Somehow I’ve managed to make it to midlife without having learned the art of schmoozing. Having been a SAHM, I didn’t develop the networking skills that others have, and I just don’t do tedious smalltalk well.
Tonight there’s a Singles Mixer for 40’s - 60’s locally, and I’ve attended a couple in the past, months ago. I pretty much have to go to this, or else face another month without a date or new friend. Everyone seems to know this dance, exchanges are hideously like job interviews, and there is not much fun or flirting going on in spite of happy hour prices. Unfortunately recent singles events have attracted mostly the 60+ crowd, rather than my preferred 40s-50s range. Everyone stands, and is engaged in conversation.
I feel like a child at a grownups party. How do I:
stand alone, holding a drink, and appear to be confident doing that?
casually and gracefully enter a pair or group of people already talking?
scope out the crowd for someone of interest, without appearing to do just that?
gracefully extricate myself from a boring conversation?
I am far from an expert in this field, but one piece of conversational advice I’ve gotten that seems to make sense is to concentrate on the other person instead of yourself. “Remind yourself that everyone has a story to tell and ask the other person about theirs.”
Admittedly in my case this goes against the ingrained Anglo habit of Minding Your Own Business, so it can be a bit of a struggle…
:: rereads OP ::
:: notes mention of stay-at-home mom status and infers current singleness and compatibility of ages ::
So, how you doin’?
:: makes note to post pic in current picture thread ::
And as for extricating oneself from boring situations, my cellphone company offers a rescue call service: you can set up the system to call you back after a short delay so that you can claim that your great-aunt Tillie was in a car crash and you have to go, or whatever.
Well I can relate to your dilemma as I was much in the same position as you. I’ve made a point of developing my ability to small talk in both social party situations and more recently at work functions (i.e. going to seminars where you don’t know anyone else).
I have found it a rather painful process but while I"m not artful at it all, I’m at least comfortable to chat around. Some people tell me they can’t believe I’m introverted. I consider this a great success since I am very much an introverted person who finds it difficult to shoot the shit with a complete stranger.
I think you need to know yourself and what kinds of conversations you like. I like to have more indepth conversations with one or two people during a twenty minutes span. For me, it’s a challenge to start enough conversations to find someone with whom I’d actually enjoy the 10 to 20 conversation.
What I did - hook up with a friend that’s actually good at it and try to emulate their style for making introductions. Do this for awhile just to get the hang of introductions. For me, that was the hard part. After that you let your own personality come through to see how the conversation goes.
Remember that these are strangers and you don’t really deeply care what they think of you right? So if someone is boring or irritating me, I just wait for a bit of lull and say “You know I’ve been meaning to talk to [anyname] but it’s nice meeting you.” Or simply excuse yourself without an excuse - you don’t really need one - for all they know you have to go to the bathroom. I think it has more to do with your tone remaining friendly as you go - not letting exasperation or frustration come through which can be rather insulting.
I think this is actually an interesting topic - love to hear those who are better at it comment.
Thanks for the suggestions so far. Starts at 6pm PST, I’m already trying to chicken out…gotta do it! To make matters worse, the men get there early, take up all the seats, sit back with their drinks and survey the women - leaving it up to the women to approach them! I mostly just talk to the women, heh. This is a town where singles get plastic surgery, are fit and tan. ::shudders::
I absolutely hate singles mixers. It’s like a job fair but you’re not going to base a meaningful relationship on qualifications, you need chemistry.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just not compatable with 99% of the people I meet. Oh sure, I’m sure the parts would fit together nicely, but I’m querky and I just don’t enjoy someone who doesn’t have my sense of humor. What works for me? I stop trying to be acceptable and just let fly with the snark (within the bounds of god taste) and see who picks up on the humor. Most folks won’t get it, and that’s fine. But sometimes I strike gold and make a friend for life. Sure, they’re usually married so there are limits that come with the package, but I think friends I can trust are much more valuable than someone to boink.
