This man broke my heart...and angered me (long and sad)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I just got a phone call from a very distraught man. I work for a nfp, as some of you know, but we do not provide any direct services to the public. We fund research.

Anyway, this guy’s first daughter died at birth, then the second was supposed to die immediately afterward and instead continued living. She’s suffering from severe kidney failure. The guy has obvious issues…he refers to the doctor as “the man who killed my daughter”’, he was broken-down and crying on the phone, and just heartbroken. He is flat-broke paying for her treatments and can’t get her on the list for a new kidney.

I am not a counselor. I am not trained nor qualified to help someone this close to the edge. I normally deflect these types of calls. I have an “modus operandi”…I listen to them, recommend another organization that is specific to their problems, and get them the phone number and a contact name if possible. I mean, that is already beyond what I’m supposed to do…I’m not even supposed to listen to them, just recommend them to the correct company. I actually look up the number and often will call them and give them a heads up.

I listened to him for almost 10 minutes. His wife’s family is racist, she’s black, he’s white, and they hate his guts. He has no money, he can’t get any help from the Kidney Foundation, or from Social Services, or many of the other organizations I listed. CPS has been over his house several times and they tell him to fight for his daughter but apparently they do nothing for him. He’s on disablity and gets $1300 a month, $700 of which goes to rent, and I didn’t catch if his wife made any money or not. I told him my company could do nothing for him (in many more words). I asked him if his wife’s family accepted his daughter, and he said yes. I told him he should possibly consider, just consider, swallowing his pride and letting her family take care of his wife and daughter for a little while, until he could get his life back in shape.

He got angry, saying “You want me to split up my family? Give them to the people that hate me?” I said I didn’t want him to do anything, it was just a suggestion. I said, not permanently, but we all have to swallow our pride at times, and if it was best for his daughter he may at least want to think about it.

He grew angry, and - not rudely, but curtly - hung up on me. I feel horrible, but it was the only piece of advice I have to give. And I am a little bit angry too. Not because he hung up on me - the guy was brokenhearted - but because even at this date, when the girl doesn’t have any formula, when she is literally starving, he won’t even consider the only option left to him. Oh, there’s harsher options, but this might enable him to still get the kid back. I don’t think it would be good to have the kids grow up in a anti-white family but at least the kid would be getting fed and taken care of while he gets his life back together.

And I feel absolutely horrible for him.

I haven’t started a new thread in a long time but I really needed to get this one out. What should I have said? How could I have made it any better?

2

I don’t know if you could have done better. To begin with, he was putting you in a difficult position that isn’t even part of your job, and then gets upset when you don’t deliver what he wants. I have not dealt with anyone like this professionally, but personally I have. They are often desperate, ignorant of some/many issues surrounding their circumstances and ignorant of what “they” or “the government” can or can’t do for them or how to go about getting help. Even if you get them to understand all of that, some still won’t follow through, and continue in their crisis for a variety of reasons.

My impression? You robbed him of his victim status by suggesting a solution, or the fact that he (and not his wife’s racist family or the murderous doctor) take the initiative to solve one of his problems. Perhaps, to him, your suggestion that he do something equates him with responsibility for his current situation. In his eyes, the person responsible should be the one making things right, even though he may have made poor decisions that made a bad situation worse.

Vlad/Igor

3

I feel for you. That’s a horrible call to take and to be honest there’s no ready answer to his problems. You offered the best advice you could but there’s nothing more you can do. Try to let it go now.

4

I’m with zelie. You did the best you could, but ultimately it’s not your problem.

5

’mika, as tragic as his situation is, it sounds like he wants someone to “make it better,” without being willing to take any responsibility. Granted, he needs help, but what he needs is far beyond what you could, or should, offer. I think you said and did the right things, he just couldn’t hear it. His daughter is the victim here, not him. I would imagine that CPS has told him something similar to what you did, but he didn’t want to hear it from them, either. Ultimately, he’s playing the victim card, when it’s really his daughter who is the victim of circumstance. There’s really not much you can do for people who are willfully blind and deaf to reality.

6

Nothing you could have said would have made any difference. Trust me, I know; change NFP to State Environmental office and you have my job.

