Unwillingly single? Why?

In My Humble Opinion
61

This is really a very interesting thread. Depressing as hell, but interesting.

Re-read every post here, then read the quoted bit (and notice that it’s from our resident hottie who could most likely attract any man in the known universe).

Notice the excuses. “I’m fat.” “I’m poor.” “I’m ugly.” “I’m old.” And the very worst: “I won’t lower myself to playing the game.”

So a guy comes along into HazelNutCoffee’s life who is in good shape, relatively well-to-do, handsome, and young. And yet he failed to spark attraction. Hmm, could it be that attraction really has little to do with all of those superficial qualities? Could it possibly be something else, and we’ve all been brainwashed by thinking it’s not?

Something to think about.

62

I had an unwillingly single coworker in her 30’s. Her appearance was a little below average, but nothing that required a paper bag over the head. I believe her barrier to successful relationships was that her personality was a double bagger. Everything in the world existed specifically to make her miserable. Her family made her miserable, yet she spent all available free time with them (which also didn’t help with the dating). She was miserable in her job, miserable where she lived. People that didn’t share her interests made her miserable. She seriously asked me one day, “Why is everyone else’s life so much easier than mine?!” Her outlook on life had to show to prospective partners. I know it would make me run screaming for the hills. She went back to school, switched careers, and moved away. Last I heard she was engaged to an old high school flame, but it fell apart because he had kids.
I have a friend who is unwillingly single. She looks like Queen Latifah to the point that she’s had autograph requests (from really drunk people). She’s funny and outgoing - I’ve never seen anyone not instantly like her on meeting her. She’s highly educated, and I think that is a barrier. I’ve noticed a trend in the sciences of scientific types marrying other scientific types. (a coworker calls this “vocational incest”) I believe this is in part because when people find you’ve got a PhD in biochemistry, they tend to assume that a) you’re deadly boring b) you will find them deadly boring and/or c) you will think they’re stupid. Sort of like the Sex and the City episode where Miranda quit telling men she was a lawyer.

63

Oh God, yes, so true. The rational part of my brain spots the opportunities, doesn’t catastrophise when I entertain the possibility that somebody would reciprocate an approach. The emotional aspects override this somehow, though. Which is unsurprising, given that we’re talking about something entirely wrapped up in emotions.

64

I don’t know why this seems to be such a revelation. If someone doesn’t interest you, they just don’t, for whatever reason. I don’t understand why someone’s merely being physically attractive is supposed to instantly guarantee them a mate. It helps a lot, but it isn’t everything. Hot people stay single, too, as we’ve seen.

65

So what you’re saying is that you lose your cool?

Stop that. Stop that right now.

66

And ugly people sometimes get a lot of action.

The thing is, attraction can be created. Our love lives are not predetermined by some arbitrary set of rules, luck, genetics, or a supreme being. We exercise a great deal of control over what life hands us, but most of us never realize that. Six months ago, I would have happily(?) participated in this thread with my own woe-is-me story. But I read it now and most of what I see is people who have shot themselves in both feet and then complain that life handed them bullets.

It really doesn’t have to be that way.

67

Nope, just bottle it (up).

68

Much of the time, people don’t perceive changeable things as changeable and that’s why they don’t try to change them. Or maybe they don’t want to change or see it as too drastic and don’t think it’s fair that they should have to do what they perceive as such a large remodeling of themselves when nasty jerks everywhere have more loving than they know what to do with. Life isn’t fair, of course; much of the time, it’s just an uneven distribution of shit.

Me, I just need to move somewhere with more people, a lower proportion of churches, and maybe not quite so many people who are related to me.

69

It doesn’t have to be a flaw in you, lacking the skills IS a flaw and many flaws can be changed.

Reasons (and possible solutions) might include:
-I don’t like bars [not a real answer. You might not drink or like being around drunk people or you aren’t a night person, but there isn’t anything inherently wrong with a ‘bar’. It’s just a building where people socialize] (find other locations where people socialize)

-I don’t like drinking (You can go to a bar and not drink. Come early and only stay an hour or so)

-I’m ugly or fat (Start going to the gym. Also realize there are uglier people than you happily in a relationship. Work on things that WEREN’T decide for you at birth - clothes, personality, etc)

-I’m shy (People are not going to punch you in the face for talking to them. Practice making small talk with strangers.)

It IS a competetive game. And you have effectively opted out. That’s like saying “I want to get paid but I don’t want to lower myself to working for someone else.” In both cases, you will end up “working” for yourself.

“close on a number” basically just means to get a girls phone number. “Closing the deal.”

