Hello again, Endemic, and thanks for taking the time to post more info for us. I know the details probably seem trivial to you, but they provided me - and, it seems, all the other posters - with some much-needed perspective on your original question.
Please keep in mind that some of the biggest problems your mother has with your wife - specifically, her dislike of your wife’s culture, her national identity, and her non-Christian religion - are also problems your mother is going to have with your new child. Since, y’know, the child will come out 50% of all those things that your mom hates so much.
She might temper her dislike out of love for her grandbaby. Or, she might intensify her vitriol out of a sense of “ownership” over her own grandchild. Made-for-TV movies love to glorify how people get over their prejudices when they gaze adoringly into an innocent child’s eyes … but let me tell you, reality usually goes the other way.
Please strongly consider seeing a therapist, even if only for a couple of sessions. Go alone or with your wife. Please. The added information you provided capitulated everyone reading this thread so quickly and firmly into a consensus, that you need to consider the fact that you’ve had all that information all along, but couldn’t put it into perspective. Neutral third parties have a way of nudging that process along. Anonymous internet posters make good neutral third parties, but trained professionals are, well, trained to do a good job of it.
I appreciate that choosing your wife over your mother is more problematic than usual in your case because you’ve been through rough patches and you wonder whether you’ll end up divorced and disconnected from both.
However, you have a wife and a child. Your responsibility is to them, not to your mother.
In any case, if your wife did leave you (or vice versa), I suspect you’d find your mother right back in the picture whether you wanted her there or not.
If you don’t want to think of it in terms of taking sides, think about it in terms of right and wrong.
If you think it’s okay for your mother to insult your wife’s (and your child’s) race and religion, then by all means go with that and be prepared for your wife to walk because of it.
If you think it’s not okay for your mother to insult your spouse in that fashion, stand up to your mom and be prepared for her to cut you out.
Whatever you do, don’t make it about your wife’s hurt feelings; it just lets your mother continue to see her as the bad guy. Make sure that when you confront your mother, it’s about what’s unacceptable to YOU. Leave your wife out if it so your mother can’t wave it off because “she’s putting you up to this.”
With these details the answer is clear. Someone is being intentionally cruel to your family. It is unacceptable. And I guarantee it is intentional- if someone knows certain words and comments hurt, and they persist in doing so, it is an intentional act.
I wasn’t there and you’ve only been able to give brief descriptions, but if my mother in law had insulted me or been cold to me based on my race, religion, or origins, I think I would give her very little benefit of the doubt, too. Unless you’re implying that things your mother has said or done might not actually be based in bigotry, but might have been misunderstandings instead, I don’t see how your wife has any responsibility to accommodate your mother. Like other commenters, I would see keeping my child away from an actively bigoted grandmother as decent parenting and plain good sense. I can see getting pretty darn stubborn and full of attitude about it, too, if my husband didn’t support me on the issue.
I wondered if it was something like this; a son unwilling to defend his wife from his vicious mother is one of the more common marital problems. I’ll grant you that you’ve had a hard time seeing this clearly because you were raised that way, but it is way past time to stand up for your wife and family. If you do, your marriage will be much, much happier. If you don’t, you will probably lose your wife and no one will blame her.
Your wife deserves a lot of credit for the way she has put up with you about this. Realize that you’ve been a wimp, tell your wife you’ve come to your senses, apologize abjectly for the way you’ve allowed her to be treated, and never allow it again.
I’m wondering if maybe some of the rough patches you guys have gone through might be a result of how your mother has treated your wife and how your wife felt betrayed?
I fully admit I might be reading more into this because I am a wife who has MIL issues and for a long time my husband wouldn’t address them with her and basically acted as if I should just get over it. It caused tension to say the least.
My MIL still has a picture of my husband with his first wife displayed in her home. Yeah. We’ve been married for almost 10 years. We’ve been married longer than he was married to the first wife. I find this HIGHLY insulting and it bugs me no end. I’ve brought it up several times and my husband doesn’t really see why it is an issue…it’s just a picture after all.
