Not all women get very attached to fetuses they are carrying. It’s no indication of what kind of mother they will be, FWIW-- I’ve known some very good mothers who didn’t claim to “love” their “baby” who wasn’t born yet. She may be in this category, and may not find this a very difficult time-- this may not be the equivalent of losing a born baby for her, the way it is for some women. So if you feel that way, she may not be able to understand it, or at least may find it very surprising.
Unless some of them are OBs, their comments don’t mean anything.
It sure as heck sounds like you are making it about your personal feelings.
Except that this happened to her, not to him; she probably expects him to take a cure from her as to how upset to be.
Conflict management is very important in any relationship. If your style doesn’t match up with hers, then you’re incompatible. Even if everything else about the 2 of you as a couple were literally perfect (which isn’t the case for you or anybody in the world), mismatched conflict resolution tactics will splinter your relationship eventually.
Well, if they really want to be together, a counselor or therapist could probably help them relearn and compromise, because a lot of conflict resolution is learned behavior in the first place. My husband and I handled these things very differently when we were first together, but fortunately we didn’t have a lot of conflict in the first several years, so that when we did, we could be circumspect, and see that our different styles actually made things worse. We didn’t see a therapist, but we did talk to our rabbi a couple of times, and neither of us is very quick to anger, so we did work through it, and one thing we do have in common is that we are both good at compromise and picking our battles-- often one of us will see early on in a conflict that the other is a lot more invested in something, and just let it go, for the sake of the long haul.
However, it sounds like the OP and his girlfriend were entering a long term relationship mainly because they wanted to parent as a couple. Now that there is no longer a child in the equation, they really might want to look at whether the work that would go into succeeding as a couple in the long run is something they want to put out. Any long term relationship is work, even the most natural-seeming one in the world, but you have to feel as though you are getting more than you are giving, or you are going to feel cheated, at some point, I suspect.
I mean, Rachellelogram is right-- if you don’t change the way you handle conflict, it’s going to be a problem, probably a lethal one. It’s my opinion that you can change, but you have to ask whether or not it is worth it.
Yeah. Thanks for coming out and saying it, Lefty. When a man says, in regard to the miscarriage his girlfriend had, “she doesn’t seem interested in my support or in supporting me,” I hear alarm bells. She could be going through a form of post-partum depression, from the abrupt change in her hormones, and feeling detached; she could regard a miscarriage as not a big deal, particularly if she remembers her mother having several, but also a few healthy babies along the way. Not all women mourn miscarriages, even when they were looking forward to having a baby. They just see it as meaning that getting to the baby is going to take longer than they thought, and if the woman doesn’t regard the miscarriage as a big deal, it’s probably going to seem odd to her if her partner wants to mourn it like the death of a live baby. She may be one of those people who thinks everything happens for a reason, and so she just thinks this baby wasn’t meant to be. Or maybe there was something terribly wrong with it, like exencephaly, underlying the miscarriage, and she isn’t sure how the OP is going to react to that news. Given his suspicious nature, I wouldn’t blame her.
Anyway, all the OP’s posts seem to be “Me, memememe!”
You had my support and sympathy at the start, but you are quickly losing it. You remain focused on abortion vs miscarriage, which ISN’T IMPORTANT. You asked her to explain why she shut you out (a fair question) and when she declined to elaborate (a very fair response), you get whiny and yes, make it all about you. I know it hurts that she doesn’t feel the same way for you as you seem to feel for her, but for now, that’s how it is. Accept it.
If you know one woman who has had a miscarriage, you know one woman who has had a miscarriage. Miscarriages are as varied as births. If the OP wants factual information, especially general information, he needs to talk to an OB.
Ok got it. I’m a big whiney baby. Yes it’s about my feelings and also about hers. I’m not going to apologize about feelings.
But, I have not mentioned my feelings to her in the way I have here. I mention it here because I’m venting since I don’t feel right saying it to her.
What I said to her was that I was concerned there might be a trust issue with her and wanted to know where she felt the relationship was at. And like I said other people brought up the abortion when I asked about how women might process miscarriages and want from feel toward the father. I have no interest in catching her in a lie. Other people keep bringing up the abortion comment and I’m responding to it. Already said I don’t care about it. Just mentioned it originally to suggest there was a trust issue and how to handle it since it is a possibility.
and I really can’t stress that if she had an abortion, I would be fully supportive of it. I’m not mad she might have. actually I’m concerned that she feels bad about it and don’t want her to have to lie about it and can’t imagine trying to build a relationship with s lie like that on your conscience.
It’s still all about you–how many of those sentences in your last two posts are about yourself, as opposed to about her? It might seem a catch-22, but in all this you haven’t told us why you value her, what it is about the relationship you want to preserve, or asked for ways to support her. When you talk about the trust issue, you’re not framing it as, “What’s wrong with me, what’s going on that I have such trouble believing my girlfriend.” You’re framing it as a defect in her that keeps you from being able to trust her.
