Trek Dopers, what would you include in an R rated Star Trek?

Cafe Society
61

I want see Riker seducing the hot and curvy alien female, and later on the ship, their clothes in a pile around their ankles; Up against the wall like they’d dent the duratanium bulkhead. Then to see one of a half dozen or so- eight foot long prehensile anime style tentacles wrap around his legs before a typical paramount fade out to commercial.

And then I want to see Riker smiling and walking funny for the whole rest of the season.
I want to know if Data’s recharge socket is in his nose.

I want to see Sisko lean over to Julian and say,

“Hand me my phaser”

JB, “Which one is yours?”

62

High above Planet Hell, a strange ship enters orbit. Invisible to Ebterprise sensors, it is also hard to detect optically. Barely larger thatn a Navy attack jet of our day, it seems an unusual choice for the largish man piloting.

The strange ship lands undetected near the camp pf Enterprise Officers and crew. An unremarkeable looking man wearing black Levis, a dark grey t-shirt, dirty tan oil cloth duster, and black Nacona boots with ivory spurs emerges from the oddly hued ship.

He stops and sniffs at the air. His spurs slowly spin.

“He is here!” The man exclaims to the air and dashes into the forest.

A demon, wings mauled and torso bloodied emerges from the forest at the point of Loki’s entrance. Terror grimaces the demon’s face as it is slowly torn assunder by invisible forces.

“Loki…” it hisses as it expires. Camera pans down to a puddle of hissing, steaming goo on the forest ground.

Meanwhile, Captain Archer is arguing vehemently with a human (?) looking man on the comm viewscreen, “What do you mean, you never saw Hoshi?!? Our sensors tracked her into your compound!”

STD: “My dear Captain Archer, I assure you that…” STD is distracted by something off screen. We a hear an unearthly wail muffled as though from behind a wall. A look of concern crosses STD’s face and quickly vanishes.

“Please accept my apologies, Captain. We will continue our discussion later.” Says STD as the viewscreen goes black.

“What do you suppose that means?” Asks Trip.

“I’m afraid we’re about to find out,” interjects the Doc, pointing out the enclosures tinted window. A flood of unholy creatures are rushing towards the compound.

more to follow…

63

Back with more rants!!

I want to see the Enterprise encounters aliens who move via farting. I want to see a female holodeck character get turned off, and 30 gallons of white liquid splatters on the ground. I want guns that shoot balloons into people that expand like airbags popping the person. I want crews trapped on planets forced to eat the guy in the red shirt. I want Captain Picard to snap, kill Riker, and try to rape Janeway, only to get eaten by a Targ. I want zombie Klingons that explode into toxic sludge when bat’lethed. I want bounty hunters that collect penises from starship captains. I want to see aliens that constantly are having snot ooze out of their eyes/ears/noses/mouths. I want a race with 63 sexes, all of which are required for reproduction. I want to see those pansy Kazon beaten like the blonde guy in Fight Club. i want to see holodeck program “3 year old boy vs. 6 tigers, to the death.” I want a crewmember obsessed with mating with holes drilled in aliens’ legs. I want a giant vagina threatening the galaxy with drowning in it’s giant monthly flow, and when Spock flies a shuttle upstream to bomb the vagina, he hits one of the chunky things that come out during the periods and dies. I want crew members that regually explode and become babies of their race. I want a Captain who spends all day smelling the thighs of the pants of the visiting admiral. I want diseases that make Ebola look like chicken pox.

And naked Hoshi.

64

Actually, what you want there is Prozac, I think.

[sub]Or decaf, at the least.[/sub]

65

Terrifel:

I could live with your Nemesis easter egg. I usually like Whoopi Goldberg, but for some reason I’ve never cared for Guinan. Maybe I’m just sick of all of those aliens who live for thousands of years. Or maybe I just want her dead because she’s connected to the Nexus and the horribly written ending to Generations.

66

WHOO HOO!!!

We’re back, baby!

67

Data and Crewman in 10-Forward

Data (innocently): But I have no Anus! I do not excrete in that manner.

Crewman: (pregnant look)

Data: Oh! (surprise) You are referring to Anal Sex. Buggery. Sodomy. Fudge Packing…

(Surrounding crew members turn to look. Crewman looks uncomfortable. Data continues speaking.)

Data: Butt Fucking. Browning the Sausage…

Crewman: (very uncomfortable) Um, yes, ok, can you stop now?

Data: (cocks head) Hmm! I do not have an Anus, but I will build one. (turns to crewman) How soon would you like me to be ready?

((And NO, I don’t want to see this, it just sprang into my mind from reading some of the above.))

