The useful feedback continues. Thanks everyone. I even learned a new term – ‘man up’. Too bad I had to learn it in this context …:rolleyes:
Just to answer a few of the points that have come up.
The previous two periods of non-communication were between me and my mother (not my wife). I wouldn’t say that I stood up to my mother only twice. Before both of those breakoffs we had lots of agonizing back and forth arguments, during which I tried again and again to make my points, and had most of them thrown back in my face. Funny, although my mother swears how much she loves me, how important I am to her, how I will always be her little boy, etc, she has never once been able to make a single concession to me on any of my requests.
“Loss of son” refers to me. It’s a long story, but my parents have been divorced since I was a young child and I was the oldest and ended up being her emotional support from about the age of 10. When I became interested in global issues and other cultures and left the US for work, she considered it as losing her son.
I guess reestablishing contact unilaterally, without demanding any concessions, was spineless. But my mom has had a pretty miserable life, and despite all the above, I worry about her and I guess this was one motivation for wanting a whole family. For the record, my wife was Ok with reestablishing contact (she even encouraged me at times), and we both hoped that given another chance, my mother would demonstrate the concessions that she was not able to agree to formally.
Regarding me doubting my judgment, let me give one example. I was raised a Christian, and my wife, let’s say, is Buddhist. Neither of us is heavily into our religions, but like them for what they are and would prefer to expose our daughter to both and to let our her choose between them when she is old enough. A few months ago I mentioned to my mother that my wife and I were considering the possibility of baptizing our daughter but still raising her in both religions, and that I was considering speaking to a priest and see what was possible. My mother was pretty fair and informative throughout the whole thing, but in the end I myself concluded (after some research) that the Catholic church would not permit this, so I let it drop. Then the week after the birth of our daughter my mom asked both of us whether she could buy her a gold cross. After the call my wife got very upset that my mom was trying to brainwash our child, and I got upset too. I was all set to make this one of my points to my mother when I realized that I myself had mentioned our interest in exposure to both religions, and in fact never told my mom that we had decided against baptism. But based on my wife’s reaction, I had almost confronted my mother over this bit of insensitivity. Instead I discussed it with my wife and we agreed to drop this point. But my concern is that I almost acted on my wife’s overreaction, when in fact my mom didn’t really do much wrong. This is an example of how I fear my judgment sometimes. The lesson here, I will admit, is not to doubt my wife, but to try to limit my arguments with my mother to behaviors which are clearly offensive, with little margin for misunderstanding.
The point about my mom trying to turn our daughter against my wife when she is a bit older is a very valid one, and I need to think about it seriously. That she has turned my brothers against me is an example that she is capable of it. I should also mention that when I was going to leave the US for the job I mentioned above, my mother actually hid my passport from me. She is capable of that sort of thing.