Not every person who calls can be helped by your group. Many of those who are left out are very angry and are looking for an outlet. By answering the phone, you get the brunt of the anger. The best you can do for these callers is be a sounding board, letting them vent out some of the anger and the pointing them in the right direction for help.

He was angry and upset about the situation and having trouble coping with the stress. He needed to talk to someone and you were there which is a very good thing. But you couldn’t solve his problem. You haven’t been trained to be the help that he needs. I’m so sorry that you’re heartbroken. You might ask your supervisor if it would be OK for you to recommend a local, charitable counseling group for callers who need more help than you can give.

7

I think what you should have done is offer him no advice whatsoever. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no doubt that you phrased it in the most tactful of ways, and it certainly sounds like sound advice to me. But you’re not in a position to take on that sort of responsibility, and (IIUC), you’re not qualified to give that sort of advice in a professional capacity.

I understand why you did, but doing so is likely to backfire. Did you preface with some disclaimer such as “I’m not giving you advice, but what I’d do if I were in your shoes” etc.? I wonder if that would have softened the blow.

It does suck that you found yourself in that position.

8

Anaamika, I’ve read your posts for quite a long time, longer actually than I’ve been a member. I find you to be one of the most level-headed, even-tempered, introspectful, wisely restrained, and intelligently forceful members of this board, even to those who are unable or unwilling to reciprocate. Therefore, I say to you imagine what you would tell someone else harboring the emotions you’re presently awash in and you’ll have your answer.

9

I think you told him what many people listening would have thought of telling him. I know I probably couldn’t have done it as tactfully as I’m sure you did, but it’s the right message and he needs to hear it. If her hears it enough, he may give it the listening it deserves.

There’s no mention of if his wife’s family is in any better position financially to take care of the girl, I wonder if they even can?

He put you in a bad position, and you spoke from the hear trying to help. It’s all you can do sometimes.

10

My last reply, BTW, was not meant as a criticism. You did the best you could given the circumstances, but put yourself in the line of fire. Pat yourself that you’re such a compassionate person that you would do so.

Don’t do it again, but if you insist on doing so: Just let the guy vent. Sometimes people need to be listened to and have their feelings validated. The don’t really want advice, even if they ask for it. But you can give advice simply by asking them questions. In the spirit of, but more delicately phrased than “What is more imprtant for your daughter right now, her emotional health or her financial stability? What would be some ways, even silly ways, for her to meet the more imprtant of those needs?” You can guide him to the right answer, and yet he’s come up with it all on his own.

Of course then you’re practicing that for which you’d need training and a license, which is why you should refer him to a professional in the first place. :slight_smile:

11

I’ve been in a similar position before (I’ve been in insurance for over 10 years, part of that in claims). It sounds like you did all you could, provided a person for him to vent to for a while and then gave the only advice you knew to give.

In that situation there is nothing more that you can do, you obviously have a very kind heart that wants to help and protect people but one big thing people like you (and me) have to learn is that sometimes there is nothing you can do. ((hugs to you))

12

I think this explains the popularity of shows like Dr. Phil and Judge Judy. They get ratings by calling a dumbass a dumbass. It’s not what a professional should do, but makes for great entertainment.

I would consider that his reaction may have been a bit of sticker shock. Some people have a hard time confronting the bleeding obvious, especially when it means a personal loss. His anger towards you may have really been anger towards himself. Sometimes, like a fine wine, it needs to age and mellow to become palatable. In that sense, it’s quite possible you did him a world of good.

Yes, I did get my degree in psychology from a box of Cracker Jacks, why do you ask?

13

I try really hard, as I said, to deflect these calls. If nothing else it is a liability issue. I am not qualified to give an answer. Normally people know that from the get-go, they’re hoping to be told differently, so what I say is not a surprise.

