“Who names their child B.J.?”
“My father, Jay Hunnicut, and my mother Bea Hunnicut.”
From Barney Miller:
Det. Harris has arrested a punk kid who has lots of cash from dealing drugs. The kid goes on and on about how his lifestyle is so lucrative and he can buy anything he wants. Finally Harris has had enough (this is not an exact quote, it’s from memory):
Harris: You think your life is so great? Well let me tell you something, I have at least one thing that you’ll never have!
Punk Kid: Oh, yeah? What’s that?
Harris: Credit!
This is a line that has stuck with me ever since. It think because it means so much more than is on the surface, and it says it in one word.
Roddy
I remember one line from that old Tick cartoon, an episode where Arthur’s girlfriend (Carmelita??) shows up and is trying to get something that was hidden in the pants of Arthur’s moth suit without his knowledge:
“Arthur, you have something I need in your pants.”
My mother (who always watched The Tick with me) went: “WHOA!” :::turns to look at me::: “Did you understand that joke?”
Me: “Yeah mom. I’m SIXTEEN!”
You know how you fight fire? With fire that’s how. Barney Fifie
I remember that one. Another one I remember as the occasion fits is an exchange between one of the cops (Dietrich? I’ll go with that) and an Indian (guru).
Guru: You say you can do anything you want?
Dietrich: Yes.
Guru: Can you fly?
As I caught it on a rerun in the '80s and I had earned my pilot’s license, I was like, ‘Yes. Yes, I can.’
“I was going to protect you. But now you’ll die with the rest when the others come!” - A little girl’s “imaginary friend” from Star Trek, the Next Generation. Bet that put a dent in her fantasy life.
“What am I? A blind ghost with clothes?” - Geordi La Forge to Ensign Ro, when Ro wonders if they are ghosts and Geordi questions the logic of such speculation.
“Oh please. Spare me the tale of the boy who cried Worf”.
“Ah, Worf. Eaten any good books lately?” - Both from Q
“That’s not herb tea! That’s Herb!” - From Night Court
Speaking of The Tick: The Tick is flying an open-cockpit airplane when he’s smacked in the face by a capybara (that was sent up in a catapult). His reaction, the eminently reasonable “WHAT IS GOING ON???”
Also, Sewer Urchin: “Down here, I’m the apotheosis of cool.”
Twin Peaks: Brothers Ben and Jerry Horne arrive at the bar of brothel One-Eyed Jacks.
Jerry: I’d like a double scotch on the rocks, and my brother will have a double scotch on the rocks.
Waitress (a bit nonplussed): So, that’s two double scotches on the rocks.
Jerry: Next stop, rocket science.
I use that all the time when someone states the obvious.
There’s an episode of The Simpsons where Homer is asked to take his act of getting hit in the stomach with a cannonball on the road with Lollapalooza. Marge of course doesn’t want him to go, but Homer says he doesn’t have a choice. Marge says “Of course you do. Just because someone asks you to join a travelling freak show, you don’t have to do it!”
Homer’s response, delivered with the perfect amount of wonder: “You know, Marge, in some ways you and I are very different people.”
I’ve used that one on the SDMB.
Finally, someone mentioned the short-lived Matt Frewer sit-com Doctor Doctor. One of the doctors in his practice was Abe, an African-American (played by Julius Carry). Abe was an urbane, professional character with no discernible “blackcent.” But in one episode they’re up at a cabin somewhere when Grant, the jerk character, does something jerky and walks off screen. The others all give a reaction shot for a few seconds before Abe picks up a hatchet that they’d been using to chop wood and follows off-stage, saying “Wait up Grant. I wanna axe you something.” That always stayed with me, not as something I’d have a use for myself, but as a really finely pitched piece of writing.
–Cliffy
'nother one from Futurama:
Hippie: You shouldn’t eat things that feel pain!
(Bender clocks him with a brick)
Hippie: Ow!
Bender: We won’t eat you, then!
-from the same episode-
Lrr: Dude, my hands are HUGE!
“I choose to believe, what I was programmed to believe!”
Fry: “It’s made of people?!”
Leela: “No, that’s Soylent Cola.”
Fry: “Oh. What’s it taste like?”
Leela: “It varies from person to person.”
Both from Futurama.
Barney Miller:
Fish: “Mr. Driscoll, take your time, go through these (mugbooks) and if
anyone looks familiar to you, let me know.”
Mr. Driscoll: “Oh, I hope it doesn’t take too long, I have a lecture at noon.”
Barney: “Oh? You go to school?”
Mr. Driscoll: “No, I’m having lunch with my mother.”
Hi, I’m Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.
From Soap.
Lawyer : “Are you a practising homosexual?”
Jodie : “I don’t need to practice, I’m very good at it”
Danny: There’s more to sex than love.
My favourite line from The Tick (other than “SPOOOOOOON!”) - “No way, Mister! That’s just wrong!” We still use that regularly.
I have fond memories of that scene (usually when I’m playing Trivial Pursuit). 
The X-Files; “Jose Chung’s ‘From Outer Space’”
Jose Chung: “Then there are those who care not about extraterrestrials, searching for meaning in other human beings. Rare or lucky are those who find it. For although we may not be alone in the universe, in our own separate ways on this planet, we are all… alone.”
“Pedestrians may be afoot!”
(Due South; Constable Fraser on being careful when a car is on fire.)
The Lary Sanders Show:
Hank: You know what’s great about dogs?
Jon Stewart: The ball licking thing?
That reminds me of one from an early installment of HBO’s “Hardcore TV”. During one of the “Cindy’s Sex Talk” sketches, Cindy is interviewing this guy who only dates blow-up dolls (or as he calls it, “plastically-enhanced relationships”). The guy comes off like an extreme introvert totally lacking in interpersonal skills, and appears extremely nervous. He shares some of his history of dating blow-up dolls, and then Cindy starts taking calls from viewers, and one caller asks the guy, “How do you feel about a relationship with a plastically-enhanced sheep?”
The guy’s facial expression makes an utterly stunning transformation from initial shock at the question to one of righteous indignation, and he looks directly into the camera and declares:
“That’s sick, mister!”
Oh, and one from their series of “This Old House” parodies (“This Old House Party”, “This Old Whorehouse”, etc.) - earlier in the show they’d done a commercial spoofing the Sports Illustrated “Sneaker Phone”, instead using “Vibrator Phone” - a dildo-shaped phone.
Norm: “Hey Bob, there’s a call for you on the Vibrator Phone.”
Bob: “Must be an important call!”
“No, no, you don’t understand the scope of my crime. I didn’t kill just one Husnock, or a hundred, or a thousand. I killed them all. All Husnock, everywhere.”
- Kevin Uxbridge from ST:TNG ( my brother has been known to refer to him as “the ‘I killed them all’ guy” )
“We leave behind a being of extraordinary power and conscience. I am not certain if he should be praised, or condemned. Only that he should be left alone.”
- Captain Picard
South Park, at least in the first few seasons -
“OH MY GOD! They killed Kenny!”
“YOU BASTARDS!”