Only “aphorism” coming to mind is from my buddy: You can’t polish a turd.
Or maybe If the dog hadn’t stopped to take a shit, it would have caught the rabbit.
Stretching the definition, my mom used to say: We’re off like a herd of turtles.
I also always heard/said it as Tits on a bull.
Even a blind pig… is quite common among golfers following a nice shot.
And the way I heard it from our HS track coach, who taught us how to play poker, If you if in one hand and shit in the other, which gets filled up first?
I’d be surprised if a month goes by without me using just about all of those.
My freshman (HS) history teacher liked “Kids, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.” I think he was referring to his difficulty in educating us.
Oddly enough, the government-owned railways in New South Wales make practically all their profit in carrying coal to Newcastle. The coal is mined inland, and mostly carried by rail to Newcastle, which is the largest cial port (by tonnage) in the world. Of course, the coal seams were first discovered and mined at Newcastle, and hence the town was named after Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
Another version of the “blind pig” one is “Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” although I now differentiate between analog and digital clocks since broken analog clocks are accurate twice as often as digital ones.
I’ve always been partial to “if wishes were fishes we all would cast nets” and “if wishes were horses then beggars would ride,” those are great when shopping with kids.
Good grief. I really didn’t think I’d be able to find a cite for that with my Google-fu, rather that it was going to take a Doper who knew the details enough tofine tune a search to find it for me.
I am embarassed to have failed to even try Wikipedia. Maybe next time I’ll remember.
I couldn’t believe it when I actually used one last night.
Talking with my daughter she said, “What should I do?”
to which I responded “Spit in your shoe.”
Thanks mom!
I believe the longer version goes:
What shall I do
Spit in my shoe
Stir it up
And give it to you.
Not completely, it gives the phrase a nicer rhythm. Besides, it shows the boar is grown. A cowboy I know was on a camping trip with a pal who had put on weight. Tom told him, “You’re just like a little boar pig. All you do is eat and shit.” The little guy was peeved all week about that.
I love to twist proverbs and patch together part of one and half of another. “If beggars were choosers, then horses could ride.”
A gal who had grown up in a Polish neighborhood translated a Pole insult, “Go piss in the ocean!”