Unwillingly single? Why?

In My Humble Opinion
81

[QUOTE=tdn]
The flaw I’m talking about, however, is the “I guess I’m just unlovable” flaw. It’s a complete myth, but a common one. No one is unlovable, but a lot of people need to be hit with the clue bat. And sometimes the clue bat is pretty elusive.
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I’m just using bars as an example of places people go to meet other people. A coffee shop or book store would suffice as well. Bars are easy because people are there to meet other people and they are drinking. By the same token, it’s hard to find a serious relationship in a bar.

You might want to go to places where regular adults hang out.

Not to slight anyone’s lifestyle or hobbies, but as you get older, you don’t want to be perceived as a developmentally challenged weirdo. Look, I like watching Star Wars or the occassional anime film and playing videogames. But it’s not a lifestyle for me.

Most of the women I know are very educated and in professional fields - banking, consulting, law, etc. The challenge they seem to face is that they always want a guy who’s at least as successful as they are. Many of those guys often want to date some hot 23 year old and don’t really care what she does.

82

[QUOTE=msmith537]
Many of those guys often want to date some hot 23 year old and don’t really care what she does.
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You forgot to say “for a living.”

83

[QUOTE=msmith537]
It IS a competetive game. And you have effectively opted out.
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Yep. And I’ll never ever opt in. Because if that’s what it takes - if it takes treating romance like a silly game with arcane rules that no-one knows in their entirety, where you have to pretend in order to reach the next stage, where interpersonal relationships are seen as some kind of prize to be attained - then it just isn’t worth it.

84

[QUOTE=Priceguy]
Yep. And I’ll never ever opt in. Because if that’s what it takes - if it takes treating romance like a silly game with arcane rules that no-one knows in their entirety, where you have to pretend in order to reach the next stage, where interpersonal relationships are seen as some kind of prize to be attained - then it just isn’t worth it.
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I think you need to reframe it a bit. It might go down a little better that way.

For one thing, you don’t have to pretend at all. You simply must put your best foot forward. In a way, you’re becoming more like yourself than ever before. If you’re red, don’t pretend to be green. Be BRIGHT red.

For another, don’t think of it as tricking someone into liking you. It’s really just a way of not screwing up on the way to being in the relationship you deserve to be in. It’s about not being a dumbass.

For yet another, it’s about being interesting. How absurd would it be to say "That cad! He tricked her into sleeping with him, then moving in with him, then marrying him! How? He was an interesting guy. What a jerk!

85

[QUOTE=Priceguy]
…where interpersonal relationships are seen as some kind of prize to be attained - then it just isn’t worth it.
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Sounds as if you’re willingly single then. If you don’t see an “interpersonal relationship” as a kind of “prize” (don’t like the term “prize” for this) then I’d say you’re not really looking for a relationship. You’re not unwillingly single.

To those of us desirous of a relationship, it is a prize of sorts. I get great joy and benefit from a successful relationship and to me it is a prize worth seeking.

86

[QUOTE=Belrix]
I get great joy and benefit from a successful relationship and to me it is a prize worth seeking.
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And it’s not a prize that you’re taking from someone. It’s a prize that you’re sharing with someone.

87

[QUOTE=msmith537]
I’m just using bars as an example of places people go to meet other people. A coffee shop or book store would suffice as well. Bars are easy because people are there to meet other people and they are drinking. By the same token, it’s hard to find a serious relationship in a bar.

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Coffee shop? Bookstore? Not here. 45 minute drive away, yes, but then the problem becomes working 2nd shift. Not many people around in those places after 11:00 PM.

[QUOTE=msmith537]

You might want to go to places where regular adults hang out.

Not to slight anyone’s lifestyle or hobbies, but as you get older, you don’t want to be perceived as a developmentally challenged weirdo. Look, I like watching Star Wars or the occassional anime film and playing videogames. But it’s not a lifestyle for me.
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So I should give up doing things and going places I enjoy to find someone? Then what? Doing things and going places she enjoys and I don’t? And implying that regular adults don’t do these things, you are being slighting.

