Christ on a crucifix, you ask this is *this *thread? Learn faster, kiddo.
It is one out of four women who have been sexually assaulted
Right, but aren’t those statistics for actual sexual intercourse? Many more women have been fondled, groped, etc.
One out of four women are sexually assaulted by intercourse? That’s sick. Anyways, thanks for answering, DiosaBellissima and others.
I can’t say for certain that every woman I know has had an incident like this in her past, but I can say that whenever it has come up, I have never heard a woman say that things like this never happen to her. Instead, the presumption seems to be, (and again, I’ve never seen anyone contradict it in their own case when it might have been expected they might do so,) that getting touched inappropriately by men is just something a woman expects and endures.
I went to school with that guy.
I wish I was kidding, but really, only the name is changed.
You are right that is rape…and there are also women who don’t report incidental
One out of four women has been RAPED.
I also have never known a woman who hasn’t experienced sexual assault, in some form. Well, I have some acquaintances where I don’t know, but for every woman I’ve been close enough too to find out, its 100%.
I think this is a dead on point worth repeating. When I was a teenager, this stuff happened to me all the time. So often, in fact, that I thought for sure that I was doing something to warrant this attention. . . and that male attention like I was getting must be so standard that I shouldn’t make a ruckus about it. No one ever told me it was something to deal with, but nobody ever told me it was wrong either. In my little 14 year old brain, I made my own incorrect conclusions.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those 25% who have been raped. Yet, at least, and hopefully it stays that way. But I have been fondled and groped more times than I can count. I can think of at least 3 times when I was a teen where I was forcefully held down by a grown man and fondled or kissed (I know I’ve talked about at least once here on the board before). Hell, a teacher at my school was one of those men - he even went so far as to create a fake online identity so he could harass me with dirty messages about wanting to blindfold and tie me up in a park so he could have his way with me.
Did I report a single one of those incidents? No. I didn’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. I thought these things were so standard to the female existence that if I didn’t like it, I was the one who was wrong, not them. Because I didn’t hear other women speaking up, because there weren’t people telling 14 year old girls that sexual assault isn’t just penetration, I let this stuff go without telling a single adult. My friends all knew though and they had similar stories.
As an adult, I’ve grown angry that this is the default expectation of women in society. Now I fight back, I yell, I make a scene. When I’m in a night club and a man fondles my ass, he gets a stern, “DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME.” Now, these fondlings and shit happen a lot less than when I was a kid, but they still happen every so often.
Here’s the thing: I wasn’t some hyper sexual teen who had been molested or whatever else excuses I’ve heard for this nonsense. I am not some drop dead stunner who is bound to get unwanted attention- in fact, I am and always have been a relatively normal looking fat brunette. I often joke that I can’t even imagine how bad things most be for the actual “10s” walking around.
The point is: if we keep quiet about this, about what constitutes assault, we’re going to have yet another generation of teen girls coming up like I did. Experiencing things they should never have to and blaming themselves.
I’ve never been raped, but I’ve fought off my share of jerks who ignored my ‘No, please don’t do that’ until I escalated it into "NO!! STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! combined with something physical on my part (pushing, slapping, kicking, running away, etc)
I don’t like to be touched by strangers, I don’t much like to be touched by acquaintances or casual friends. There are not many people I will let into my personal bubble - my husband of course, and a few very close and long time friends. I really have to like and trust you before we get to something as mundane as a hug, never mind anything even more intimate or sexual. (Most of this is pre-marriage, of course) I also don’t like to touch others in a very physical way, I can’t help it, it’s the way I’m wired. I’m not a huggy, touchy person.
So some jerkwad guy insisting on putting his hands and mouth on me when I’ve told him in very plain language not to is:
- just plain rude to ignore a request
- making me VERY uncomfortable by touching me
- making it worse by forcing me to lash out physically - which usually means I’m scared as hell.
It is not a game, it is not fun, it sure as hell isn’t a turn on. It’s damned scary to have a fun, light evening with someone you thought was a friend turn into a scuffling, panicky scramble to not be treated like a piece of meat. It’s really really disheartening too. It made me feel sub-human at times.
Of course, then we have the fun of being labelled a cold bitch. Who doesn’t love that? :rolleyes:
Every woman that I’ve ever discussed it with has her own war stories. I don’t ask every single woman that I meet if she’s been sexually assaulted, but of the ones that I’ve talked to about this, yes, we’ve all had something happen to us. Sometimes it’s as mild (comparatively speaking) as having a guy grab our tits or ass, especially in a crowded area. The guys who do this (and it’s mostly boys or men, it’s almost never a female) will count on their target to not make a scene, and for other people who might see it to figure that it’s none of their business. And the thing is, it’s SO common for women to get treated like this, we’ve usually quit trying to bring charges, because we get told that it’s no big deal to get grabbed, or pinched, or groped. And we don’t know if the encounter is going to stop at just being grabbed, or if there’s more in store.
And this is why some of us carry pepper spray.
I’d say its pretty darn close when you look at legal definitions. I was assaulted on four occasions as a kid (different perps), and raped in law school. And I’d say my experiences are fairly typical.
Add me to the list of those who have been the victims of a violent sexual assault (not rape). I’ve also had two stalkers: one in person and one I never met who liked to call me at work and tell me he was going to rape me.
I’ve never had a woman friend or acquaintance tell me she’s never been sexually assaulted. It doesn’t always come up, though, as others have said.
I have been grabbed at by guys who ignored my escalating resistance. Once they finally did, I was screamed and cussed at, told “fuck you bitch, I hope you die”.
