To My Vaginal Cavity of a Neighbor Across the Street

The BBQ Pit
1

Yes, I know you’re a fundamentalist Christian and think that a scientific person like me is the Devil’s own henchman. Yes, I know that you don’t like me because even though my wolf-hybrid plays with both of your nieces, he frequently barks at you. (Guess what? Zen routinely barks at people who display the least hostility towards me. What a shocking notion!) Yes, I know that you’re a sour-faced, dour old maid who hasn’t had a lover around the house for years. Yes, I know you couldn’t care less that I always try to greet you politely and show at least a modicum of respect, despite the fact that you have walked right past me many times without even recognizing my presence.

With all of your reserved behavior, you have nonetheless crossed the line of acceptable decency. Evidently, you are in the process of carrying out some sort of vendetta against your next door neighbor. She has informed me that you complained about her spraying water through one of your windows while she was watering the plants bordering the driveway between your homes. You have complained to her landlord and inspired him to threaten her with eviction if she does not apologize to you in person. You seem entirely willing to neglect the fact that whatever water entered through your home’s window was in all probability completely accidental and totally unintentional. Somehow you are also willing to overlook how your neighbor is a polite and well mannered person. Instead, you are working rather hard at making her life even more difficult than it is already.

Who the fuck are you to take it upon yourself to make this poor woman’s life a living Hell? Where the fuck is your sense of Christian charity? Whatever happened to “Do unto others …?” Why are you out for blood from this nice and friendly person? What on earth has inspired you to utterly ruin her life by instigating her eviction from the house she has lived in for many years? What enormous damage can possibly have been done by her accidentally spraying a little water through your small 24" x 24" window that is over six feet off of the ground? Do you really think she did this intentionally? Do you think this was some sort of malicious act performed with the sole design of ruining your home’s precious fucking interior decor?

And now for the really salient, relevant, and pertinent questions;

[ul][li] Is there some sort of cardiac organ beating within your breast?[/li]
[li] Do you remember talking to me the other day?[/li]
[li] Do you remember me asking you about the fire engines that stopped next door several days ago?[/li]
[li] Do you remember telling me THAT YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR’S HUSBAND HAD DIED?[/li]
[li] Why haven’t you bothered to drop by the house that is all of TEN FUCKING FEET from yours and express some sort of condolences to this devastated woman in the past TWO BLOODY WEEKS?[/li]
[li] Why can’t you accept the fact that, perhaps, just PER-FUCKING-HAPS, she might be the slightest eensy-teensy-tiny little bit preoccupied by the totally unexpected and undesired DEATH OF HER HUSBAND FOR MANY YEARS, to the point where she might have not paid precise and eagle-eyed attention to where she was pointing her garden hose while she might have been crying her FUCKING eyes out?[/li]
[li] Why are you being so malicious, UTTERLY UNCHRISTIAN AND UNFEELING as to seek the complete, total and utter upheaval of her entire life in the VERY MIDST OF HER GREATEST HARDSHIP?[/ul][/li]You know full well that her husband died of heart failure without warning her, any of the several children he had with you nor anyone else of his impending death. You know full well that he was given a year to live with (what was most likely) a totally operable cardiac disease, yet refused to tell even HIS OWN WIFE of his (possibly avoidable) terminal condition. Yet you persist in your attempts to destroy her world. You are an asshole of limitless, unfathomable and infinite dimensions.

And finally;

Do you, for one single FUCKING femtosecond think I will not make sure that every single person in our entire neighborhood knows clearly and explicitly of such malicious and evil ruthlessness upon your stinking, rotting, fetid part?

FOR FUCK’S SAKE! I barely know the woman and yet felt sufficiently compelled by her misfortune to bring over a care package of goodies so she could feed those friends who came by to help console her.

AND YOU CAN’T EVEN BE BOTHERED TO DROP BY AND EXPRESS THE SLIGHTEST DEGREE OF SYMPATHY FOR HER LOSS.

You are the most heartless unchristian asshole of a vaginal cavity I can imagine.

I hope you continue to have a life uncontaminated by loving companionship or adoration of any sort. You are the epitome of evil and hypocrisy.

Now that mother’s day has passed, I shall drop by the house of your sister, brother-in-law and two nieces who live directly next door to me. I shall make sure that your sister knows how I will smear your smarmy, sanctimonious small-minded worthless ass all over our entire neighborhood if you persist in making your neighbor’s life miserable with your attempts to have her evicted in the midst of her mourning.

YOU HEARTLESS VAGINAL CAVITY!!!

2

Wow.

Just . . . wow.

What an evil excuse for a human being. Do you think maybe your neighborhood could get together and tell the landlord what’s going on and then shun your neighbor?

3

There is a small minority of people who go around proclaiming their Christianity and then they act like total asses. I’d LOVE to be there when they meet Jesus.

“You did WHAT? IN MY NAME???”

4

Dude. If some woman sprays water into my house, I’d expect her to apologize and I’d be upset if she didn’t. It doesn’t seem to me that your “vaginal cavity” neighbour did anything wrong and, in fact, took reasonable action by telling the landlord.

5

Does this mean Innocent Neighbor’s husband fathered the children of Hypocritical Cuntrag?

6

DUDE(ETTE). The next time I’m in your neighborhood, please remind me to spray a little water through one of your windows. I’m confident my landlord (upon reading this thread) would give me a discount on the rent.

Sorry, that should have read:

… with YOUR NEIGHBOR nor anyone else …

Thank you for actually reading through the OP, unlike someone else here…

7

Wow. Another person who canot think of a single person besides themselves.

