To the jackass driving his Hummer like a sports car through traffic this morning

Hi. Nice car. A Hummer, huh. Wow, it’s… yellow. Very yellow. Bet it gets crappy mileage. Don’t even want to bring up emissions. Nor would I dream of suggesting that a vehicle that large is perhaps a trifle overkill for a single-person commute. But that’s not what I came in here for today.

No, it’s because you were driving like an impatient bladder-challenged little girl through gridlock traffic on US 183 this morning, almost rear-ending me and nearly taking off my front-left corner, trying to weave through traffic like you’re in some fucking sports car. I can’t tell you how many brakelights went on just because of your insipid selfish carelessness, and it’s anyone’s guess as to how much you personally slowed down the traffic jam because people were having to slam on the brakes to avoid getting ass-rammed by your ugly yellow brick.

Here’s a hint: ten foot wide bricks don’t slalom. Even if they’re painted yellow. Dipshit.

Now don’t get me wrong. I can appreciate the importance of the situation. You had a legitimate “thing” come up at last minute, and so justifiably failed to prepare for the commute, and it’s understandable that you feel it’s everyone else’s emergency, like the walking fungal infection that you are. I really feel your pain, you mouthbreathing twit. It really is a pain for you heroes, you titans, you gods who drop more money on a car than I can on my education: for you to have to sit through gridlock like us lower life forms; or look at a map and find an alternate route; or - God forbid - leave earlier so you can reach your destination on time. Vacuous snotnosed ass mint. I only shake my head in remorse, that I couldn’t do more to help you in your desparate predicament. Grandstanding pigfucker.

But please don’t think I’m bashing the car …er, truck …er, brick on wheels. It looks expensive, right down to the chrome bumper bars and the magnetic yellow ribbon. (I might not have picked yellow - there’s too many similarities between your vehicle and the short bus.) Your Hummer was clearly chosen to impress. You’ve certainly left an impression on dozens of people this morning, you crusty-faced ass-wart.

There is no doubt now as to the length of your penis. I bet it’s inconvenient to travel with it, having to roll it up and set it on the passenger’s seat while you drive. I bet it’s a real danger rolling down the windows, 'cause then your whale-like love snake would be flapping in the wind, getting muddy and letting the neighborhood dogs play on it and all. I, for one, would hope you understand that I would be sitting in the back seat, given the unlikely circumstance of you driving me somewhere, because I would hesitate to trample on your impressive dick. The owner of a schlong that long must have a long road to ho.

But I digress. I admit I was rather put off by your delerious navigational enthusiasm. But the icing on the cake, the coup de grâce, le pièce de résistance, is the cigarette butt you flicked as you were driving by. I apologize if I laughed, I just didn’t think it could get more clichéd than that.


You should have reported him for littering here.

Now I know what Vogons drive.

Ten out of ten! I can dance to it! I especially liked the neighborhood dogs reference, although if you have dogs playing on your highway, rush hour must be reallllly slow on I-183.

:: ahem:

I must disagree with the New York judge; it had a good beat and I could dance to it. However, it included only two of the compulsory “fuck” usages, and therefore I must grade it down, sorry. When standards are lowering all over the Internet, I feel we must draw the line somewhere, and not allow the up and coming generation to skimp on the requireds.

A solid 7.5, plus .5 bonus points for correct use of diacritical marks gives it an 8.0.

Someone has to link this. Art imitates life.

Great pit.

Wouldn’t this pretty much guarantee getting ass-rammed by the Hummer? :confused:

On a slightly similar note:
There are very few big vehicles that show any consideration to small vehicles in high water situations. Many a time I’ve seen a car inching along, doing well, about to get out of the water, when some large vehicles get cruises by, creating a wave that hits the car, stopping it.
Now I understand - they don’t want the car driver to get hypnotised by their penis.

Bravo! Bravo! Great rant, and I found the wording both innovative and colourful.

Not if he’s… um. He’s such an ass that…um. (I need something with “ass-backwards” worked into it somehow.) The thing is…damn. How do I re-word this…?

Okay, I got a response.

Hush, you. :slight_smile:

Not if the Hummer is cutting into your lane in front of you. In that case, slamming on your brakes might help you avoid getting rammed as he changes lanes.

Mrs Captor had a boss who drove the same vehicle. She said he had to get something to hold both he and his ego with room for his mini penie.

The similarity to the short bus was not lost on her or any of the other employees.

I give thanks once again that I found a way to work that bypasses most of 183. Driving through Cedar Park is no picnic. I think I’ve seen this bright yellow Hummer; at least, I hope there’s not more than half a dozen of them in town.

As a hijack, but here seems as good as anywhere else, I swear that whoever it is that owns the burnt-orange-and-black Honda Element is stalking me. I see that car an average of twice monthly. Logically I realize that there are probably several cars of this description in this town, but even so…

The driver is an ass, ergo any ramming of other drivers by said ass, or ramming of said ass by other drivers, would be “ass-ramming”.


Well, you could have left sooner and gotten out of his way. Or waited a bit and you would have been well behind him. :rolleyes:

One assumes this was an H2 or H3, correct? God, I hate those. They’re like Tonka Trucks. Ick. Now, an actual civilian hummer, if there’s a need for it, sure, but this doesn’t sound like it.

I’m going to HAVE to figure out a way to work “grandstanding pigfucker” into a conversation at work tonight.

“Short bus” was the image that popped into my mind when I read “yellow Hummer”.

My sympathies to you for having to drive 183. When I was working I drove IH35 or Mopac. They all suck!

Have you seen the Pink Barbie Hummer yet? It lives in my neighborhood. The owner isn’t a bad driver but the sight of that first thing in the morning makes it tough to keep the bile down.

You rock.