You do.
No, not at all. I would be completely shocked if someone like that even looked my way and would wonder if perhaps I had something on my shirt that I hadn’t known was there. I just want someone who is right for me and has an outlook on life similar to mine. We’ve all got flaws; I’m simply looking for someone with compatible flaws, you might say.
You are right, though. A lot of people seem to want some paragon of perfection to lean down from his or her cloud and say, “Yes, I want you.” I don’t want perfect; perfection wouldn’t put up with me!
Thanks, Hockey Monkey. I appreciate that.
Combination of fat, unattractive and unpleasant personality, along with 16 hour work days, unable to date work contact (patients are off limits and everybody else is female) and the belief that there must be something terribly wrong with anybody attracted to me. I could add cats but I really only got them because I was 40 and single so I figured I might as well have the cats too.
I met the perfect man at 18 and lost him at 21. Strangely enough, I met another perfect man after a five-year long streak of really bad dates and a few not-so-bad dates. He’s nothing like the other perfect man… but then again, what seemed perfect at 18 is very very different from what is perfect at 26.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that if you spend your life hanging onto that ideal of feminine perfection, you just might miss out on someone else who’s as perfect for you now as your paragon was at 22.
It’s a big world out there and there are billions of other people on earth, so I refuse to buy into this belief that we get just one chance at The One.
Try the following experiment: google a portrait of Joseph Merrick and will yourself to become attracted to him. Let me know how that works for you.
I have no idea why I’m still single. But, given my track record I am sure that there is something glaringly, obviously undateable (perhaps unlovable?) about me. If I knew what it was I would change it in a second, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. But, as others have pointed out, people don’t usually go around telling other people what they think is wrong with them.
What really gets me is how often I hear people say that women can get laid/get a date anytime they want. Considering that I don’t think I could find someone to date/sleep with if I was the last woman on earth, that makes me feel really good about myself, I tell you.
Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you were only exposed to individuals with congenital defects.
I didn’t say you could choose to be attracted to anyone - then there would be logic to gay people turning straight - or straight people choosing to be gay. You can, however, choose to be attracted to more than a narrow range of individuals.
Nevermind.
And the reason is not that there is some unknown intangible basic flaw in you. You just lack skills and/or marketing.
FWIW, I find it far easier to e-mail close.
Basically?
Because I know, deep in my heart, I can’t fit in with people. So I’ve stopped trying.
Yes, I know that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but it still feels true. Even when I was in the best shape of my life, I couldn’t connect with the women I found attractive. Add to that an absolutely disastrous relationship while I was in the Navy, and my own trust issues -
It’s just not worth it making myself miserable trying to meet people. I hate crowds. I’ve grown hugely obese, and I no longer give a shit.
Oh, and I’m hugely, chronically depressed, and no longer give a shit.
I’ve stopped trying to become some perfect version of me, in the hopes that I might eventually finally hook up with someone. Now that I have stopped worrying about finding someone I’m less unhappy. So, while I consider myself to be unwillingly single, I’m also no longer worrying about it, nor willing to do anything to change that. I prefer being alone, these days, to being with most people I know. Let alone strangers.
I think it is much easier for middle-aged men than it is for women that age.
Men have an unfortunate tendency to die more than women do, so the demand for eligible bachelors outnumbers the supply of them as the population ages.
Plus men also tend to try to get with females younger than themselves (as a 20-something female on an online dating site, I’ve lost count of the number of guys 20+ years older who have approached me on there), so it is even harder if a 40-something gal wants a guy her own age and isn’t interested in having an elderly boyfriend.
Still, I guess my view is that few people are truly unwillingly single. If you just want to be in a relationship, any relationship, badly enough there is surely some pathetic loser out there who will accept you. They may be hideously ugly, obnoxiously stupid, etc. but there is somebody out there for everyone (see how inspirational I can be? 
). So I guess that’s why I don’t really feel bad about being single. I see enough people in bad relationships with people I’m not impressed with that I don’t feel like they’re necessarily any better off than I am.