I pity you.

8

Well, this is clearly wrong.

I suggest that you reach down between your legs with both hands and gently extract your head from your ass.

There now. Isn’t that better?

9

My parents have a similar next door neighbor. Most everyone in the neighborhood has an inground pool. When draining the cover, water tends to run into the yards of the other neighbors. It’s not a big deal, it’s not really that much water. (A short rainstorm would soak your lawn worse.) Even so, most everyone calls those who would be affected and gives them a heads up, in case someone was planning a garden party or something for that day.

Well, the people whose back yard was diagonal to ours had some relatives taking care of the pool because their fourteen year old daughter was killed in a car accident. Evil neighbor lady, who had knowledge of all this, called them on the day they buried their daughter to complain about their pool cover water running into their back yard. They apologized to her.

Then she called the police. (The police came and told her to get a life.)

There was a Zensteresque lady in the neighborhood who did just what you did: she told everyone. She even called the Evil Neighbor Lady’s daughter. My parents have said that Evil Neighbor Lady has been suspiciously quiet ever since.

I agree that if someone does something that inconveniences a neighbor, a friendly apology is in order. But let’s also take human decency into account. Good for you, Zenster.

10

Their is something wrong if a person sprayed a little bit of water into an open window of another person’s house and is threatened with an eviction.

Is the Landlord an idiot, or has the (grieving) woman done something else to deserve her being booted? Seems quite harsh.

11

Your neighbour is not a Christian, she is a misanthrope.

12

Sounds like it’s time for the tried and true "brown paper bag filled with poo and set on fire on the doorstep, then ring the bell and run like hell" trick is in order.

Or just loosen the lugnuts on two of her cars tires.

13

Aslan2, while we have had our … (ahem) … differences in the past, I really appreciate that you are able to agree with me on this particular topic. I am stunned and (well, not really) speechless over this bit of evildoing.

Mind you, I have been attempting to reconcile this for nearly an additional week after the fact before posting this particular thread. I find myself utterly unable to make sense of this and now feel compelled to take action.

I am beginning to suspect that what the woman has done to deserve such maleficence is to have had someone love and live with her in such close proximity to the vaginal cavity of a neighbor. When talking to this evil neighbor (once upon a time) she noticed that I wore the same sort of Australian (Driz-A-Bone) duster as she used to and remarked how teenagers at the train stop used to call her a “seal” for how she looked in it. I said how I thought that was mean spirited (at the time). I’m beginning to wonder if (back then) she hadn’t done something to incur their derision.

I remain entirely flabbergasted and equally resolute in my determination to totally ruin this rectal cavity’s reputation if she persists with this course of action. If my next door neighbor (her sister) refuses to intervene, I’ll not bring it to the attention of her nieces, but surely (and don’t call me Shirley), I shall trumpet this about for weeks, months, years on end. Preferably until the fucking sun explodes.

14

Ayep, I’m seeing that Jesus would be ever-so-proud of you, Zenster, for embarking on a calculated campaign to destroy your neighbour’s reputation.

It’s very Christ-like of you to do that. You’re obviously taking the higher road here.

15

Why is “vaginal cavity” an insult?

16

Actually Sassy, I think it was “rectal-vaginal cavity” which sounds like childbirth gone horribly wrong.

Anyhow - I too was slightly nonplussed by the choice of insult but I don’t think it detracted too terribly from the OP.

Give em hell Zenster!

17

Sassy, I’m guessing it’s a euphimism for cunt.

18

I think Zenster states in the opening paragraph that the reason the mean neighbor doesn’t like her is she isn’t Christian, (or maybe not the type of Christian her neighbor likes) Therefore I don’t think she is bound by that standard of Christianity. I also don’t remember anywhere in the Bible that says you have to stand back and alow someone to intentionaly hurt someone. This woman is trying to get her newly widdowed neighbor evicted for a petty complaint. Yes the woman should appologise for the water. Thats just politeness. After that everything that can be done to help the new widdow in getting through her grief should be done. Not allowing a vicious bitch throw her out onto the street strikes me as a good start. I for one would be tempted to phone her pastor.

19

Ah OK. I got confused. Zenster’s not a Christian, he’s just behaving like a sociopath here in the interests of his neighbour. Is that right?

Now while the fundamentalist Christian neighbour sounds like a right piece of work, I don’t think Zenster’s plan of action reflects well on him at all. I’m thinking he could try ringing the landlord to confirm that it really did happen how Loony neighbour claims. He could approach Loony neighbour’s pastor. He could go and talk politely and rationally to Loony neighbour and see what happened. He could support Grieving widow neighbour to make an apology for hosing the window.

Or he could go apeshit slandering Loony all over the neighbourhood. I’m wondering if that actually would accomplish anything positive apart from letting vent some spleen.

You see the issue I have with his plan of action is that he is intentionally planning to hurt someone and I’m not sure that makes him any better than her. He’s answering one wrong with another wrong. And I’m wondering if Widow neighbour asked him to do this.

20

oh and a further thing – what are the tenancy laws like in California? Can someone really be evicted on the say-so of their neighbour for something as relatively trivial as random water through a window? I remember a thread with Heloise where she was trying to get rid of the Tenant From Hell and her rights didn’t seem that strong even though her grievances were much greater than this neighbour.

So, yeah, a call to a tenancy rights advocacy organisation may be more practical help than a campaign of slander and innuendo. Less satisfying perhapy but more use in the long run.