And isn’t the idea of changing my likes and dislikes just to meet someone, kind of the opposite of things like this:

[QUOTE=tdn]
For one thing, you don’t have to pretend at all. You simply must put your best foot forward. In a way, you’re becoming more like yourself than ever before. If you’re red, don’t pretend to be green. Be BRIGHT red.
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Others here say, “Be yourself, be honest, someone is out there.” You seem to be saying, “Be more normal, you might have a chance.”

Personally, there are times I would like some companionship, other times I am fine being alone. I have habits that would probably drive someone else crazy, and the reverse is most likely true for someone my age I would meet. If I ever do have a relationship, she will have to accept the fact that I love to game, read SF/Fantasy, and like British humour. (I think the last one is the real deal breaker. :smiley: ) I certainly hope she shares at least some of those interests.

88

[QUOTE=Lok]
Coffee shop? Bookstore? Not here. 45 minute drive away, yes, but then the problem becomes working 2nd shift. Not many people around in those places after 11:00 PM.
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The problem in my case is that I don’t know of any establishment around here—any bar, or coffee shop, or bookstore—where people typically go alone, in the hopes of meeting someone new.

89

Don’t get me started. I’ve almost got myself convinced it’s better for everyone in the long run if I never find a mate. And no, I’m not frightfully ugly or a people-user or an addict or possessed of a violent temper or boring or smelly. I just have a lot of uncertain, red-flaggy, “mmm-I-dunno-about-this guy” things about me that add up to cancel out my many good qualities.

Put bluntly, you’d like me if you knew me. Maybe a lot. But you’d be crazy to take the chance.

90

[QUOTE=Student Driver]
Unwillingly single. Much of this is due to a little bit of social awkwardness, but not completely. Some of it is due to (temporary) life circumstances. I’ve been working a full-time job, teaching a college course, and working on two degrees simultaneously for several years… finding time to date and such is kind of difficult. Typically: I meet a woman, we show mutual interest, we exchange numbers, and then play phone tag for a few days, before they stop communication because our schedules are pretty incompatible.

I’d have a lot more opportunity if I could “close the deal” more often when I go out; I love to dance, and nearly every time I go out, I’ll end up meeting someone nice. Sometimes I can come out of my shell and get their number, but more often I end up being the nice-guy dance partner.

The last few women I’ve dated have point-blank told me that my job/education/financial status is a problem. It’s hard for them to justify to friends and family dating a man of lower social standing.

And, finally, my day-to-day life is spent around teens/young adults at the university-- not the most appropriate place for a guy in his 30s to meet potential partners.
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Really? Because from what you’ve written here, I’d probably be totally into you. I have an idealist thing for poor teachers.

91

How many people here will date someone who can’t make you laugh? Zero, I’ll bet.

92

[QUOTE=Thudlow Boink]
The problem in my case is that I don’t know of any establishment around here—any bar, or coffee shop, or bookstore—where people typically go alone, in the hopes of meeting someone new.
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The internet was a God-send for me in this context. I’ve never had the *cahones *to walk up to a woman and say something equivalent to “You’re very attractive, would you like to have coffee?” I’m the guy who (after humphing and grunting while avoiding eye contact) would stare at my shoes and ask, “You don’t want to go out with me, do you?”

The internet with its text-based introductions is the right balance between anonymity and boldness for me. Saying, “I’ve read your profile/ad and think you sound very interesting” is much easier for me.

Women who were bold enough to do the same message to me were very welcome.

93

[QUOTE=tdn]
And it’s not a prize that you’re taking from someone. It’s a prize that you’re sharing with someone.
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This is astonishingly-difficult to remember.

94

[QUOTE=Lok]
So I should give up doing things and going places I enjoy to find someone? Then what? Doing things and going places she enjoys and I don’t? And implying that regular adults don’t do these things, you are being slighting.
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The thing is, there is an unfortunate stigma around RPGs and comic book conventions. A lot of people on the outside view such things as geeky, nerdy, places where mama’s boy losers go. And in many cases, they’re not wrong. (Yes, some very cool people go to them as well, but the stigma is still in place. And that sucks.) And those things typically draw far more men than women, and the few women that do attend them tend not to be supermodels. That’s three strikes against them right there.