68

An episode of TNG where Data is experimenting with his emotion chip, and spends the hour drooling at female crewmember’s busts and ogling their posteriors.

Redo all the episodes where sexual activity was only tastefully hinted at, and make the scenes more explicit. Example: the episode where Troi is becoming the “Dorian Gray” recipient of an alien ambassador’s evil thoughts, and get turned on by her own reflection in a gym mirror. In the updated version, we see her fondle her breasts and stick her hand down her pants.

Have at least one major female character who’s been taken prisoner by bad guys get raped.

Restore the deleted scene in the first Star Trek movie that showed a transporter malfunction and it’s hideous results.

Address the sexual politics of mixed crews serving together for years at a time in a small tightly knit shipboard community, including jealous rivalry, trading sexual favors, and the tremendous strain on marriages.

At least once show the interior of a ship’s restroom, including a shot of the commode.

69

I just found this wording to be very funny, considering the post.

70

Diceman:

Your dissatisfaction with the character of Guinan possibly stems from the expectation that Star Trek aliens be distinct in some interesting way: Vulcans are logical, Klingons are cranky, Andorians are…whatever they decide Andorians are going to be. Wistful, maybe. Whatever the case, the problem with Guinan is that her species’ distinguishing characteristic was apparently being Whoopi Goldberg. An immortal Whoopi Goldberg, no less.

This actually goes a long way towards justifying Kirk’s oft-maligned death scene in Nemesis. Recall that the Nexus grants a kind of immortality, so that while you are inside you exist in a kind of eternal, timeless present. So for Kirk, this would mean spending an eternity with Whoopi Goldberg. Is it any wonder that upon emerging, he immediately found the fastest possible way to end his life?

71

Ooh… What if they redid City On The Edge Of Forever the way it was supposed to be done?

Drug abuse, psychosis, graphic violence. That would get an R.

72

:::pout mode:::

Angel did an episode where Cordelia goes to Gor. (They called it Pyleia, but it was Gor).

Why can’t Enterprise go to Gor?

:::unpout:::

73

OK, that is the weirdest typo I have ever done.

::: pout mode:::

is how it should have gone.

74

I’d like to see Star Trek more like Lexx…

75

What is Lexx?

76

If Canadians and Germans did Red Dwarf.

I’ve only seen one episode but it’s pretty good :).

77

Huh…

Found some Lexx sites.

Here’s one.

Another

Looks fun.

78

Thank you for sharing about your eye, NCB. I needed resolution on this issue.
:wink: <------oozing

The doowhahickey of the week explodes in Engineering, shooting tiny sharp pieces of itself right into Trip’s…eye! No, eyes!
Then he lets loose with cussin’ like y’all ain’t never heard and prob’ly never will agin.

79

I’ve seen Lexx described as Sci-fi softcore porn. Heh. It isn’t quite that explicit, but it does have nudity and sex. Not on the sci-fi channel–they edit it–but if you see it elsewhere or get the DVDs you see it.

The main characters form a sort of twisted love triange:
Stan is the sex-starved pervy captain who is in lust with Xev.
Xev is a genetically altered sex slave who is in love with Kai.
Kai is an undead assassin with no emotions who isn’t capable of sexual attraction.

It has plots like:

• The crew encounters the Luvliner, a spacefaring brothel.
• Xev is thrown in a prison where she becomes the star of an internet porn site (and has bondage-slave kidnapped door-to-door missionaries nearly forced to have sex with her)
• The “key” that lets them drive the ship is a sort of living spirit/light that lives inside the captain. It can only be transferred to another person at the point of death…or the extreme of sexual exctasy.

So if Star Trek were to be more like Lexx… you’d have Troi boffing Picard for control of the Enterprise, naked people running around everywhere, and not an episode would go by that didn’t deal with sex in one way or another.

80

Here are some vidcaps from Lexx, just to give you an idea:

From the episode…
Fluff Daddy, where Stan becomes a fluffer for a porn movie (not knowing what a fluffer is until after he gets the job)
Bad Carrot, where carrot-shaped alien drones jump into people’s butts and take over their bodies. Kai gives the crew anal probes to make sure they aren’t infected.
769, where the robot head 790 attains a human body with working sex parts so that he can pursue a physical relationship with Kai, who he loves.
P4X, where Xev goes to prison. (warning: partial nudity, but the pictures is very small)

Some more Trek ideas:
The episode where Data has sex with Tasha would … show it.
All episodes on Riesa (sp) would be softcore.
Riker’s signature line would be “what the fuck is going on here”.