna has been on the show (though I think only as a performer) since the infamous interview.
But here’s something you won’t hear from Letterman (at least not truthfully) :
“Ladies and gentleman, please welcome … Oprah!” Antiques Roadshow : “What makes you think someone would want to pay money for a piece of crap like this?”
Friends: “Oh hey everyone, it’s our dear old friend Jamal!”
Oz: “Wow, three whole weeks and no one has OD’d, been shanked, sodomized, fed ground up glass, chained up and sealed inside a brick wall or had his children kidnapped. This must be a record.”
Family Matters: “Hey, everybody! Steve Urkel’s here! YAY!”
Fox News: “Tonight’s special report, the shocking expose of how George W. Bush stole an election, bankrupt a nation, and lied to the world for the sake of war.”
Cheers: “Norm, you should go join Alcoholics Anonymous.”
America’s Funniest Home Videos/FHV: “Wow, does that clip look staged or what?”
Alex: …and congratulations to NutMagnet for the highest 5-day total in the history of Jeopardy, unseating the previous winner by over 40 million dollars…
Star Trek TNG
Crewmember: But Captain that would be violating the non-interference agreement.
Captain Picard: “Oh screw the noninterference agreement !!! That dumbass Kirk violated it on every damned show and he never got in trouble.”
The Fugitive
Police Chief: Hey Gerard, there’s more to your job than travelling the country trying to hunt down one guy !!! Make yourself useful - go hand out some parking tickets !!!
Any crewmember: “the holodeck? No WAY am I going into that suicide machine! It never works right, and every time it’s used, some mysterious power surge turns one of the holograms into a crazed killer!”
Batman:
Commissioner Gordon: “Batman, the reason the Penguin & the Joker are always on the loose is that their lawyers are always springing them on technicalities because you two meddling fetish-fags are constantly getting in the way of due process of the law! You take your twinkie little boytoy, go home and put some real clothes on! And stay away from my daughter! You’re a bad influence on Barbara!”
Bewitched:
Abner Kravitz: “Oh my God! You’re right Gladys! That Stephens woman just twinkled her nose, and everything went kablooie! And look at what her flaky, hippie mother did Mr. Stephens!!”
Mary Tyler Moore Show:
Lou Grant: “Oh Mary, stop crying and whining on my shoulder all day, you ditsy flip-haired doormat! This is a television newsroom and if you want to keep you’re job, I expect you to act like a professional! If not, you just might not make it after all! Sheesh, WOMEN!!”
Edmund: That is brilliant Baldrick! It’s completely watertight!
Baldrick: Whilst you make many false claims, Mr. Blackadder, it’s completely obvious that you are the reason our operation fails. Please allow me to have the credit which you so vehemently deny me.
George: [insert coherent statement]
The Young Ones:
Neil: Life is fun! We’re all having a good time!
Vyvyan: I feel like keeping the house intact today
Mike: [insert funny statement]
The Royle Family:
Jim: Denise, go get me something to eat
Barbara: Denise, go wash the dishes
Dave: I will go out and get a job. I am, after all, an active member of this household.