I’m hoping that once he works through the anger at me he’ll see that what i said may be his only way out anyway. I don’t care if he hates me forever for saying it, what is it to me? But if it drives him to better himself and help his daughter even a little…
I don’t know how bad his disablity is. He claims Social Services will only give him a few Food Stamps. And like I said, he gets $1300 a month and $700 of it goes towards rent. This really raised an eyebrow for me. I don’t pay $700 a month for rent…well, $650, but until recently I was paying $562 for a fine 2-bedroom apartment in a good part of town. Now the apartments in downtown Albany often run cheaper than that. I mean this is Albany…the suburbs may be expensive but not in the city.

And does Social Services only look at your income? Or do they look at your expenditures, too?

Thanks for all your kinds words. And Onomatopoeia, your words in particular warm my heart.

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{{{{Anaamika}}}}

15

I can sort of understand where the guy’s coming from. Sometimes in one’s life you come to a point where you have to make a decision where at least one of the outcomes is unconscionable, even if it is logically the right thing to do, and the rest are probably ineffective. At that point, which is the point where he seemed to find himself, he was probably just looking for some miraculous out that maybe he overlooked or hadn’t thought of, some panacea he may have convinced himself was staring him in the face all that time and he just missed it. Then he could smack himself on the forehead, exclaim, “I’m so stupid, why didn’t I think of that?” and then nip out to solve all his problems. It’s a self-delusion born of desperation and unfortunately, hearing that there just are no easy answers isn’t what he wanted to hear. It’s what he needed to hear, but unfortunately it’s just another case of needing what he wants but not wanting what he needs. You did all you could – and more than you should – under the circumstances, and should console yourself with the knowledge that nothing you said or did was going to fix or change anything; that call was never going to end well. Kudos to you for trying though, liability issues or not. Maybe it might help him in the long run.

16

I am very sorry this happened to you. :frowning: Its always sad to hear about a critically ill child, but there was nothing you could do for her or the father.

Hopefully, the rest of your week is better.

17

You did what you could. I agree with Mindfield, the best choice for him might be the most painful, and you just happened to be the one he dumped his anger and frustration on.

18

First of all, meeks, good on you for having the heart to try and help this fellow. I am sorry that he took out his shortcomings on you. See, the guy already sees himself as a failure and apparently his wife’s family does as well. Going to them for help will simply verify that in his mind. Having nowhere else to place that anger, he came down on you. Don’t stop being the person you are because of him.

19

No reason for you to feel horrible. Life sucks all over, not just for him. I, personally, have gotten wicked awesome about just sitting their silently when I am forced to listen to someone venting about something that I can’t fix but it took me 20 years+ to get that heartless. A little secret about that though: often the venter catches on that you aren’t saying anything and it brings them back to reality about your ability to help.

20

You did the best you could. And above and beyond the call of duty – and don’t think otherwise for a minute.

I think there are two issues here. First, you are sad and heartbroken because of the whole situation. And I think all of us here are too – and we didn’t have to listen to the poor guy for ten minutes. It’s O.K. for you to feel sad and heartbroken hearing a story like this {{Mika}} :frowning:

Second, I can see why you are a bit put off by his attitude of not wanting to do what you see (possibly correctly) as the best option for the child. I don’t fault you one bit for bringing up the option – you must have known he won’t like it, and it takes courage, of a good kind, to tell people already ravished and distraught some more bad news, and some more information that they don’t want to hear. I think, however, that you should cut him some slack on his response. He is heartbroken, and he sees no way out of a bad situation – of course he’s lashing out at anyone who will get in his line of fire… I commend you for being there to take the flak, listen to him and let him vent, and, ultimately, give him the best advice you had to give. And who knows? Maybe when he’s calmed down a bit, possibly helped by the fact he had a chince to vent, he will reconsider?

Lastly, I have to say that, while you may well be right that there is no better way, I, too, have a really bad gut reaction to the idea of letting that racist, apparently dysfunctional (more than the father) family have the child. Something in me just rails against it. I can only imagine he feels the same in Spades :frowning: Sometimes doing the Right Thing is just so hard. Sometimes… it is downright impossible, even when you know what you should do, you just can’t. Life is sometimes really cruel that way.

So like I said – cut him some slack. Be proud of being an ear to vent to and of giving your heart and your very best advice to him. And be sad that such horrible situations exist in the world; it’s OK to be sad…