Oh, yeah. I completely forgot to mention the negative examples. I’ve mentioned my former housemate (We were never romantically linked. It was just a living arangement.) on these boards before. She’s one of those people who just has to have someone in her life. And… I’d say about 50% of the problems in her life may stem from those choices.
Then I guess the reason for me is “refuses to see romance as a competitive game”. And here I thought I was a mutant.
Sorry for the hijack, but I’ve read both of these statements several times and I don’t understand the meaning. Help?
Again, how? How do you ‘choose to become attracted’ to anyone you found unattractive to begin with? You can certainly choose to be with someone despite their homeliness for a constellation of reasons, but I don’t see how you can ever become physically attracted to them by sheer will alone. It seems futile to even try and I’m not convinced it does anyone any good to suggest otherwise.
I’ve never heard the term before, but I believe they’re both talking about closing as in getting contact information for someone you meet at a bar or club. Either phone number or email.
I am You.
Except I am not in, nor ever have been in the Navy.
Also, I do not know the state of my depression, but it rears its ugly head every now and then.
I can think of three girls who I could ask tomorrow, and I would likely get at least one Yes, if not more. Problem is, I don’t want to “date.” I want to sit at home and entertain myself with the random crap I think up, and the random crap other people think up here on the dope. Occasionally, I get out of that mind set, and I feel a little lonely, but then I realize that I do not have the time or the money for “dating,” and I come back down to earth.
Its like making a deal. After you “close,” its Business Time!
The attraction with that particular girl was mainly that we fit together very well. She wasn’t my physical ideal, even then. In fact she was downright plain; most of my male friends didn’t find her especially attractive. However, she got more beautiful — physically, — the longer I knew her. To me, anyway. I’ve got a high IQ; I suspect hers was even higher. We were both avid readers and turned each other on to quite a few good books. And the sex … hoo boy. She was willing to try anything at least once if I suggested it.
But like I said, I started to take her for granted, which is never a good thing. The other problems (for which I blame only myself) were that I was developing a drinking problem, and she was in a much bigger hurry to get married than I was. When she left, I was devastated. I started drinking a lot, and that went on for several years (well past the point where I could say I was doing it to forget about her) before I knocked it off. I did, however, have the presence of mind to realize it would be a bad idea to try to get into a new relationship while I was in that state. I didn’t want to inflict my problem on somebody else. So as a result, I went several years after that girl deliberately avoiding romantic relationships.
When I finally quit drinking, I was 28. I was just starting to get my life straightened out and get my confidence back, when the bill collectors caught up with me regarding all the bills I didn’t pay while I was drinking. That resulted in wage garnishment, which resulted in my being unable to pay my rent. So I ended up in a homeless shelter at the age of 30, which completely destroyed what confidence I had regained. I lived there for eight years. Though I was working a job for most of that time, my living arrangements put a major damper on my chances for even meeting women, let alone becoming romantically involved with one. I did end up briefly involved with a young woman who lived at the affiliated women’s shelter, but that turned into quite a nightmare due to her severe combination of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. That lasted for six months, which was about five and a half months too long.
In short, I spent the time between ages 24 and 38 in situations that made dating difficult at best, and a really bad idea at worst. Now I’m approaching 42; I’m out of the shelter, gainfully employed, sober, and finally driving again (after 14+ years of walking, bicycling, and taking the bus) … but almost completely lacking in experience with women. On top of that, now that I’m back “on the market”, I’ve made the unfortunate discovery that my taste in women hasn’t aged with with me. I’ve yet to meet a woman my age who is both a) remotely attractive to me, and b) single. I guess that’s to be expected when fourteen years worth of development in that area is effectively blacked out. That part of my brain wants to pick up right where it left off, which means the women I find attractive all fall well below the cutoff of the “creepiness factor formula”: ([my age divided by 2] +7 years). Living in a relatively small town doesn’t help matters, either.
It’s my location field, not me.
http://www.collegian.psu.edu/archive/2007/11/02/survey_phila_ranked_least_attr.aspx