Unclebeer, I summon thee... Now!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

::Lights hearth, casts Pentagram. Pours beer into hearth. As black smoke rises from the hearth, I speak::
Unclebeer, it is I, Scylla, your humble servant who doth summon you, and stuff.

As you are aware that self-proclaimed do-gooder and all around nambly-pants Fenris doth campaign against me. Here, in this thread:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=80300
Long through history hath the Moderators retained neutrality in the battle between Conservatism and Liberalism, observing the code of noninterference, and showing their mighty powers only to thwart forum violations.

This is at it should be, and long have I lauded you for your mighty discretion, as well as your good looks, intelligence, and legendary sexual ability.

But Yea! The final battle is at hand, and as has been foretold it is now time for you to come down from your Olympian heights and take an active hand.

It is time to Ragnarok and Roll!
Here my petition.

I ask that you lock Fenris’ evil, malicious and nefarious thread under the grounds that he claims to be the good guy, but has sought to deprive my daughter of Elmo.

As we all know the CODE OF THE GOOD GUY prevents one from venting wrath at small children, or holding them hostage, or in any one causing them distress (article 4 section 1.)

Fenris has revealed his liberal tendencies by seeking expedience and a flaunting of the rules to reach his ends, in a fashion that would cause Al Gore to blanche, and which is unmatched by any (save ex-presidents with offices in Harlem.) Thus, hath he revealed himself to be naughty in your sight.

Therefore I ask your intervention.

Strike him down and halt his deeds. Lock his thread.

In thanks I will offer you three threads over three months dedicated in detail to your glory for all to see (thus increasing your powers.)

I will also dedicate three threads or one hundred posts over a three month period to campaigning against gun control thus proving myself your humble servant.

I will also drink many beers in your honor.

Hear me now and believe me later.

This I ask in your name, Oh wise and munificent Mod.

Thy will be done.

2

:Bunny bows low at door and then comes into smoke-filled room, dragging overstuffed briefcase:

We are but mere mortals, oh honored Scylla; thinkest thou to take upon thyself the burden of fighting UncleBeer’s great adversary, The Knee-Jerk Liberal?

Shouldst thou pursue this awesome but doomed task, many hymns of praise shall be sung in thy honor.

Now, there’s just a few disclaimers and papers to be signed before Uncle can grant your request. Strictly boilerplate you know, but The Great Uncle can’t be too careful considering the litigious society we live in.

:10 lb contract falls from sky onto Scylla’s desk with a frightening crash, a la Bedazzled:

Now, if you’ll turn to page 1, “The party of the first part being UncleBeer…”

:reading drones on until most Board members fall asleep:

3

And just how is this of any benefit to me? I mean encomiums are alright, I guess, but don’t you have a “global currency thingymadoober” and I think I’d rather have cash, or at least a good stock tip. I am a greedy Republican, ya know. I do think, however, that we have room to negotiate here.

4

It’s all about greasing the proper palms, Scylla. Haven’t you learned anything from The Sopranos?

I suggest you both set up PayPal accounts (if you haven’t already). :wink:

5

Good stock tip:

Stay with high-quality value oriented holdings. High quality small-cap is nice. Don’t expect a serious tech recovery anytime soon. Current market movement represents a trading range, and there is little to be gained by trading until we see decisive movement.

Look for a NASDAQ breakout above 2500 for conviction. The DOW number is a lot more fexible but somewhere over 10,750.

Lucent and Cisco are nice buys at some point.
Oh, and Short KKD, or buy puts. It’ll go down faster than a two-dollar whore.

How’s that?

6

Great. Can ya loan me twenny (thousand)?

7

… getcher Pentagrams, Frankinsence, Myrrh, Herkimer Diamonds, geegaws, doodads, bits of ephemera heah, getcher hot popcorn, peanuts, caramels heah,

:smiley:

8

…and I ask this boon, not for myself but for my poor daughter. Her “tickle me Elmo” is epileptic, and her encounter at Sesame Place was unsatisfactory as that Elmo was sweaty, and heat stroked instead of cheery.

On top outlawing anything but single shot pistols and rifles and requiring registration of test firing, three hundred day waiting periods, and annual inspection of all firearms by municipal authorities, Fenris has declared that my little Cherub will never enjoy Elmo!

Can you imagine such a thing?

God only knows what he’ll do once he passes his income equalization law.

Again I beseech.

9

Absolutley.

Complete a margin application, a hypothecation agreement, and an arbitration agreement, and you can have that and more (up to 50% of your portfolio value!)

-So now that I’ve met your conditions…

10

Hey, Cartooniverse - I’m looking for a good klystron, or maybe a pentacle. And some zombie repellent, too! We got 'em real bad in the back yard this year! Whatchagotferme?

Do you smell brimstone?

:Ralf d & r:

11

You forgot the most important part:

…onna stick.

– Pete (the not-even-there)

12

With all due respect, can we make this snappy?

I’m in trouble here, and if you lock it now we’ll get it down off the first page quickly and the views will never reach 1,000.

Wait much longer though, and I’m meat.

13

Oh, and if the globaly currency thingie works out, I’ll cut you in for half.

14

You do understand, of course, that if he does lock the thread, you’re going to have to pay off the rest of us to keep it locked.

And trust me … the rest of us aren’t quite so easy.

15

Shoot! That’s not what I heard! :smiley:

16

Just so we’re clear, I’m not depriving his daughter of Elmo, just threating (via cosmic-brain wave alterations in the ether) to make all Elmos listless and languid around her. Hell. In retrospect, given how much everyone hates that squeeky-voiced hyperactive “turd”, it might be considered a blessing to Dr. Scylla! I mean, it’s like a threat that Barney’s brains would expand to encompass a double-digit IQ in her presence. Where’s the threat?

Fenris

17

Ya know, Scylla, I probably wouldn’t be doing you any favors by locking that thread. If I know anything about this community, threads locked by the mods probably receive more views.

Besides, I hate Elmo. He should be fed to Barney.

18

awwrighty, how about just deleting the sucker?
…and judge not Elmo lest you be judged.

19

By the way…since Uncle Cece helped out the Evil Dr. Scylla by posting one of answers (which, by the way, technically remains unanswered until someone posts a link or something), I think he should even the score by saying “hello” to me or something.*

I mean, I obviously touched, just slightly, the glory, the wonder That Is Cecil by asking a question that he was going to answer 24 hours later. I clearly was thinking in a Cecilesque way! Doesn’t that deserve a “hello”?

Fenris

*Yeah, it doesn’t make much sense to me either, but hey, it’s worth a shot.

20

Well thanks a lot Beer boy!

I have this whole new case of Yuengling Lager sitting here fresh from America’s oldest Brewery (which just happens to be nearby.)

I was gonna send it to you, but seeing as you can’t even help me out here, I guess I’ll just have to drink it myself.