You’re venting, fine. But you’re sure not looking for opinions.
I don’t know what you are soliciting from other women that is causing them to tell you that the “timeline” (whatever that means) suggests an abortion rather than a miscarriage, but there is something wrong if the idle speculation of these women, whoever they are, somehow trumps the word of the woman you want to build a relationship with.
If you cannot believe her-- and being “OK” with an abortion is beside the point-- if you cannot take her at her word, than either the relationship is seriously flawed, or there is something wrong with you. I don’t think this is going to work without professional help, and frankly, if the problem is you and not the relationship, it’s asking a lot of her to help you fix yourself. Maybe she is willing, but it’s still asking a lot. If she doesn’t want to work on what sounds like a high-maintenance relationship, she has the right not to.
But you need to stop soliciting advice from random people, including us, and whoever these women are who are bringing up abortion out of thin air. This isn’t going anywhere.
You’re the one that’s unreasonable. Your talk with her sounds like you’re just rehashing the discussions you had a month ago and now you’re dredging it all back up. In your OP you said:
So why wasn’t that good enough? You don’t see how it comes across as accusatory and questioning her judgement to continue to bug her about this? Yes, she probably should have involved you that day and maybe she even wishes she had (or maybe not?), but she didn’t. And all you should have said before dropping it forever was: “I’m so sorry this happened, I wish I could have been there for you.” Instead, it sounds to me like you got your ego bruised by not being her go-to guy and rather than brush it off and be understanding about the stressful/traumatic situation she was in at the time, you went blabbing your (and her!) business around to anyone who would listen and maybe give you a reason why she didn’t go straight to you.
Here are some questions for you:
Why are you talking to so many people about your and your girlfriend’s private business? Cut that shit out!
What kind of assholes do you have in your life that even suggest that it was an abortion and not a miscarriage? Yeah, maybe they think it to themselves, but wtf?
How long/solid is your relationship? Did you ever consider that maybe she’s just not ready to share that sort of emotional event with you? Just because you got her pregnant doesn’t mean you get to fast forward past the shared experiences that make a relationship strong.
What do I value about her? Good question! Because I realize now she’s not who I thought. What have I seen post miscarriage? I’ve seen her use of foul language to her kids skyrocket. I’ve seen her smack her kid across the face. I’ve had her yell at me in front of her kids just for being a captive audience to this and being told to go cut lettuce.
So what I feel now is that some demon has possessed my girlfriend who I’ve known for a year. This started after the miscarriage. And I’ve tried to make excuses for her because I don’t want to believe she was never who I thought she was. I’ve been considering breaking up with her for how she’s been acting around her kids and how it’s affecting me. I don’t want to tell her this because they aren’t my kids, though I’ve dropped some suggestions that are met with no response. Maybe I’m focusing on the miscarriage because it involves my own. I don’t know. But the consensus here is that I’m selfish with a fragile ego. Ok I will except that. I probably am. We aren’t good for each other. That’s my conclusion. I’m going to end this relationship.
Thank you all for your honest opinions.
She was pregnant and now she isn’t, regardless of the reason. If her behavior has drastically changed, maybe there is a physiological reason. Your conclusion that she has secretly been an asshole all along and your concern about how YOU are affected by her child abuse is disturbing. No wonder she did not keep you in the loop and turned to a friend for support instead.
I didn’t mean I’m the victim, but yes when I make a decision to end a relationship it’s going to mostly be about me. and I’m not going to be happy in that environment
If the relationship is not working out, ending it is a good call.
As LHD said, if she’s getting out of control with the kids (swearing at them, hitting them, etc), do the right thing for them on the way out. It’s bugging you, so you know they’re not being treated right. Call Child Protective Services and get her some help - and them. You won’t be there, so please do this for them.
Let’s go with the possible assumption she had an abortion and lied to you because she did not want you involved. If I was in her position with little income, 3 kids and pregnant by a man who I am not married to, and (for whatever reason) am ambivalent about, getting an abortion vs having a 4th kid would be the most prudent possible thing I could do.
The primary thing you need to understand in this is that for all the fun and good times you two have had being girlfriend and boyfriend over the a past year she is a low income mother with three dependent children and at this point you are just a boyfriend. Your emotional investment in a possible baby is a big deal to you, but it is way, way down on the list of things she needs to be concerned about in order to get by day to day. Having another baby would implode her world and whatever progress she is trying make in order to get out of debt and get forward.
She is walling you off and there is a reason. The reason is that she in not sure you are the one she wants to be the father of her kids or her future husband. Most men would take the hint at this point, but you seem determined to ride this into the ground out of sheer obtuse stubbornness. She is not truly in love with you and does not want you for a husband. You need to find a new relationship.