Same here (except it’s only one ex-girlfriend). And before she told me directly that she was interested in me, one of my friends had been telling me for a few weeks that she was, just from what I’d been telling him about her. But I didn’t really believe him. I don’t know if any other woman has ever been interested in me, but I assume not, since I don’t really understand why any of them would have. Over the years I’ve made a few moves on women, but always directly, since I don’t really know how to show interest in a subtle way. And anyway, I often feel that showing interest would be somewhat insulting (as in, you think I could be interested in you?!) I’ve always had trouble recognizing that I have value, but I’m better than I used to be.
So yes, I’m involuntarily celibate, but right now it doesn’t really bother me so much. Before I met my ex-girlfriend, I thought that I’d one day be a 40-year-old virgin or something of the sort, and now that I know it won’t happen it’s not so bad. But I wouldn’t say no to having someone in my life, and sooner or later loneliness will probably set in.
Phase42, you have my respect and admiration It sounds like life dealt you a pretty crappy hand for a while there, and it takes one hell of a person to fight their way back. Having grown up with an alcoholic parent who’s still in denial, I’d like to believe I know a little more than most about the strength it takes to get sober and stay that way.
I do hope that someday you meet the older, wiser version of your lost love. It sounds like you’ve probably earned her (and then some).
I’m not unwillingly single. I’m unwillingly willingly single. Meaning, I wish I had someone, but only so that I could be like everyone else. It sucks constantly going to social events without a date or being able to mention a SO when talking to people. I don’t like being around family because I feel weird, being the only one without a spouse, SO, or an ex to talk shit about. I stick out like a sore thumb and I hate it.
I love being alone (even though I do have lonely moments). But I’m ashamed of it too and wish that I were normal.
But I’ll play along and pretend that I’m “unwillingly single”: I think it’s because I don’t know how to be sexy and attractive, though I can clean up well when I work at it. I’m geeky and given to saying geeky, weirdo things. And I’m shy, with not a bit of self-confidence. If a guy were to hit on me, I would assume that he was too “out of my league” and scurry away from him.
I won’t gainsay any of your observations, but what I hear from many middle-age women is “I’ve got my own house, I’ve got a dog, I’ve got a vibrator and I’ve got plenty of girlfriends. What do I need a man for?”
Of course that could just be a front, or maybe its not. None of my business, but it seems like inside every middle-aged single person are two past people: the 12-year old who wants to fall all tummy-achey in love again, and the 22-year old who wants to shoot every member of the opposite sex down like clay pidgeons.
Of course, there’re still plenty of selfless people of both sexes, of all ages, who are intent on meeting someone and making him or her happy. But I’m going to let those people pass me by until I meet one who’s looking for someone who’s already happy, and then making him a little bit more so.
(Besides, I’ve got the Teeming Millions of the Straight Dope Message Board. What do I need a woman for? )
A lot of the above. I’m socially pretty clueless, and really don’t do the small talk very well at all. In groups of roughly five or more, I’m usually as good as invisible. I hardly know anyone outside of work these days.
Then there’s the dating sites, which of late have come up completely dry in my area. Which probably also means I’m picky, I suppose.
And, at 34, and only one 8-month “relationship” to account for over the past ten years (and the quotation marks really are necessary there), I’m just kinda resigned to it for now. Besides, if I ever found someone, I’d be the dog who finally caught the car. Now what?
[sub]what are these things you humans call ‘cut flowers’?[/sub]
I’m unwillingly single because I can’t find a woman who will come over maybe twice a week (picking up some Chinese food on the way), have dinner, watch baseball, have sex and then go home and not bother me for a few days.
I suppose this is true. Last summer I met a guy on OkCupid. He was tall, good-looking, rich, had a degree from an Ivy League school, drove a Porsche, and even had a sense of humor. We got along great.
But I wasn’t attracted to him. Not like that, anyway. He was into me, though. If I’d wanted to date him, I could have.
I thought about it for awhile. I mean, if I really wanted to not be single, I could have dated him. I’m sure it would have been nice - like I said, he was fun to hang out with, and him being well-off and all certainly didn’t hurt. But in the end, I guess I decided that I’d rather be single than date someone simply for the sake of not being single. If that makes sense.