Basically the term comes from corporate sales-speak. It’s kind of like when you mean a woman you are interested in, you are approaching the encounter like a sales pitch. You aren’t just wandering around hoping fate just dumps someone in your lap and you make a magical connection after spending the evening talking. You see a woman you are interested in and you have a limited time to set up something before she either a) becomes interested in another guy b) goes back to her friends or c) just goes home never to be seen by you again.

Except that Miranda only wants to date douchebags who are only looking for a cute, dumb little piece of ass (they guy ended up lieing about being a doctor or whatever). The Sex and the City gals are not looking for “true love”. They (with the exception of Sam) are looking to become trophy wives to lawyers, investment bankers and old money millionares before their looks fade.

70

To which I must add:
“A-B-C. Always Be Closing.”

71

I guess, in the same way that not knowing how to cook is a flaw. If you’ve got someone to feed you, it’s not really a problem. If it’s important to you to feed yourself, then there’s stuff you need to learn.

The flaw I’m talking about, however, is the “I guess I’m just unlovable” flaw. It’s a complete myth, but a common one. No one is unlovable, but a lot of people need to be hit with the clue bat. And sometimes the clue bat is pretty elusive.

72

No, I wear bowties and plaid green suits. I think you’ve confused me with someone else.

73

I have/had several friends throughout my life of varying attractiveness that have had this problem. From getting dates and/or having a relationship. My observation is that 99% of them were in the circumstance because of plain old ‘pickiness’. Even if they know they aren’t all that attractive, they way overestimate their attractiveness and/or are completely unwilling to date someone of their ‘level of attractiveness’.

On one end of the spectrum I was friends with a woman who was stunning. On a 1-10 scale she would have been a 9…not many more attractive than her.

However…

She was 5’11" and, of course, had to date someone taller than her. Dating someone not at least 3-4" taller than her would make her feel ‘fat/big’.

She was successful in her career making about $200K per year in todays salary. Of course, she needed someone that was more successful than her…so he needed to make significantly more.

She was attractive and knew it…so fo course, he had to be attractive as well.

So…and I had this converation with her…how many 6’3"+, succesful $300K per year + very attractive men are around? Percentage-wise? …and don’t you think that if one was around that they couldn’t attract someone even more stunning than her (the high 10’s?).

The more run-of-the-mill are people who are not butt-ugly but below average attractiveness. They know this. They REALLY SEEM to know this. However, for some reason, people of the opposite sex about their level of attractiveness don’t ‘do it for them’. Well, ok…but whatever excuses you make, you are trying for someone above your league in attractiveness and probably won’t get it…and don’t be mistaken, attractiveness is the top 9 of 10 things people look for NO MATTER what they say. No exceptions. Sure, other things are important BUT ONLY after they are attractive to you. They can have everything you want but if they are not attractive, forget it…and if you are a ‘3’ and only find 5+ attractive…you will be lonely.

74

True, but the assumptions people make regarding those who are highly educated, or even those conventionally educated in fields that people find intimidating, hold true. I will go so far as to suggest it’s worse for women than for men.

75

BTW, apart from the racial and educational barriers, I face a number of other challenges as well. I’m conservative in several ways, which likewise limits my options. Certain religious convictions also limit my options. Also, I seem to have a knack for attracting women who are either dysfunctional or dumb as a sack of hammers. (There have been two notable exceptions as of late. One was appealing, but she lacked maturity in certain areas. The second is fun and has many outstanding qualities, but somehow, I don’t feel a lot of physical attraction toward her. I wish that would change, especially since she’s not ugly by any stretch. Without the attraction though, I think it’d be a difficult match.)

The one woman that I find most appealing doesn’t appear to be interested, and she repeatedly makes poor choices in men. I find her intelligence and spiritual character to be extremely attractive. Unfortunately, she’s also physically beautiful, and while this isn’t so important to me (her brains are much more appealing than her looks), it does mean that she attracts a lot of men – including a lot of guys who don’t care about her heart or her mind.

The bottom line: Options are very limited indeed.

76

Can I ask you a question in all seriousness?

How much for the '72 Pontiac?

77

Man, haven’t you heard? You died. Several years ago. Sort of. Now you are pink with the lightning bolt hairdo.

Look at it this way, it explains the relationship problem! :smiley:

I just wanted to point out, this is a debilitating problem for some people, it isn’t just a matter of practice.

You are right, there is nothing wrong with bars. It can be fun to go and people watch on occasion, cause drunks can be funny. But around here, that is what you will mostly find in bars, people going there to get drunk and have fun. I am not someone that likes to go to the bar to get drunk and have fun. So why would I want to meet someone that does? And why would they want to be with me?

