I feel like an idiot for even posting this. I am 66 years old and have been smitten by a much younger woman for the past 5 or 6 years. She doesn’t know it and there is zero chance of us ever hooking up. I have never experienced smitten before. As a young man I did on occassion but it was always very brief.
We are so different it would be even hard to imagine us being together even if we were both available. I see something in her face that I have looked for all my life. A combination of innocence, beauty, and a strange softness. If you look deeply into her eyes you see a different side that is amazing strong and tough but not damaged.
We only see each other once a year for about 4 days and she likes to spend a lot of time around me. Every time I look at her she is looking right into my eyes and I feel like she is reading me. She has a beautiful family but I get a very strong impression things are not well at home ( I know its not my business).
She recently sent me a picture, since last year her hair has grown out and it has a considerable amount of gray running through it. That picture has stayed locked in my brain for days now. I would never do anything to screw up someones life and marriage. Part of me wants to shake these thoughts I am having and part of me wants to get just a little bit closer. I know I could not stop at just a little bit.
I know the answer, continue on as I have been doing, enjoy the good company a few days a year and let it go at that. Sometimes life can be a bitch!
That’s only one of the answers. She seems to be reaching out for something, perhaps just friendship. Take whatever she has to offer. Just continuing doing nothing, and you’re prolonging your torture.
The thought I keep entertaining that I couldn’t bring myself to express in the OP is that I keep thinking about an affair once a year for 3 days. I know it would be wrong but how wrong, if I know there would be no consequences I could live with it. In reality there is no way for me to know the consequences.
Well, no, I think there’s a good chance that’s a large part of this story. A bad relationship that you feel trapped in could very well cause you to project your desires onto this (conveniently, for the sake of daydreaming) mostly unavailable woman. Crushes are about fantasy, and when our reality sucks, fantasy becomes infinitely more appealing.
My two cents? Put your mental energy into fixing your current situation, whether that means getting out of your relationship or mending it, and you may find yourself either out of smit, or in a better position to do something about it.
Life is too short to feel that way. Maybe this is the root cause for the feelings you are experiencing about this other woman.
Instead of torturing yourself/fantasizing about this other woman, spend your energy working on your current relationship or getting out. You owe it to yourself.
I have given this a lot of thought a few years back. I know me and have kind of accepted that I will ride out the relationship. She would pretty much be screwed if I walked out. She does a lot of good things to earn her keep and we do get along pretty well. So all is not bad.
The strange part is that she has exactly the type of job and education that I dreamed of having when I was young. We are both very passionate about exactly the same things. We have very similar philosophies and values, it just goes on and on. We come from very different backgrounds and obviously took different paths in life.
Some time after my aunt died, my uncle met a lady and was swept off his feet. It was really quite uplifting to imagine having those feelings at his age. Long story short - he ended up moving from Michigan to Texas to be near her. He was 94. They had a few good years before he passed away at 97.
Quoted for truth. The very thing you’re fantasizing about would become, in reality, just as much drudgery and problem-filled as any other ‘normal’ relationship. Sad things is though, once you move it into the light (so to speak), it won’t stand up to everyday wear and tear because it is a huge let down from what went before. I second the notion to either fix what you’ve got going on now or end it and make both parties happy.
If you are a hostage in the relationship it is time to reconsider. Can you two be friends that live together and not be in a relationship? Maybe she feels like a hostage in the relationship as well.
How is this different from ‘we are staying together because of the kids’ other than you don’t have any kids that I know of. She earns her keep and she needs you and you get along, but you are UNHAPPY. Do you really want to be unhappy for however long it takes her to leave?
You do realize that sounds like modern pop music boy-bandish bullshit right? The same kind of bullshit that I like to feel every now and then?
IMHO; get out of your current relationship and offer coffee to the once-a-year lady outside of whatever professional relationship you have now or get out of your current relationship and she can be your perfect ideal woman who got away and you can silently long for her while being her friend.
There is nothing wrong with being smitten but I hope you realize the mental image you have is most likely not the person she is. Finding out can be fun though…
My current SO is alcoholic and had been on a particularly bad run for the past month. Ysterday I think I was just wearing thin and allowing myself fantasize more than usual. The reality is I would never consider actually approaching this other woman. I don't see a solution to my current problem, I have walked away before and it gets ugly fast, The situation is not intolerable but sometimes hard.
Yeah, I’ve been there and it’s a hard road. I eventually left her but it took years for that to happen. We had fun, at times lots of fun, but that was overshadowed by the times that were really not fun. Eventually I just got tired of all the drama and realized that I couldn’t fix her and left.
Of course the stuff I was involved in is probably different from yours. I still think that you should look out for yourself first to be happy and then help others.