I’m not particularly attached to my single-hood, but I’m comfortable enough to wait until I meet someone I have that spark with. I don’t think I’m picky at all - the last guy I felt a spark with made my friends arch eyebrows in mild disbelief. It’s just rare, I think, to meet someone you click with in that specific way.
Hah! Unlike all you losers and dweebs, I’m great looking, slim and fit, intelligent, sensitive, compassionate, great in bed, and modest, too. I can get any woman I want and have had more great sex with more gorgeous women than all the men in this thread put together.
But after all this, I find there just aren’t any women out there who live up to my standards. They just don’t have the same combination of terrific qualities I do, and being with them is inevitably disappointing. After all, being perfect myself, why should I put up with less?
So that’s why I’m involuntarily single.
Disclaimer: some of the statements in this post may not be 100% true.
Okay, every fault everyone in this thread has described is true of me.
:: nods ::
Meeting someone that you ‘click’ with is uncommon. Meeting someone you click with, and they click with you, and both of you are free, and both of you realise it… well, that’s rare indeed. I’ve had a fair number of dates off Lavalife, and all of them, without fail, were …meh. No excitement, no click, no nothin’. I eventually cancelled my membership.
Are you pink with lightning bolts for hair and hail from the 5th dimension? I could see that being a small barrier for a lot of people.
Personally, I am 45 and if you totaled the time I have been in relationships in my life, it would be less than a year. I was a nerd in a small school, the college wasn’t a lot bigger. I am a moderate in a conservative part of the state, and I don’t care for drinking, watching sports, or hunting, all big parts of the social calendar here. Add in being pretty oblivious to social signals and the wonder is I have done as well as I have. Thank goodness for aggressive women.
Unwillingly single. Much of this is due to a little bit of social awkwardness, but not completely. Some of it is due to (temporary) life circumstances. I’ve been working a full-time job, teaching a college course, and working on two degrees simultaneously for several years… finding time to date and such is kind of difficult. Typically: I meet a woman, we show mutual interest, we exchange numbers, and then play phone tag for a few days, before they stop communication because our schedules are pretty incompatible.
I’d have a lot more opportunity if I could “close the deal” more often when I go out; I love to dance, and nearly every time I go out, I’ll end up meeting someone nice. Sometimes I can come out of my shell and get their number, but more often I end up being the nice-guy dance partner.
The last few women I’ve dated have point-blank told me that my job/education/financial status is a problem. It’s hard for them to justify to friends and family dating a man of lower social standing.
And, finally, my day-to-day life is spent around teens/young adults at the university-- not the most appropriate place for a guy in his 30s to meet potential partners.
Both of the women I proposed to turned me down. Two others that I would have proposed to dumped me before I made a fool of myself again (a mixed blessing there!). All that was from my mid-20’s to early 40’s. At that point, I realized I was not what women were looking for, whatever that is. They’re not being evil, they’re just looking for happiness, and they knew I wasn’t it. Over the last decade, I haven’t even tried to get a date. I wouldn’t say I’m downright happy, but I’m content with life. At least I’m not pursuing a hopeless goal.
I suppose I should join this thread. Problems with depression screwed up a relationship of several years, and any idea of another was way off the radar for some time. But not now, however I’m in an environment and a location where I’m not exactly meeting hordes of single women. Add to that my tendency to become good platonic friends with people I find attractive, and then not wanting to gamble and lose what I’ve gained, or simply convince myself that there’s no way they’d be interested otherwise it would have happened long ago.
On this point and pickiness from the male perspective. When I was 21 and looked pretty good, I dated 21 year old women who looked pretty good. Twenty years later, I’m 41 and don’t look so good, but my tastes in physical beauty are the same.
And I don’t think it’s just the natural tendency of men to prefer women of mating age. I think it has to do with the fact that once you’ve been with beautiful women, that “sets” your parameters. It’s hard to ratchet down your expectations.
I’m not single, but if I was, I probably would never be with a woman again because the ones I want would never have me.
ETA: please don’t flame me for the generalizations I used ( e.g.there are many many beautiful women over 21)–just making an observation that has been in my head lately.
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