I actually do go other places and socialize. Unfortunately, I am about 20 years above the median age at the game conventions, and the SF conventions have not been good to me for meeting others with the same interests. And I can only afford to go to so many a year. :frowning:

78

I think you are indeed correct. I date all the time and I get asked out far more often than I go on dates. I think I am awesome and apparently so do many of the men in NYC. I just haven’t clicked with any of the 20 different men I have gone out with since I moved 6 months ago so I continue to be single.

I also happen to be fat, and by fat I don’t mean that I wear a size 8 and think I am enormous. I actually qualify as super morbidly obese, but I think the world of myself and people can tell that when they talk to me. I am working on losing weight (33 lbs lost so far in the last 6 months) but not because I need to find a man, rather because it is unhealthy to be as heavy as I am currently. I’m sure my weight has stopped men from being interested in me before but there are so many men who are interested that the others simply don’t matter. I can’t fathom a world where weight would be a significant problem in finding a date, honestly. I think most of the people who are single because they are fat/ugly/socially inept are actually single because of low self esteem.

79

I’ve always been shy, and I spent most of my early 20’s trying to deal with the emotional and psychological fallout from a really really abusive relationship.
Now I’m really cripplingly shy (and fat) and it’s seriously hard for me to look at strangers, much less speak to them.
I’m working on my problems, and I’ve gotten somewhat better (I even made it to a few Dopefests without chickening out or throwing-up, and sometimes I even manage to talk to dopers :cool: ). But I lost a lot of time, and a lot of experiences, and now I’m in my 30’s, and nearly everyone I know is married.
Single’s not great, but I can live with it.

80

Hi. OP returning.

Sorry - didn’t intend this tread to be depressing.

I have to agree with bppth above, though. While weight can reduce your chances of dating, I think self-esteem and self image are more important. If you’re staring at your shoes all the time or hiding in the corner, you’re not going to be noticed.

I’m hardly the most attractive man on this planet. On the whole I’d rate my self a solid “5”. If I lost 100 lbs, I might make it up to a “6”, who knows. I’m overweight. I’m bald. I’ve got a few crooked teeth.

I think what makes me attractive to some women, though, is that I don’t act like a “fat man” other than its limiting factors on my activity level. My one positive physical trait, I think is that I’m also tall, just shy of 6’3", and I think that helps with some dating. (It’s funny how many women’s ads on dating sites say something like, “I’m 5’8” and like to wear heels so you should be at least 5’11".)

So, my physical plus is that I’m tall. Big deal. Frankly I think the rest of it is that I fall into that category of “nice guy”. You know, the guy who has his yearbook signed again and again, “To Belrix, You’re a really nice guy.”

I used to think this a negative but after a woman has been stomped on a few times by the more exciting bad-boy type, she generally starts looking for a nice guy. My dating life as a middle-aged nice guy has been far better than it ever was in my teens and twenties, when all the women are still looking for the fun bad-boy to abuse them.

I used to be a serious introvert. I worked on it. I’m a pretty serious geek. I’ve learned to hide that a bit when meeting people at first, call it camouflage. In the end you have to reveal yourself for who you are but there’s no value in driving the woman away in the first 5 seconds by walking up and saying, “Hi, I’m Belrix. Who’s your favorite Next Gen character?”

I’m not picky about appearances - sure I find the slim 20-year old with perky breasts attractive - that’s just biology. I also am sure the she and I have nothing in common, she’s probably listening to music I’ve never heard, going to bars for fun, and has a lot of “OMG” stories to share that’ll make my eyes roll.

Give me a 40-year woman with an few life-induced bruises, an easy laugh, quick smile, bright eyes, and a sharp wit, though, and she’s simply beautiful. Sure, if she’s a busty red-head or brunette it’s a plus but attitude and actions speak far louder.

If you think you’re unattractive, work on it a bit. I know that my hair looks best cropped tight to my skull. A bald man can wear his remaining hair like Bozo the clown, Art Garfunkle, or Captain Picard. Choices people. Got some weight? Don’t wear things that accentuate it. Muffin tops aren’t attractive even if low-riders and crop tops are trendy.

Yeah, physical appearance shouldn’t be important but it is to a degree. More important, though, is attitude. Find a way to feel good about yourself. Act like you’re attractive. Smile, laugh, be friendly. Act attractive and somebody will find you attractive.

I used say all the time that being beautiful and being attractive are two different things. Britney Spears is pretty - she’s not attractive these days. Paris Hilton? Same.

You don’t have to be beautiful. Be attractive.