Trust issue about a miscarriage.

That’s absolutely terrible of you. If kids are getting smacked in the face, that’s the danger. It’s illegal, and it’s terrible that it’s happening, and it’s terrible that you’re going to let it continue to happen because you still see it as all about you. Fucking call CPS already.

lol oh trust me I have thought this. that’s why I’m posting here. she keeps talking about a future with me and says she finally feels loved but I just don’t see her actions matching it. thi

no it’s not about me it’s about the family and that’s why I’m not going to call dshs. we’ve talked about how it would be good for them to get family counseling and she wants to do it. there’s much more to this situation than I can write. I know it sounds bad but I see it in person and know the good of her having outweighs the bad. I would make it much worse bydshs

You are offering a lifeline to a better future and she does not want to toss that away lightly, but she does not love you, at least in the fully invested sense that you appear to want to be loved and trusted. You are very attractive to her in offering potential relief from some of the day to day survival issues oppressing her, but you are not the man she *really *wants or you would not be getting hermetically sealed off the way you are.

Again, I have to ask why you are pursuing this beyond the point of common sense? Assuming you are a single man with options and not some undesirable troll with disgusting habits you are being stiff armed by a person who typically (from a financial and social needs perspective) should be all about wanting you to trust her and invest in her, and as stressed as she is that’s not happening. With all due respect you seem pretty slow on the uptake at this point.

It’s certainly…interesting…that you didn’t mention any of this in your OP, or earlier in the thread when most of the replies you were getting were supportive. It was only after people started calling you out over your selfish whining that you suddenly decided to reveal that your girlfriend is abusive towards her children. Perhaps this is even true, but if so it’s pretty sick that you care so little about the well-being of these children that you only mention them getting smacked around to support your claims about how rude your girlfriend is to you.

Assuming I’m single? Not sure what you’re getting at here. And don’t know why you’re talking of marriage we’ve known each other a year.
Things were progressing well until she said she miscarried. I wasn’t going to just instantly dump her because of it. But now that some time has passed and I’m seeing other things about her obviously it’s becoming clear this is not a viable relationship so like I said I’m ending it this morning.

I didn’t see it relevant to the topic about trust. I answered someone’s question about what I value about the relationship and her and people said we aren’t compatible. So yes then I brought up other issues to explain why I’m ending the relationship. She works very hard to support her kids and they are her priority even over herself. She is very stressed out and doesn’t handle situations well when they don’t listen to her. If I was selfish I wouldn’t have talked to her about getting family counseling. When I said it’s affecting me I meant that she has directed the frustration with her children toward me now. I can work with someone to be a better parent but I won’t tolerate certain behavior in a relationship. Excuse me for not being the perfect communicator on the internet when I’m trying to do many things at the same time and keep things short.
and seriously fvck you for saying I don’t care about the children. I absolutely love the children. I find it sick that I’ve been told to call authorities over this and rip apart her family. there are better ways to deal with things in certain situations. I’m not trying to make her look bad but these are facts I’ve given you all.

Calling CPS does not rip apart a family. Trust me–I’ve done it multiple times. Instead, an investigation follows, and the usual outcome is either that the complaint is unfounded, or that a parent gets parenting advice, including such complicated and difficult advice as DO NOT SMACK YOUR CHILDREN ON THE FACE. Removal of children from the family happens only in the most severe cases of abuse.

I suppose if you thought that calling CPS meant you were ripping apart a family, I can understand why you might hesitate. But if your girlfriend is seriously slapping her children, that is child abuse, and it needs to end. Now that you know better, please don’t make excuses for her behavior or for your own lack of follow-through: make the call, get that family the help it needs.

This is a big no no on this site. Do not ever say “fuck you” to another poster again or you will be warned for it. Only reason I’m not now is because you’re new and might not have known it yet.

Idle Thoughts
IMHO Mod

Sorry.

How’d it go, jake? Did you get a chance to talk to her?

It happened one time. But she hits them often when they hit each other, not on the face but it’s really pathetic to see her become a kid herself and expect them to stop doing what she’s doing. She’s thrown out words like " little brat/sh!t" and " unlock the door now or I’ll beat your a$$". This is where it gets day to day dysfunctional. I’m not going to call it child abuse but it’s really borderline. In my opinion the kids are happy and think their mom is a pushover because she never follows through with consequences. After she hit her son on the forehead that one day she sat the table and cried about it. So I don’t know if I’m making excuses here but I don’t think it’s child abuse.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I love her and the kids and want to help but I just don’t think I can anymore. The 10 year old girl hates me. the 7 year old girl thinks it’s funny to disobey my girlfriend and watch her yell. the 5 year old boy is awesome but is learning to follow the lead of his sister. Its hard to step in when you’re not even a step parent and it’s so dysfunctional. I really think she needs to not have a boyfriend and work on being a better mother. Unless anyone has advice on what I can do without calling cps.