My sister, who is 20, was almost raped in a night club not a couple months ago. A guy she didn’t know and who she had not been talking to or dancing with aggressively grabbing her, kissing her against her will, and pulling her into a dark room left bruises around her neck for days. When I asked her why she didn’t tell a bouncer / bartender / police officer, she told me that “He had stopped, and I didn’t want to make a scene”. That’s the problem with rape and attempted rape. If you’re wrong, you’ll be crucified. If you’re right, no one will believe you
When you go overboard like this, you just encourage people to discount the ideas altogether and make fun of you.
And learn the karates to break femurs.
Which is why no one has ever been put in jail for rape. This is a real problem people. Rape is real! You are real! Mango chutney is real! Open your eyes.
Christ, after writing my bit above, I sat here and thought back to my pre-wedded and dating days. That was 20+ years ago, and I’m sitting here with my heart pounding, sweat prickling under my arms and a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.
Twenty years ago and I’m feeling panicky and trapped thinking about it.
And I’m not even a rape victim, I’m an ordinary female who’s been groped and hassled and made to feel like I was theirs for the taking, if they really had wanted to.
This is not a happy feeling.
.
I’d be quite surprised to meet a woman who hadn’t been sexually assaulted to a criminal degree at least as far as groping or some such thing. I mean, I’m a man, and even I know essentially all women are assaulted at least as far as the lower-level legal definitions of assault. Probably more than half experience their first assault before the age of 18. Yes, many of them are “just” groping or whatever, but it’s assault, and society’s acceptance of it is one of the things that causes rape.
The number of women I’ve known who actually TOLD me they’d be assaulted or raped is, frankly, stunning. And as the old saying goes, if you turn on the lights and see one rat, there’s ten. I fully believe that all my female acquaintances are divided into two groups; those who have been sexually assaulted and have mentioned it to me, and those who have been sexually assaulted and have not mentioned it to me.
Will you please stop trolling? It’s old.
I dunno if it happens to every single woman, but it’s very common.
My Mom was drugged and raped by my bio father when they were in high school, hence the creation of me. They were married for like a year afterward, because she didn’t really accept that it was rape.
I’ve never been raped, thank Og, but I was sexually abused by two different men as a child, both of whom were parental guardians. The second time had the added bonus that nobody believed me, including my mother, and I had to see the guy at family dinners for years afterward.
In terms of stranger assault, I’ve had some guys get handsy with me, but mostly it was saying sexual things that made me uncomfortable, or following me around. I’m more sensitive than most about that kind of stuff because I do have PTSD, and the only thing I know how to do in those situations is freeze up and hope he goes away.
My best friend as a kid was raped by her older brother at knifepoint, and after he got out of prison she received tremendous pressure to do the ‘‘Christian’’ thing and make up with him. Most of the women I know have been sexually abused, usually by a family member or friend of the family, and many have been raped, usually by friends of friends and people they knew. Some women are more affected by it than others, but yeah, it happens a lot.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and hopefully add some perspective since many of the women have been kind enough to share their own experiences. Let’s just say I have been that guy.
I am a guy who struggles with women on an intimate level. I’ve crossed some boundaries I probably shouldn’t have. I wish I could take them back but I can’t and it’s certainly something I’m ashamed of. I’m thankful that I never went too far in my younger days. Or, just lucky that none of these girls decided to press charges.
I was young, dumb, angry, horny, intoxicated, inexperienced, frustrated, jealous, insecure, and desperate. I wanted someone to love very badly. Having that denied hurts. It does not excuse any actions of mine, but it explains where they come from. I don’t think I’m a monster, or scumbag. I’m a regular person wiho in the past had questionable morals and made some bad choices
People can and do change for the better though. I feel like I’ve made some big strides in the past couple of years and listening to some of the posters here on the board here can teach you a lot.
Earlier, I had mentioned the idea of prostitution to perhaps alleviate some of the stress and frustration that guys are feeling, You know, Sexual Healing when masturbation does not suffice. Now, I’m not so sure. I don’t know how much of a difference that would have made in my life when it’s not really the sex that I crave, but the companionship. It’s the loneliness that drives you crazy, not the lack of orgasm. Plus, when you consider the potential for the warped mindset that could occur as a result of prostitution, it gives me pause.
I’m still on the fence on it, though. I still fully believe in the autonomy of ones body and the freedom for adults to make their own choices. But, would it really be effective? I don’t know, and I don’t claim to speak for every guy out there.
So I guess it just comes down to men and women playing their parts like they should. When we do that, everyone goes home happy. When they don’t, the shit hits the fan.
I think men need to listen more. No means no, always. There is no rationalization acceptable.
I think the issue arises here because it goes against the very nature of most people. We are persistent in our goals. We don’t ask for things, we assume we can have them. We don’t like told being, “No.” Actually, we like it when people tell us we can’t do something, and then we prove them wrong. Anybody who’s been in Sales knows what I’m talking about. In many everyday situations, these are actually wonderful qualities to have. However, one has to question the worth of your goal.
I think it comes down to empowering women. Women need to be fully responsible for their safety in all cases. This means being strong enough to be called a “slut” or “whore” and not be offended. These terms are meaningless and people only throw them around when they’re angry and jealous.
Lastly, sometimes men are just going to try to force the situation. In my opinion, women should be prepared for this. Have a support network. Have your father, brother, friend, roomate, 911 on speed dial. Learn self defense and don’t be afraid to throw a punch. Carry mace. Carry a knife. Carry a gun. I know this is easy for me to say, but this is part of the reason men hesitate to fuck with other men when they have something they want. Fear is a powerful emotion.