I might suggest going into these things the same way you’d go to an antique store. Go expecting to find nothing of interest and allow yourself to be impressed when someone grabs your fancy.
aaagh… i hate those things… and from the sound of it you have a fine crop of gentlemen growing in your area… don’t they realise it’s better to be fashionably late? mind you the last one i was dragged along to i took a book with me… and it’s amazing how many people want to talk to you when you are doing something incongrous like that…
anyone want to guess the author?
the worst one i went to most of the men were playing “guess the ringtone” with their mobiles… :smack:
to be honest, if you do want to meet someone worthwhile the best thing to do is to find something you are interested in, find a local club or society to join and go along… at least then you will know you have something in common and something to talk about. plus, even if you don’t find a soulmate at least you can make friends and practice smalltalk…
Thanks, MrShine. Yep, I attended 4 separate adult ed classes, and was a decade younger than all the rest. I’ll try again next quarter. One mixer I went to played a lock and key game. Women wore a padlock on a ribbon around their necks, the men a key. In a big group it takes awhile to find the fit. Plus there is much fun to be had with double-entendres. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he wields his key. A game like that beats: tell me your top 4 favorite vacation spots.
Thanks, Inigo. I kind of do what you do to avoid smalltalk.When I get bored I usually say something a bit provocative, to see whether they’re bright and click with my humor. 99% of the time they think I’m nuts. The rest, well someone to boink can be a good thing too.
Okay, I’m all tarte…dressed and ready to go. No, really. This time I’m dressing discretely to see if I can meet a creep who’s better quality than past creeps.
Did I mention that I have a stalker who called me 2 days ago to hint that he’ll be there? Shouldn’t be allowed around women.
Keep the thread going, all. We all have to deal with social things sometime, and I still don’t know how to schmooz.
THATS not a double entendre… it’s single and proud of it…
as opposed to?
ok… now what makes me think you may be setting your standards too low… stop hanging around with lawyers and politicians… and whats wrong with us older men anyway… what the young forget is we have experience… up until the stage where we have so much experience we start forgetting it…
just a thought on the small talk… ever think that the other person may be just the same… so why not go over and chat to them to help them out?
if i’d been 6000 miles nearer i’d have asked how you were doing too… well, to be honest i probably wouldn’t… i’d probably ask if you’d like a beer or a two hour orgasm
“You can tell a lot about a man by the way he wields his key.” Now there’s a sig line for you, brightpenny!
If this “meet people” sort of thing fails, try doing some things/going places that you think are cool. Museums? Bars? Dance classes or ballgames? Church or a fishing tournament?
The pickin’ might be a little slim at such places, but if you do meet somebody, they’ll have some of the same interests that you have.
not if “brightpenny” is attached to it; otherwise, be my guest. I say it once, and it gets forgotten. If it’s a sigline with my name on it, I’ll never live it down.
Last night at the mixer, the most deliciously evil opportunity came my way. Sometimes I really wish I could be a vindictive bitch, but having a good imagination can be rewarding too, I suppose.
Guess who shows up at the singles mixer? My ex-husband’s boss!! This is especially interesting given the interpersonal history at that office. For a group of 15-20 people, most who have been there 20+ years, they are the most disfunctional, incestuous group of co-workers I have ever known. Just about all of them have divorced their mates and either married another co-worker, or have had numerous open affairs with each other. No one even bothers to hide the goings-on, married or not. In fact, the woman my ex-husband ended up marrying had been in love with him for 15 years and had inserted herself into my marriage in ways I don’t even want to know, as far back as that.
So his boss is single now, eh? We visited a bit, hugged in greeting. Had I been a bigger bitch it would have been lovely to get some revenge…
btw, the stalker didn’t show up. thank goodness for small blessings.
No, really. This time I’m dressing discretely to see if I can meet a creep who’s better quality than past creeps.