Jake, I’m not trying to be mean, but there’s nothing in what you’ve typed that seems like an argument against getting this family some help. Mom clearly needs some assistance in setting up effective discipline structures for her kids, and CPS is very good at helping folks set these things up. If she’s regularly calling her kids “little shit,” she’s engaging in emotional abuse of her children; if she’s hitting them often, that’s physical abuse.

What can you do without calling CPS? Convince her to go to a family therapist on her own; convince her to get help.

If you do otherwise–if you walk away from these kids, leaving them with a mom who’s emotionally and physically abusing them (and again, that’s what you’ve described), you’re complicit. You might be okay with leaving kids to an abusive homelife, but I hope you’re not.

As someone with some tangential experience with this from the CPS side: working with CPS is obviously not a super-fun day at the park. But it’s not like you are imagining, Jake. As LHoD says, there is no way the kids would be taken away from mom for what you’re describing (unless you’re leaving out some major home-life issues). CPS will help the mother find resources available to help her. They can get her into family counseling or some child-raising classes, which it sounds like she could really use. All this makes things easier for her, not worse. And it’s way better for the poor kids too.

Yes, it’s probably easier if you could convince her to get into counseling and classes on your own. But what’s the likelihood of that happening? In the list of best and easiest ways to handle this, convincing her yourself is probably #1, working with CPS to make that happen is #2, and walking away from it all and crossing your fingers is down at the bottom.

Uh huh. So you’re willing to tolerate your girlfriend smacking her kids around, but when she tells you to go cut lettuce she’s really crossed the line. Which part of this is supposed to not seem sick to me?

You’re getting it twisted. I said I’ve been working on this with her. I didn’t say I let it happen without a care. Big difference. And yes now that it’s escalated and also come my way I’m seeing no progress on this issue so I’m not hopeful anymore and less happy. Common sense really.

If I was having a miscarriage, I’d be busy miscarrying, wouldn’t be thinking “OMG I need to update anybody who knew I was pregnant”. At least for those which actually take any amount of time, many of the early ones I’ve heard of were more along the lines of “WTF? Oh SHIT I miscarried!”

I sense that the OP has a tendency to overreact to things. If I were in his GF’s place, and I started bleeding while I was pregnant, and the OP was not actually my husband, and therefore not the one to make medical decisions for me if I became unconscious, and the pregnancy was not far along that a very premature baby, who might need its father, was a possibility, I would be inclined to call a friend who I knew tended to stay calm in a crisis, and was not going to make everything about him (eg, "Doctor, is my baby OK; is my baby going to make it? can’t you stop the labor? this is MY BABY we’re talking about!)

She may not have realized a miscarriage was a possible outcome, or she may have thought it could be, but until it absolutely was, she didn’t want to tell the OP.

When I read the first post, I thought, “Yeah, that’s weird; if I started bleeding during pregnancy, I’d call my husband, no question.” But the more I read, if the OP were my SO, I wouldn’t call him, specifically, as opposed to an SO in general. Also, since my husband and I are married, if I were possibly in very early labor, he could invoke the FMLA, and get time off. I don’t know that an unmarried partner can do this. (I don’t know maybe he can.)

If it had been her day off and she waited until I saw her in person later to tell me, I’d think nothing of it. BUT, She had an opportunity and time to briefly tell me what was happening when I contacted her hours after she didn’t show up to work. She didn’t. She just said she wasn’t feeling well and would call me later. Also it’s a contradiction on her part to say she didn’t want to upset me at work but then decided to call me after the procedure while I was still working and tell me there was no more baby. This seems very common sense to me that something is wrong. Why and to what extent is a wide range of possibilities. Sometimes people just do things certain ways. And I’ve tried for a whole month to just accept it because she’s never given me a reason to not trust her or to think she doesn’t trust me about something. But it’s just been eating at me more and now I’ve seen other things escalate that I’ve mentioned.

So that brings us to the newest post about me possibly being one who overreacts. Nope I’m not. In fact, she tells me what she loves about me is that I’m patient and calm. I’ve never even raised my voice at her, and I’m always having to reassure her about things and calm her down. It should be clear from my posts that she is the one who overreacts.

Also, that morning, I just replied, ok love you, and waited for hours to hear back instead of hounding her with questions even though I suspected something was wrong with the pregnancy.