But those are just a few challenges to be overcome. No big deal. I think what msmith is saying is that you need to find a few extra venues, and expand your interests. I wholeheartedly agree.

And just as a datapoint, my last GF wasn’t really a gamer, but she was fascinated by it, and occasionally participated. I could entertain her for hours talking about my latest session. But I never would have met her if conventions were my only place to meet people.

Here’s something to think about. A lot of gamers are really lacking in social skills. While a convention has far more men than women, if you have excellent social skills, you have a HUGE advantage at those places.

95

[QUOTE=Sunspace]
This is astonishingly-difficult to remember.
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Yep. Especially if your game has been off or non-existant for some time. It’s easy to think that you’re bothering people when you talk to them.

96

[QUOTE=TheMerchandise]
Really? Because from what you’ve written here, I’d probably be totally into you. I have an idealist thing for poor teachers.
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Aww, thanks… personally, I think it’s a good trait, too.

It’s a shame that outlooks like that aren’t easier to find around here. Then again, perhaps it’s common, but “poor teacher” isn’t an easy first impression to give, and discussing things like financial status and jobs seems to crop up after someone’s formed a different, more hopeful opinion of what I might be. Maybe I should stop dressing well for the nights I get to go out…

97

I don’t want to be single, but I’m not sure I want to date again. It’s been over 3 years since my wife left me, (I almost typed life). She was the second wife. The second one to leave me, for very unspecified reasons. So I’ve been cut in two twice now. I’m positive I can’t do that again.

98

My sister pretty much fit the OP discription. My take was that the sort of men she was attracted to were going to be looking for a trophy wife, and have the means to aquire one.

She also had (what I consider) a lot of B.S. rules. She would rather sit home alone on Saturday night than accept a date offered on Thursday…waiting 'till Thursday to make plans for Saturday is insulting apparantly.

Maybe the common thread is that her expectations were/are so high that mere mortals aren’t going to make her happy.

99

[QUOTE=Priceguy]
Yep. And I’ll never ever opt in. Because if that’s what it takes - if it takes treating romance like a silly game with arcane rules that no-one knows in their entirety, where you have to pretend in order to reach the next stage, where interpersonal relationships are seen as some kind of prize to be attained - then it just isn’t worth it.
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When you go for a job, do you lie or do you just put the best “you” forward that you can? If a girl is trying to decide between three dudes to talk to, would you rather she talk to you or one of those other guys?

If you like someone, how do you communicate that appropriately?

Think of it like etiquate. There are certain behaviors that are acceptable and others that are not. It’s important to learn them.

That’s exactly it. Look, when I was in my late 20s, a bunch of my friends were really into Everquest. I played other videogames. We didn’t play them on Friday and Saturday nights. We got ourselves dressed up like hip, normal people and went clubbing in Boston. Of course I had to tell them to shut the fuck up a few times about that +2 Dwarf Axe bullshit, but the point is that girls are not always into many of our guy hobbies so you need to be well rounded in your interests and activities. Especially if your hobbies are a bit on the esoteric side.

Whoa hold on a second! We haven’t even started talking about marriage yet! :smiley:

100

[QUOTE=Telperien]
I don’t know why this seems to be such a revelation. If someone doesn’t interest you, they just don’t, for whatever reason. I don’t understand why someone’s merely being physically attractive is supposed to instantly guarantee them a mate. It helps a lot, but it isn’t everything. Hot people stay single, too, as we’ve seen.
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I was cruising one of those “Ukrainian brides” sites, and found an interesting comment. The company encouraged customers to not be shy about contacting the “most beautiful” women on the site. They said that, surprisingly, the “most beautiful” women seemed to get the fewest letters, apparently because many customers felt they were “out of my league”. Many of the moderately attractive and “average” women on the site were finding foreign husbands left and right, while the downright gorgeous women were left behind.