If you want to stay in your marriage I strongly suggest making sure your wife feels that you have heard her on this issue and that no matter how you have responded in the past that you get it now and are going to do everything you can to make it better.
I also grew up in a home where my mother and my dad’s mother could not stand one another and it absolutely for certain effected me and my sister over the years.
You said that your wife was “only one person” and that your mom and brothers were “three people.” Your wife is one person, but she is (presumably) a wonderful person who is trying to do what is best for her child. Your mother and brothers are three spiteful, hateful, ignorant people who are only thinking about themselves. Why on earth would you want to surround yourself with people like that?
I’m going to agree with everyone else. Tell your mom to knock her shit off, or she never gets to see her grandchild. And stick to it. Don’t tell her off “twice,” tell her off EVERY TIME she opens her mouth to spew bigoted bullshit.
Everyone else seems to be speaking crap. Probably because they’re wives themselves and have an over romanticised idea of marriage.
**VERY MUCH MOST IMPORTANT THING:**Bottom line is that your first duty is to your son. Due to international law issues this may mean that you have to go with your wife as otherwise your access will be impossible to sort out. Expect a decade and a half of hell, sorry.
But if that isn’t the case, then wives are two-a-penny. You only get one mother. To me this sounds like you have severe self esteem issues and have had the equivalent of a mail order bride. Your mother loves you, and you need to go to some counselling with her. She is just over protective because she can see in you what I can also see at a glance. I know when you’re reading this that you know, at some level, that I am right by the way. Time to man up.
Your wife sounds like a gold digger, to be frank. And she is going to dump you for a better model at some point as well. So if you do stay together for the sake of the son - and he is most important, well worth you sacrificing your life/career for - you must ALWAYS have an exit plan and enough hidden assets etc.
Please don’t turn this thread into an Angry Lurker versus everyone else style argument. The OP needs help more than Angry Lurker needs to be shown he’s wrong.
The OP said he was afraid to confront his mother about her behavior no matter how gently it was phrased because it might “set off a third Cold War.” The only way that makes any sense is if it’s Mommy Dearest who’s gone through the spells of not speaking to him–why would be afraid his wife would stop speaking to him for doing what she wants?
The bottom line is this: Your child will be irreparably harmed if he/she is exposed to someone constantly belittling his/her Mother. Your Mom needs to take an etiquette lesson.
I absolutely can not stand my SIL. Neither she, nor my Brother has any idea whatsoever. Before they were married I told my Brother what I thought. Now it is none of my business and I do what is necessary to get along with them. The only time I have said anything was when they belittled me in front of my child. See above.
Immediately cut off any conversation with your Mother in which she begins to criticize your wife. Force her to find a new topic of conversation. You’d be amazed at how much of this is just habits of thought - automatically going down the same old path, and sensign everythign throught he filter of “What has DIL done wrong now?”
Your wife is a saint; don’t let anyone abuse her again.
I have been in a similar situation with my mother for the past few years - my mom had a tendency to speak ill of my wife behind our backs (to my brother, or mutual acquaintances) and would act gravely wounded when confronted about it. She would also insinuate directly to me, that my wife wasn’t “good enough” for me, or to me (this started after our 2nd child - sorry, ma, you’re a bit late with that feedback, not that I would’ve listened earlier).
My wife never gave an ultimatum, though if it had gone on longer, she may well have. As it happened, I got fed up of my mother’s thoughtless, manipulative behavior, and broke off contact several times, for periods of a year or more - this last stretch has been at least 2 years, during which I’ve exchanged maybe 10 words with her.
Don’t buy into the myth that blood family somehow deserves more respect than the family you choose - quite the opposite: you chose your wife because she had already earned your respect. Your mother and brothers need to earn it as well, and it sounds like they’ve been doing a piss-poor job of it.
And Angry Lurker, not to pile on, but why don’t you read the thread before jumping to conclusions (that no one else has) and going into a 20-point all caps freakout?