To the lady who called me a homophobic fucktard the other day

For those who don’t follow my life like it’s an episode of The Amazing Race, I moonlight as a bouncer at a pool hall. It’s an easy job. Relaxed atmosphere, most of the patrons are regulars, and I don’t usually have to crack skulls or kick anyone out.

We have a rule that you have to be 21 to come in unless you’re accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. Legal guardians include parents, foster parents, step parents, or anyone who has custody of the under 21. Please note that spouses are not on that list.

So two women came in the other night. One was 44, the other was 20. When I asked for the younger woman’s ID, the older one said, “She’s with me. I’m her legal guardian,” and pointed to a wedding band on her finger. Even though I was pretty sure I understood what she was saying, I wanted to clarify. So I asked if she was her daughter, either by birth or by adoption. She got a disgusted look on her face and said, “No, she’s my wife.”

I tried to explain to her that that wasn’t good enough. That she wasn’t her guardian, she was her partner. Legally, that wasn’t going to pacify any police officers or ABC officials who find out that we let an under 21 into the bar when they try to shut us down.

She asked me if I had a problem with lesbians. “No ma’am, I don’t.” She asked why I wouldn’t let them in. “I already explained why, ma’am.” I admit my voice may have been betraying my frustration and anger at that accusation. She demanded to speak to my manager, so I go and grab Mike.

He comes up and asked what the problem is. She says, “This homophobic fucktard you have working security won’t let me bring my wife in to play pool.” He asked me if it was true, and I explained that it was and why. He told her that I was just following the rules and that he didn’t appreciate the language she was using. She yelled back (loud enough to attract the attention of everyone in the bar), “Oh, so you hate homos to?”

He then asked me to escort the ladies out of the bar. She said, “No, I don’t want that asshole anywhere near me. We can find our own way out.”

I hardly know where to begin. I am not homophobic. Really. I’m not going to give a list of reasons why, as I feel I shouldn’t have to. I hate the fact that I can’t let under 21s into the bar. I know we could make a lot more money if I could just give out wrist bands to the people who could drink and let everyone else pay us for pool, food, and soda. But the Virginia ABC is apparently really strict about this sort of thing, and even if they weren’t, the GM is. Either way, the rules are posted in not one, not two, but THREE PLACES around the front doors you walked through.

Playing the homophobic card is not going to help you. I know that Virginia isn’t the most progressive state in the union when it comes to gay rights. But you’re not going to win anyone over to your side by calling everyone who slights you a homophobe. That’s not why I wouldn’t let you in.

So excuse me but fuck you lady. I am not a homophobe, you are a bitch, and I hope you get your pubes stuck in a toilet seat. You need to get over yourself and try to get it through that thick skull that not everyone hates you because you like women. I really don’t give a shit who you have sex with.

I have no real ending for this rant, so I’ll just bow out now and try to find a constructive way to channel this irrational anger.

That’s a good question you raise, there; people old enough to marry (gay or otherwise) but aren’t old enough to be in a bar. I don’t know if Virginia has legalized gay marriage; I assume it hasn’t, since you mention that it isn’t very progressive for gay rights. Assume there is a straight couple of the same ages; wouldn’t the older of the couple be a legal guardian for the younger in this situation, since they are legally married and they are indeed each other’s guardians in any loss of competence situations?

Oh, and the woman who yelled at you and called you nasty names was a nasty woman; try to ignore what she said, if you know in your heart it isn’t true.

Just to be clear, if it had been a male/female couple trying this, they would’ve been denied too, right? (I’m pretty sure of your answer, you explained the rules in a fairly clear manner, just making sure no pointless nitpicking of you starts.)

You did nothing wrong, and she was an asshole. I’m also giggling at the thought of a grown up using the word “fucktard” in oral communication. Sure, we type it out a lot here, but that’s different. It sounds silly when verbalised.


Many people are always going to play the “card” they think they’ve been dealt. Gay? play the homophobe card. Minority? Play the race card. Midget? You must be a heightist!

Just wait until we meet some real aliens. Imagine the xenophobia debates!

Sounds like she wanted to be denied entrance so she could get all self-righteous. She could have just said “I’m her mom” and you probably wouldn’t have questioned it too much, would you?

You’re not a fucktard.

You may be aware of this, but “midget” has been deemed an offensive term with 19th century freakshow overtones. Dwarf or little person is supposedly OK.

Remember when Time Bandits won the movie awards and Sean Connery got up and said, “I’d like to thank all the little people.” ?
Okay, bad joke. Carry on.

Personally, I think any 44 year-old marrying any 20 year-old is fucked up. They’re probably just miserable fucked-up people looking to impose their fucked-up misery on innocent bystanders.

I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I agree with FilmGeek. You’re not a fucktard, Lord Ashtar. At least, not in this particular case. :wink:
Some people just want to be offended.

Are dwarves and midgets the same? I thought there was a physiological distinction.

You were doing your job and that woman was just looking for a fight. She probably thought she could intimidate you into backing down by playing the homophobe card.

She sounds like a mental case. The fact that she’s 44 and “married” to a 20 year old is not exactly an indication of emotional maturity either. I feel sorry for the 20 year old.

You heard someone actually say “fucktard”?

While it’s not at all your fault, I do wonder about those laws. Are you saying that when I’m 20, my parents are still my legal guardians for the purposes of entering a bar?

That’s very odd. And I am shocked–shocked!–that a place in the South has odd liquor laws.


Well, sort of. “Midgets” are small people–standard human proportions, just scaled down. It’s a classification, not a condition, and is indeed seen as a fairly derogatory term. Dwarfism, however, is a physiological
condition involving both short stature and varying degrees of disproportion. Little people are little people, and some suffer from dwarfism.

But what about the dwarf lesbians?

Yeah! Maybe we should pass laws that only allow people of the same age to get married.

It does not, as you guessed. FYI, presently Massachusetts is the only state to recognize same-sex marriage, with Vermont (and some others?) having marriage-like civil unions.

Which means that their relationship has no legal standing in Virginia (or anywhwere in the US, unless they’re tourists from MA) whatsoever. Which just makes the woman’s statement all the more strange. Unless, in lieu of marriage, she adopted her young lover. Which is just kinda creepy.

Understood that you’re just following the posted rules, and glad to hear that the bar enforces them even-handedly in that a similarly-situated mixed-sex married couple would encounter the same refusal, this right here is where I can see her getting pissed off.

You knew damn well what she was indicating by pointing to her wedding ring. You knew she wasn’t indicating that her spouse was her daughter. You knew she was indicating her spouse was her spouse. Asking if her spouse was her daughter was a shitty thing to do.